Okay kiddies, gather round for another Bible story or two. You've all heard of the 12 tribes of Israel, no? But do you know who they were, what it means, who or what Israel was?

Israel was Abraham's grandson. You remember Abraham. You better. I just did a pretty long post on him.

Abraham was the guy who was unimpressed by the polytheism of his day, everybody worshipping idols for their own lil gods. He had a son, Isaac, who in turn had a son, Jacob. Those are the forefathers of Judaism, sorta like what George Washington, Samuel and John Adams, and John Hancock are to America.

Abraham also had a son Ishmael, and Isaac had a son Esau, but they aren't considered forefathers. They were just big brothers who kinda got screwed.

Jacob was outdoors trying to sleep, and an angel came to him and wrestled with him all night. Jacob was a good wrestler. He might have made a pretty decent MMA fighter, because wrestlers often excel in mixed martial arts. See that? You're wasting thousands of dollars giving your kid lessons in karate or tae kwon do, when you can just tell your kid to join the school wrestling team for free and learn a more valuable and effective martial art sans colored belts and senseis and exorbitant contracts.

For his wrestling prowess, Jacob was renamed Israel. The word Israel in Hebrew means kick-ass wrestler. Oh I donno what it means, but it makes sense that it would mean that, no? Why else would the angel have changed the man's name to Israel after wrestling with him? The "el" at the end is God. Maybe "Yis-ro-el" means "wrestled with a god" or something, who knows. Somebody here is sure to know.

So that's who Israel is. He had 12 sons. Thus, the 12 tribes of Israel. He had a daughter too, but screw her. Just a girl. Girls sit in the back of the synagogue, way way way in the back. Silly lil ditzes.

Now I will recite the names of the 12 sons of Israel. Anglicized. Reuben, Simon, Levi, Judah, Issaschar, Zebulon, Benjamin, Dan, Naphtali, Gad, Asher, and the star of the family, Joseph. Count em. There should be 12. Israel's daughter was Dina. I pronounce it the Hebrew way, like Deena, rather than like Dinah Shore or Dinah Washington. Dina is a cute name.

This huge, rich and powerful extended family, rich in servants and animals, were sort of George Bush rich, sort of Obama rich, sort of John Kerry rich, for their day.

Then came an event which has elements in common with The Iliad, Helen of Troy. Dina was Helen of Troy. Someone loved her, or abducted her, seduced her, or raped her. Someone else got very very pissed. Many people died over it.

The rich and huge "tribe", Jacob's family, camped near an inhabited village. Dina innocently went into the village to get to know some of the women there. Next thing you know, the prince of that village, the head honcho's son, is in bed with her. Was it rape? Was it seduction? I don't know. But the king of that village is now asking to be allowed to marry his son to Dina. He loves her. Or is it that he just raped her and now the whole town is shitting bricks to know that Prince just raped the wrong girl? Either way, they are begging Jacob (Israel) to allow his daughter Dina to marry their prince.

Jacob is fine with it. But Dina's brothers are not. Is it because they are protective of her? It's not presented that way. It seems more that they are insulted by the whole proceeding, they are considering this a rape, a defilement, an insult to them personally. It's like if someone raped your sister even though they knew who you were, you'd take it as a personal affront to you. I can see that.

But I don't think it is a rape. It reads more like a seduction. Nobody bothered to ask Dina how she feels about it. That is obviously irrelevant because she was dick-less. Dickless freak. Idiot. Woman.

Nobody asked Helen of Troy either.

Levi and Simon were the brothers most infuriated. A deal was struck, that Dina would be allowed to marry the prince, but only after the entire town full of males were circumcised. Ouch. And the town went along with it. They must have been terrified to go along with that.

Levi and Simon were not negotiating in good faith. It was merely a trick to gain a military advantage. While the men of this village were recovering from a very painful operation, Levi and Simon, and probably their servants as well, went on a killing spree reminiscent of Japanese troops in China in WW2. They murdered all the men. They took all the women and children and animals for their own. Do not fuck, literally, with my sister! Not unless you marry her first and the family consents to it.

Jacob/Israel was upset by it all. He was most definitely not into murdering a town full of men. Not his style. He didn't know in advance. If he did, he would have started beating the shit out of Levi and Simon. And Jacob's main concern wasn't the humanitarian aspect of it. It was a very practical concern. He feared revenge. You don't necessarily get away with wiping out a village. Maybe somebody comes by and kicks your ass in return. He was concerned with the way other people would view his family, and the possible repercussions. To his dying day, he was angry and unforgiving towards those two sons.

Those of you who know the Joseph story know that Joseph's brothers sold him into slavery because they were jealous that their dad loved Joseph most. I'd say it was a dysfunctional family, but the phrase is over-used and I don't know of a family that isn't dysfunctional now and then.