I have been meaning to write this post for a while now.Its something that has been rolling around in my head for a long time.
I know that I have spoken about friends in an earlier post,and said that I was going to come back to it.....well.My time has not been my own over the last 2 weeks or so.I am not sure whether it has been my own fault,or the fault of outside interference - like work - having to cover up for a sick colleague for over 2 weeks,and then get kicked in the teeth on her return,took a lot out of me - both physically and mentally.The project that I am working on and the one that she is working on are totally different and require 2 totally different trains of thought.So it was tough.
My parents have recently arrived back in the country.They have a house in Spain and a house in this country.God knows they deserve everything that they have today.My father worked hard all his life and made some very good business decisions to get where they are.So they deserve it.But now they have made the decision to sell up in this country permanently - and move back to Spain.
Its strange though,they have been here for about 2 weeks now and I have seen them twice.On both of the occasions that I have seen them,the topic of conversation has been about the house deal,that nearly went south,and my brother.No talk of my impending operation......
Always my brother - I am not jealous of him - i have nothing to be jealous of.He has a successful job is earning a 5 figure salary,is married,and has 2 wonderful children.But it feels like my folks want to rub his success in my face,as if to say 'you never wanted it bad enough,and never worked hard enough,that is why you are still stuck here'
I was always compared to him when we were growing up - he was the bright one and i wasnt.Little did they realise that the condition that i was born with leaves one with a learning disability,at a very young age,which I had to work through on my own.
I always had to do everything on my own.But my brother was always given their full support.Be it financial or emotional.
Then when I chose a career path in building which was not the 'family' choice,which was engineering - I was frowned upon.I was told that they were not prepared to finance my studies as they didnt think that I would succeed.I mean I was 19 at the time,and I was still getting treated like I was a 4 year old.
But I did it.I got my self a part time job,and I paid for my own studies,and I did make a success of it.Well,I think so anyway.
They knew that I had an artistic ability from a very young age,and were not even interested in it.My father always told me 'drawing is for girls'.
So now they are leaving the country for good for the 2nd time.Am i going to miss them? I dont know.I have never relied on them for anything,and they have let me down so many times in my adult life.I shouldnt even care - but I do.I mean - what am to do,if one day the phone rings and its one of my relatives telling me that either my mum or my dad has passed away.How I would I react?What would I do? I am not sure.I guess I wont know,until the time comes.I mean I would be 15000 miles away.What can I do?
I have always had a lot of thoughts in my head - but I never had anywhere to put them until now.I am glad I have found Soulcast.I am grateful for the people that I have met on this site,who are genuine people.People like Pusscat,PolarHeart,Lucytorial,SensualGirl,Fallyn,Secretlife,Ordinarylife,Wish'......to name but a few.Everyone has made such a difference in my life,and for that I am thankful.
I know I have not been doing a lot of commenting - but I have been going through a 'stage' in my life - that happens every year around this time,with the anniversary,where I begin to question things.I know that I shouldnt but I do.......such as life ?
I have been doing a lot of reading though,and I will be back to my old commenting ways,very soon........
cuppajava posted on Aug 17, 2008
| views: 211
Comments
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gingersoul said on Aug 17, 2008....
Cup....i am living by 13 years far away from my family....i moved here from Italy...they remained there.....family and friends.
10 years ago arrived the first dreadful call...my father was in coma. I arrived just in time to hold his hand and witnessing his last breath.
I had to leave again.
9 years ago another phone call: my best girlfriend had few days to live. Again, i jumped on the first plane and i arrived just in time to tell her goodbye.
I had to lo leave again.
2 years ago the phone rung again: my little sister was dying. I did what i already did before. I arrived just in time to hear her last grasp of life.
I had to leave again.
Cup..life is made of choices, I chose to move here and i knew some of the consequences would have been difficult. My mom and my brother are still alive. I worry each day fro them, specially for my mom...she is old now...
I just want to say...you will deal with the choices you will ned to make when they will present themselves..
Anniversary are ugly beasts....it takes a lot of energy to ward off their poisonous taste, some time.
Just hold on....and dont feel the need to be different from who you want to be...each of us deal with the cards we have been given and the games we make are only ours....:-) -
secretlife said on Aug 17, 2008....
i don't know what to make of your parents cuppa-i thought for sure that when they returned you could somehow bridge the gap.it doesn't appear to be working out that way-i know one thing for sure, and that is they love you and care about you.i think they're afraid to open the conversation to your operation- the risks and all of it. that doesn't make it right- they should be there for you emotionally at this time. i wish they could be. -
Lucytorial said on Aug 17, 2008....
CJ ~ My sweet sweet friend. Gingersocraties is a wise women, well said Ginger. The choices you made in your life have made who you are which is a strong, resillient, tenacious, loving man. Do not allow the past of present feelings of seperateness to bring you down honey, remember to look into your own garden for all of the wonderful things you are as a person. I had to comment before going away you are such a lovely person with much to offer. -
RollingC said on Aug 17, 2008....
Life can be tough Cupp....I've had my own set of let downs and what I've learned is that life can teach you that your perceived dreams, fantasies and wishes can be based on sand or unstable ground, to be washed away at the first (or a very strong) storm that comes along, leaving you with a " now what? " feeling.
Very difficult thing to do being able to judge and ascertain reality of the people, intentions and situations that surround you. Specially if you're a gullible dreamer like me. My own siblings (brother and sister from dad's first marriage) let me down big time. It's a long story but suffice to say that emotions got in the way and we wound up in court against each other. I played defensive only and got to prove my point but the harassment continued even after. I totally withdrew from them when it got to the point that it was affecting my health (I kept getting sick repeatedly due to the stress factor) and it was the best thing for me health wise.
So I've " lost " a brother and sister that upon reflection I realize that I never really had as they always " played " superior to me in many ways. I don't know to what extent their stress affected my marriage and to be fair there were plenty other factors involved but now I'm living single again as my wife left to find her own
" space " and I'm not holding anybody back that doesn't want to stay with me.
So now I get to start all over again so to speak as far as living my life.
My dreams of being together into old age went into the " whatever " drawer of life.
Rc
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lionesss said on Aug 17, 2008....
hello cuppa, your life as a child seems to be very simular to mine, my parents gave alot of love and support to my sister and bro, because i dint go to school much i was the thick 1 ''as my mother put it'', they got all the real help and i was left in the background watching from a distance, oh yes my sister and bro have been very sucessful at jobs, but i dnt get jelous as im proud they did so well, my motther use to say ''if you went to school you would of learnt more'' little id she realise i was,retaliating off her obession to my sister spoilt lifestyle, she got every thing, but now she isnt capable to stand on her own 2 feet and look after her kids, because my mother spoilt her all her life, i often wonder what my life would be like if it had been the other way round, so all i have is my kids an my bestest friend pusscat to rely on, as i know i wont get it off my mother, again i get no sympathy or understanding when im ill and it really use to get to me but now i think f,,,,k it cant be bothered anymore, so i do have a understanding with the circumstances and feelings of frustration from your parents as a child,,,i o hope you start to feel better soon ..lionesss -
I'mNotHungry said on Aug 17, 2008....
Cup - Yes, this song is kinda cheesy, but also inspirational... if you let it "be".
You and I seem to have some things in common - and it helps to have a friend by your side sometimes. So, if you wanna, I'm right here.... take my hand...... and hold on for one more day.....
H.
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SensualGirl said on Aug 17, 2008....
Hey Cuppa!! Firstly a (((((BIG HUG))))) from both me and Polarheart ;-)I cant begin to express how it pains me to hear of the actions / non-actions of your parents. You deserve so much better, but they are your folks and it is better to have them than to have none. But you can rise above what their thoughts and beliefs about you are. . .and I think you have.I am glad that you have found solace in your frienships here at SC. This place has been a comfort to me on more than one occassion. . .a safe place to hide.I hope that you will rise from the ashes, my friend and fly again like the golden phoenix.Another ((((((((Hug))))))))~Sensual Girl~ -
day2day said on Aug 18, 2008....
hi cuppa,The words you write remind me a lot of my own father. There was not one phone call that he made to me that he didn't ask where my little brother was. Yeah, he really wanted to talk to him. I finally started to put my little bro on the phone right away when he called hoping my dad would get the hint. But, he is so narrow minded that all he could think about was the brother. So, sad. But, now my bro moved down there with Dad. I hope they'll be very happy together.day -
scipio said on Aug 18, 2008....
Fortunately or unfortunately our biological parents are thrust upon us. We have no choice - but to accept them for what they are. How you choose to deal with them is upto you . Sometimes it is too late when the realisation sets in - especially when small misunderstandings or a wrong sentence or word spoken here or there drives a wedge in the relationship and opportunities to make up are lost forever.Best thing is to forgive and move on. -
LadyWillow said on Aug 18, 2008....
I feel so humbled reading your posts…for when you write I feel like I am in the same room as you…as if I could see your hand articulations and your facial expressions as you relate your life in bite size chunks for us to fathom.
I will not even begin to try and understand why parents do the things they do and say…I myself coming from a very dysfunctional family with a confusing childhood that stretched into my late teens and later my adult life…what I do wish to say however is the following…
…the way you describe your life and your daily existence is something I greatly admire…I sometimes sit in front of my own computer screen and try and edit my emotions as I’m afraid of what might spill forth…and yes I get better every attempt I make…and maybe this has been your experience in the past as well…and judging by all your past blogs which I feel privileged to have read and am still reading…I cannot help but see a man who is intelligent, hard working, devoted, loyal and filled with so much pride and “light” that it is blinding! Like everyone else you have had to endure…had your hopes and feelings crushed…and even though you write with what can be almost seen in “ones minds eye” as a shrug of your shoulders…I know it must hurt…equally…the words and actions said as the ones that weren’t expressed. And at the risk of repeating what others have commented and said before me…I want to point out that parents are children just like us….but now only grown up…yes they should know better…and yes they should love “us” equally…but sometimes it is better to pretend that all is okay…than face the truth.
No amount of advice or words by anyone can fill the chasm in your heart and heal the scar tissue that has formed there over the years…only you can try and bridge that gap between your parent and you by sitting them down and not “asking”…but “telling” them exactly how you feel…for you may never get this opportunity again…
You may ask: “why must “you” do the approaching and why must “you” open yourself up again to being hurt by what they might say”!?…but maybe…just maybe “this” is what they have been waiting for…for we are all frightened of life and all that it holds…and sometimes the child has to becomes the parent…
Whatever your decision is …it will be the right one for you…I just wish that I could send you the finest silk there is so you might wrap your soul in it…for it certainly is worth preserving and an amazing place I enjoy and having the honour of being invited to visit....in awe….Willow...*soft hugs*
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wishyouwerehere said on Aug 18, 2008....
(((((CJ)))))) - It has taken me a long time to learn to follow my own inner voice. I am glad you had the courage and strength to choose your own career path. Your talent is obvious. It's not your responsibility to measure up to anyone else. For everything else they may have, your parents are missing out on truly seeing and appreciating who you are - and that is frustrating and sad. Your own accomplishments and happiness allow you a compassionate perspective - while their actions are not necessarily what anyone would hope for in terms of parental support and affection, you seem to be at peace with it. As you said, there is no reason to be jealous. Your accomplishments and success are apparent.Anniversaries tend to spark introspection. Embrace that and give yourself a chance to see where you are on your life's journey - take time to dream about where you have yet to travel. I hadn't realized you decided on the surgery. May it be a big step towards freeing you from pain - one less burden to carry.And thank you for writing this post - I am honored to be a friend - Wishy -
BEprepared said on Aug 18, 2008....
Hi Cup,
I'm so sorry you are having to face this problem but I believe you are capable of handling it. My experience has taught me we can have some of the most painful hurts dealt to us by our families.
The major pains I have experienced has come from our son and his wife. Quite a bit of it had to do with money but much had to do with siding with his mother in differences between the two parents. She persuaded him to support her and today, even though he is 40 it is still very obvious. There are two small grandsons involved who are the "apples of my eye". I fear that at some time their parents will think it's their duty to inform the boys of their opinion. When that happens I will have no one in the family without a distorted view of me, even though I've done nothing to deserve it but to live my life as best I could. Even though I feel "trapped" there's not much I can do about it. I'm 74 and not in a position to start over.
Please don't think I'm attempting to "top" your story but only agreeing with you about how family can hurt us. I'm very hopeful you can find a way to make things more acceptable. In your most recent post you didn't mention anything about the relationship between your parents and your wife. Hopefully that was not a factor.
Blessings on you as you attempt to decide what to do and then how to do it. Please let us know as things develop.
---Jim---
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cuppajava said on Aug 19, 2008....
Hi Ginger - if i may ask where is here?
I have seen both my parents go through the loss of their parents.know what it did to them and how it upset their lives,as they had to fly from here back to the UK,on no less that 4 occasions.I have no grandparents left.
I know the day will come when it happens to me too,I am just not sure how i will handle it.I am a strong willed person,I know I am .there are just some days where I think too much is all.
I know about anniversaries - My wedding anniversary is on Dec 22nd and Jo's birthday was on Dec 28,oh yes,and there is Christmas in between.I know that it sounds melodramatic,and I know i will get over it one day - but i just dont know if I am ready just yet.
Hi Secret' - I thought I would be able to bridge the gap too.But I know that the first time I saw them there was a lot of nervous tension in the air.I didnt want to start the discussion as I thought to myself - why should I?
But then on the drive home when nothing came up,I was sitting there thinking -why didnt I?
Hi Lucy - thank you for your wonderful comment and I await you return !!!
Hi RollingC - thank you for your thoughtful comment,and I can relate to some of what you went through with your siblings -It is unfortunate that I will never be close to my brother.He was never someone whom i was able to get along with.Even as adults as old as we are.I dont ever see him as being a 'best friend'
Hi Lioness - thank you for your comment,and just remember,I think maybe we have more of a common ground than you think .
Hi NotQuite' - I would like to take your hand,and I will hold on for one more day......if you will too
Hi Sensual Girl,and your dear friend Polar Heart - I AM glad that i have become a member of the SoulCast community,and i am so glad that I have been able to meet warm and caring people like yourself
Hi Day 2 Day - Thank you - I am glad that I am not alone
Hi Scipio - Thank you - I will try and remember that
Hi LadyWillow - Welcome to Sc,I hope that you will settle in pretty quickly,and meet all the nice people on this site that I have met.Thank you for your comment
Hi Wish' - thank you for your wise words.You know that i look forward to your thoughts.I am glad that you think of our friendship in this way,and you must know that I value it in the same way
Hi Be' - Thank you for your comment,and i dont see it as trying to 'top' my post - you are welcome to say what you like.
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