I have been divorced now for about three months. I really felt like I lost the love of my life. I've been hanging out a lot with my friends and trying to stay busy. Her memory haunts me everyday still. I see so many things and places that remind me of her and send a flood of emotions that hit me like a 300 pound football player. I have been hopeful looking for someone but I still haven't found the right person yet. My ex-wife was so beautiful and sweet. She was everything to me and I blew it. I still feel so much pain and regret. It hovers over everything I try to do for myself. I joined the Navy shortly after the divorce because I did not know what else to do. I felt so helpless and lost. I am having second thoughts now even though I think that the Navy might be good for me. I try to talk to my friends but they seem to make my problems seem small and that i should just move on. I know they mean well but it's just not that easy for me. I really and truly thought this woman was my soulmate. It breaks my heart to think about her. And I think about her all the time. I keep thinking how am I going to make it right. Not really with her because I know that is impossible, but with myself. How do I feel "normal" and not this shell of the person I used to be. I have to say this is the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire live and it just seems too big to swallow.
SlickNick posted on Aug 18, 2008
| views: 253
Comments
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wishyouwerehere said on Aug 18, 2008....
Hi Nick - 3 months is such a short time. Please give yourself permission and room to grieve - it is hard for other people to understand what a deep loss it is unless you have been down a similar road.Welcome to soulcast - Wish -
SlickNick said on Aug 19, 2008....
Yes it is so hard to let go completely like I wish I could do. She is so happy with her new man. I feel very pathetic and small right now. I can't seem to find another woman with the qualities I am looking for. Every time I think I have found someone I can relate to I find them slipping through my fingers. I guess my problem is I get my heart set on a person and when it does not go right, I fall apart. I just want so desperately to be loved. I would give anything in the world to feel like I used to. I feel very isolated and alone. I feel like I have so much to offer but the women only see my physical appearance and never see the amazing love I have within me to share. My problem is I don't know many women and I don't think I'm going to find the woman I am looking for in a bar. I have resorted to online dating sites and that so far has been filled with disappointment after disappointment. I don't want to give up but sometimes I want to because I feel so rejected. Every time someone sends me an email my heart fills with hope and then they ditch me and I'm instantly right back where I started from. Seems like every night before I go to bed the last thought that echos in my head is "What's wrong with me?".
And wishyouwerehere, Just wanted to say Thank you
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day2day said on Sep 01, 2008....
hi nick,I just came across this post. I know it's old and i wonder if your still around thesc community. Are you? If you are, i wanted to say that it will take a long time for you to get over her. So, don't be so hard on yourself. Take it one day at a time and try to discover yourself. Don't bring another girl into the picture yet. You know you'll only compare her to your ex. Right now just concentrate on yourself and keep writing. Believe me, it helps.day2day -
SlickNick said on Sep 12, 2008....
It's funny looking back at this...seems although it has been so long ago that so much is still the same. I heard an old Johnny Cash song and it reminded me of how I feel called "I Still Miss Someone". Especially the verse "There's someone for me somewhere, and I still miss someone". -
day2day said on Sep 12, 2008....
hi slick, hey, how u been? Me? i'm ok. day2dayYou said it was so long ago? one month? How are you these days? I guess i'll go see if u posted. Later.day -
SlickNick said on Sep 15, 2008....
Yeah it probably has not been all that long day2day but everyday feels like an eternity without her. I don't know why but this morning I couldn't help but think of my ex-wife. She used to walk with me in the store and put her hand in my back pocket. I used to yell at her for it and laugh and tell her to stop it. I don't know why I started thinking about this but I missed it so much that I almost had to stop what I was doing. It made me so sad. It's this kind of thing that makes getting over her so hard. My memories are so vivid and detailed. It's a blessing as well as a curse. It's like reliving it.
I hope things are well with you, day. I am writing and it does help to have some release.
There's a song by Babyface called "The Loneliness" that explains exactly how I feel.
[Verse 1]
Im sitting here
Thinking bout
How im gon-na do without
You around in my life and how am I
I gon' get by
I ain't got no days
Just lonely nights
You want the truth
Well girl im not alright
Feel out of place and out of time
I think im gonna lose my mind
[Chorus]
So tell me how you feel (im lonely)
Are you for real (so lonely)
Do you still think of me (i think of you)
Baby still (are you lonely)
Do you dream of me at night (like i dream of you all the time)
So let me tell you how it feels (its like everyday i die)
Wish i was dreaming but its real (when i open up my eyes)
Let me tell you how it feels (and don't see your pretty face)
I think that i will never love again
[Verse 2]
I miss your face
I miss your kiss
I even miss the arguments
That we would have from time to time
I miss you standing by my side
I'm dying here its clear to see
There ain't no you, God knows there ain't no me
Don't wanna live, I wanna die
If I cant have you in my life
[Chorus (repeat till end)]
So tell me how you feel (im lonely)
Are you for real (so lonely)
Do you still think of me (i think of you)
Baby still (are you lonely)
Do you dream of me at night (like i dream of you all the time, so lonely)
Oh let me tell you how it feels (its like everyday i die)
Wish i was dreaming but its real (when i open up my eyes)
Let me tell you how it feels (and don't see your pretty face)
I think that I will never love again
It's everything I want to tell her.
It's really hard at work when I'm in autopilot doing what I do and my mind drifts off. It always goes to her. I feel pathetic, and think about life. The people in life seem like those you past on the street everyday. You may exchange fleeting glances, maybe even say hello, but you go your separate ways. You only have a small moment in time and than its over as quickly as it started. Everything is so temporary. It's sad to think about. We don't want to be reminded of time and mortality. We spend our whole lives running from it and denying it. But than it slaps you in the face when we least expect it.
Sometimes I feel like I will spend the rest of my life alone. All I want is someone to hold my hand when my time comes. I just don't want to be alone.
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day2day said on Sep 16, 2008....
hi slick,, Sorry. It's just gonna take some time.Don't everlose those memories. You have loved. If you want to feel thatfeeling again, you're gonna have to go out and meet other people. Take chances. Save your love for the next 'one'. Trainyourself to concentrate on what your doing. Your life is waiting 4u.day -
SlickNick said on Sep 18, 2008....
Hey day, A friend of mine told me I should tell her what it is I miss about her and tell her how important she is to me. I'm not sure this is going to work for me and I'm nervous as hell about it. I hope it does not backfire in my face and make me feel even worse. I will give it a try at least. I guess we will see... -
day2day said on Sep 19, 2008....
hi slick, That sounds like a great idea. Will this be the firsttime you've told her these things, since you broke up? Give ita try. At least you'll know you gave it one last ditch effort.You know there was a boyfriend i had once that i felt like that about.We were together about a year, way back when. He was my good looking mexican from Guatamala. hmmmmmmI still feel pings sometimes. Very fond memories.day -
SlickNick said on Sep 23, 2008....
Well I didn't go as planned but what in life ever does. Never got to even say anything. I went over there and she basically blew me off and I knew that he was there. Of course Mr.Toughguy didn't even try to confront me until after I was long gone by texting me idol threats. To make a long story short, I just made peace with them both and wished them luck. What else can I do? How am I supposed to change the mind of a grown woman? So it's just me and my only friend misery. I'm just trying to keep busy and take care of myself. The nights are so lonely still and I try to tell myself that everything will be alright. I know that I'll probably be alone for a long time but I'm hoping I get another chance at being in love eventually before I'm too old to enjoy it. -
travelr712 said on Sep 24, 2008....
hi slick, good to see you here. for those of you that don't know, and how could you, because i just found out myself, nick is a friend of mine irl. we used to work together. he just told me today that he had made this blog, so here i am. he's a good guy to get to know. -
Lucytorial said on Oct 03, 2008....
Sounds like your ex wife doesn't know how to show respect. Hi I'm Lucy, and if you're a friend of travs you must be okay cause he's KINDA okay (lol)You've chosen a great place mate, I hope you can move on in your life and fine the essence of who you are, you sound like a good man btw so don't beat yourself up, life has a way of working out.
At least here you can rave and rant and we won't make you feel worse! -
SlickNick said on Oct 03, 2008....
LoL! Thanks Lucy. -
Lucytorial said on Oct 03, 2008....
Gotta ask Nick, whats so slick? (lol) hey just so you know I'm an aussie with a very odd sense of humor, if you get caught out and don't know what in hell I'm going on about just ask! -
SlickNick said on Oct 03, 2008....
It's just a Nickname that I got. I know its kind of silly considering I'm not the slickest guy in the world. I have silly friends, what can I say. -
Lucytorial said on Oct 03, 2008....
Maybe you are slick and you're shy! te he he -
SlickNick said on Oct 04, 2008....
I think you hit the nail on the head there Lucy. -
Lucytorial said on Oct 04, 2008....
Nice to see you again, nearly everyone else has gone to bed! being the afternoon on Sunday here it gets quiet i tell ya! how was your night? -
SlickNick said on Oct 05, 2008....
Lucy, last night was crazy. I went to a friends 30th birthday party. I drank way too much but was not bummed out or tried to pick a fight like usual. I was a happy drunk and made everyone feel good and laugh. So all in all I had a great night. How was yours? -
SlickNick said on Oct 14, 2008....
Well I'm sure you are wondering why I haven't just posted a new blog by now. I just feel like this belongs in the challenges of being divorced category... Anyway I was playing World of Warcraft with a good friend of mine last night and there was a dispute between him and another good friend of mine. Basically my friend was going to quit our guild because he was so upset. He told me that nothing is the same as it used to be. I don't know why this statement affected me so. I remembered when I first started playing the game. I remembered Molly (my ex-wife). We used to play WoW together. I don't know why that was so special but it was. She took an interest in something just because I liked it. That meant so much to me. I just remembered and it made me so sad. The things she made me feel were so amazing and special. It's indescribable. It's like fireworks of emotion in my heart. I miss that so very much. I try so hard to carry myself as a strong, independent, outgoing, and smart person. But I carry this terrible secret with me where ever I go. Even when I stop thinking about her things and people remind me of my ever present loss. It's never covered up for long. For instance I just started a new job. Well actually its my old job but I got it back. Being there reminds me so much of her because I worked there when she told me she wanted a divorce. I had a great first day kickin ass and taking names and than someone asks me "Weren't you married?". It fucks me up inside. I guess I shouldn't be such a pussy and just let it go. I don't know why it kicks up so much dust off old memories that i've stuffed in the the suitcases in my minds attic. I wonder so often if she ever thinks of me. I try not to think about it but sometimes my mind wanders into places it should not dare to tread. I felt a little better because I had a friend invite from a very attractive person on myspace. My luck though I'll find my account hacked tomorrow. I guess I should be more optimistic than I am but my life seems like it just keeps getting worse instead of better. I just gotta keep my head up, stick my chest out and deal with it...
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