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The prince on the white horse

ZsuzsiO posted on Aug 16, 2008 | views: 573 | Tags: guys, Personal truth, attraction, dating
Most little girls dream about finding that one true love, having the first kiss in the most romantic way, and being happy forever with that one perfect guy. But in our hopes and dreams we do not really have a picture of that guy, we just kind of grow up learning what the perfect guy supposed to be like.
 
We want a guy to be strong. By that we not only mean muscles, but of course personality as well. We want a man to be able to lead, but than we also want some one to be nice and let us feel spoiled at the same time. It is true that women need their men to be financially stable, and that fact is mostly overly simplised by saying that we want our men rich. Well, rich means different in different social circles, so let's just say, that a man needs to be able to be the head of house hold, pay the bills, and let us worry about making the dinner, and not buying it. We want him to be sensitive to our needs and feelings, and we want him to be understanding and carring. Of course, we all want to be with a hendsome man.
 
But what if all this is simply not enough to decide who my dream prince is?
What type of guy do I really like? Tall, blond and handsome? Well.....
 
I grew up in the middle of East Europe, where most people are white. There are lots of natural blonds, and the most common hair color is medium to light brown. There was nothing special in that type, so naturally, I grew used to like the dark types. Dark skin is, and always going to be beautiful for the most Europiens.
Don't ask me how I got married to a blue eyed blond, but I must say, I was happy to have a beautiful white baby with blond curly hair. Did I think his father was the most handsome guy ever? No. Not at all. I loved his personality. I loved him, not his looks. But than, that got me divorced him too.
After my divorce I started dating black guys. It wasn't something I was looking for, but once it happened I kind of didn't see color any more. I got more familiour with the music, the culture, the humor, and I liked the whole thing - along with the tall, dark, muscular body type, of course.  But no matter how hard I tried to fit in with the new things I discovered, and learned to like, I always knew I will never really fit in. The food is one thing, but I have a whole cultural need as a  Europen half Jewish girl, who even left her family and immigrated to Israel just so I could live in a way I believe I should. So even though I do like the whole strong black type, what would I do when it comes to holidays, raising children or religion?
The man I can seriously take for my prince must be sharing the same cultural background as I do. Not to mention those angry black girls who hate to see their men taken by the white girls, right?
 
So returning to Israel was a though one. Here I can find the perfect man to raise children with, but than I going to have to settle down with short, hairy, and arrogant guys with a big nose and an even bigger ego.
I thought I founf the perfect solution with the last guy I dated - a dark skin Israeli who's grand parents came from India on the mother side, and though the father side came from France, they originate from Tuneese. He not only has the dark and handsome looks I like, but also speaks Hebrew, English and French and we are both leading a traditional, but not orthodox Jewish life style. Isn't it perfect? Not exactly.
 
I am sorry to say, but it is true that there even in within the Israelies there is a huge cultural difference that is hard to cross. I really have a hard time coping with the whole ignorance, and arrogance that is going on in this country. I remember that when my childhood friend came to visit me, she was shocked because she felt like people always argue with each other, when in fact, that is just the way people deal with things here. She told me that I've got way too agressive and unpleasant. Now, that's not a good thing to hear about myself.  This time I am older, and I know what are the things I do not want to turn into. Living with my ex I was irritated by these things, and just knew that this is not working out.
 
So I know I don't really want the arrogant Israeli type, and that I will never fit in if I get married to a black guy, but than, these are the guys I am mostly attracted to.
 
Will I ever find the right guy? Do all girls struggle with this same dilemma, or is it only my sillynes?


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Comments

  • Lucytorial said on Aug 16, 2008....
    Hi Szu, you know I don't think that by compartmentalising people into the right and wrong because of their background or culture is going to work.
     
    Love doesn't have boundaries, true love is something that we work on, it doesn't shine a light on the differences it highlights them for us to enjoy and learn about.  This is not difficult.  I kind of understand what you are saying, kind of.  Maybe if you stop looking the right man will fall into your lap, this more often happens than the search for the wholy grale so to speak.
    Although I don't really know you or your background all I can say is hang in there and try not to judge, let things happen and see where you end up.
  • scipio said on Aug 17, 2008....
    Good comment, Lucytorial. Short and to the point.
  • ZsuzsiO said on Aug 17, 2008....

    Hi Lucytorial  and scipio! Thank you for commenting on my thoughts!

    I understand the reasoning behind the whole :"love is bline" thing, but I will not be the first one to say, that that blinde love people often talk about is not at al eternal.

    I have been dating men of different color and background, and never felt that color had anything to do with my feelings. But the fact is that later on, when the hormones calm down, and reality kicks in, we all have to face the common issues of partnership: religion, or lack of religion, raising children, and yes, even the approvement of our society or whatever social circle we live in.

    I, for example, live in Israel, where simply based on my light skin color I am immediatelly marked as Russian, and guys think I am a slut. But mostly, people assume, that as most of the Russians here, I have no Jewish blood in me, which is just another reason for a darker family to simply not like me from the beginning. Should I dare to date an arab guy - not that I'd ever would - could result the worse treatment for my son in school, among the rest of the children. That is even worse than not being Jewish around here.

    Let's say I move back to either Hungary or to the US. I, as a jew, will always live honoring my heritage by following certain dietary rools, and celebrating only the Jewish holidays. Now how would that work out with a nice, Christian man? Or his family?

    Even my ex husband's marriage to a non Jewish woman created huge problems in our lives, because all of a sudden my son was exposed to Christmass and Easter and all the fun stuff that made him forget about who he is. My son due to this marriage is now eating pork meat, and has all the unaccaptable eating habbits of a non Jew when at his father's house - and loves it! Now i cannot decide for him, and all I could do is to leave the states and return to Israel in order to build up his Jewish being, and hope that one day he might feel that this is the right thing for him. But I know, that the chances of him turning away from who we are, in an all traditional, all Jewish family would be much less. Not zero, but minimal.

     Now I strongly believe in our ways, and I know that a husband of another culture would have a hard time adopting to my life style, while I will not compromise in this matter what so ever. Do not picture me as one of those Hassidic Jews, who look and live as if times have never changed. I am a perfectly normal simple person, who happenes to have a little faith and a huge respect of traditions. But if you see me on the streets I look or act no different than you or any one else.

    However, if you immagine an all Latin family, or black or white or chineese, as a matter of fact, traditions and religion have a big part in how they think of child raising as well. In some cultures the male is more dominant, while the other has the loudest women on earth. In some cultures street smarts is more important, or at least more common than in others.

    In my reality, children are a part of the community from the age of their religious maturity (girls 13, boys 14) and studying is a major priority for the community. By that I mean studying religion and religion history, but it is not a secret that Europien Jews take all kinds of education as high priority. We adore and spoil our children to the extreme, but than, at a very early age we start to pressure them with education of both religion, intellectual and physical. We are not loud, we are hardly cool, or thugish, and we do not really involve cursing in our daily speach. Women and men have their responsibilties in the family, no matter how modern we are. The mother is the heart and soul while the man is responsible for his children's well being both financially and mentally. So while I am ready to make sure tha house is kosher and ready for our celebrations (no, I was not talking about the cleaning and the laundry), my perfect mate would have to take my children to the Temple, teach my son the prayers, and help learning our religion and hystory as fun as possible by lots of quality time during Saturdays and holidays ( no, I am not limiting him into being the head of house hold, and the bill payer).

    The only thing is, that I am not physically attracted to Jewish guys. I am attracted to the spanish and/or black type in so many ways it is scarry. I have absolutelly no problem what so ever to fall in love with a man out of my heritage. I only question the quality of a marriage of such a combination based on the above.  

  • silverwhisper said on Aug 19, 2008....
    you know, zsuzsio, i really don't have anything to add here beyond what tobi-lee said.

    ed
  • UnsmoothOperator said on Oct 16, 2008....
    This was annoying, as if you ever could know what you really need.
    People are complex systems that no 1-2 qualities/flaws can completely define. Wether or not you 'love' someone is something you could never logically analyze.
     
    I am talking for myself here, but the less I define the perfect partner the more I meet different kinds of people and suprise myself at how I can get attached to all kinds of different people. People I would not have met if I have hidden myself behind a nationality, a hair color, of the food.
  • ZsuzsiO said on Oct 16, 2008....
    No, you are not talking to your self - i am glad to see more comments on my posts.
     
    I'm sorry if I annoyed you, but even you cannot deny the fact that there are many people thinking the way I do. Especially when raised by religion based traditions and culture.
     
    The truth is that love is not a good reason to base a family on simply because we fell in love for all the wrong reasons - looks, attraction, pation,,, none of them are bad or not worth the feeling, but when it comes to build a family and a life together, one must look a little further than just that.
     
    Of coure, I could be more flexable and say, marry a non-Jew. I could learn how to deal with the differences between us. But I simply don't want to. Being Jewish is important to me. In our religion it is the men's duty to bring religious teachings into the life of the children. Men have tasks and roles women don't. I do long for a man who can provide that quality for my children.
     
    Still, the more I date Israeli guys, the less I like them.
    The last guy I've dated called me a 2nd grade citizen a few days ago, because I was not born here, I don't have a family here, I have an accent, and don't relate to the middle eastern music. I wanted to remind him that this country was only created 50 years ago, and his grandparents, or maybe even his parents came here just like I did 14 years ago. My son was born here, just like their children, including him, were born here, only that his family keeps speaking the languange of their old country while I am able to adopt and adjust when in the country. But than I gave up trying even before I started. I knew that he would argue with me about what he meant, and how I was wrong, and in the end he would keep on thinking the same thing: that I am not a real Israeli. His sister and I tried to build a friendship, but unless I totally give up on everything I bring with me from my past - music, attitude, style of humor and even the foods they do not know - she looks at me as if I was an alien.
    Of course this month, when the Jewish holidays are piling up on us, it was really nice to be with a family that celebrates the traditional way, with all the blessings and all. I felt like I belong there, like it is what a family supposed to be like.
     
    I have been in love a couple of times before. My ex husband was a non-traditional Israeli, who couldn't care less about being Jewish. My next boyfriend was a black guy, who felt that I am interesting, but didn't really know what to do with my lide style.
    I've been dating a number of different guys since than - black, white, or Jewish love did not care. But I am not with any of those guys today.
    I think because I know that something is missing.

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