I'm reaching out. Even if it is online. I'm too ashamed to call a hotline. The person I've use to center myself is no longer talking to me, and I tried calling my husband but he was making plans to go out with his new roommate. So I told him to go. He is across the country anyway, and I don't need him ruining a job opportunity to come here.
I'm suicidal again. Not over the friend thing (though it didn't help) but where my life is. I feel so very alone lately. So trapped. There are new reasons this time, logical ones that I can't seem to talk myself out of.
Before it was either punishing my parents for my teenage issues, or this last time running away and ending my problems with my husband.
This time though, this time I am questioning faith, and the reason to put up with any of it. Is there really a point? Or is it just a drive to pass on genetics. If that's all there is, I'd rather not pass on depression, faulty ovaries, overeating, and pack-rat genes.
It's easy to convince yourself that the situation is just temporary and you'll move past it. But what do you say to yourself when you see no point to life in general. To any of it. Not to your own or any living thing on the planet. What do you do to convince yourself when beauty isn't enough anymore?
I was in the shower tonight sobbing on the floor feeling guilty that I wanted to die, too ashamed to tell my family and friends, and still too chicken to do more than wish for it. I made myself get up determined to reach out to someone tonight. I noticed a black dot on the tan tile. It was a spider. Not sure what kind, but he was taking advantage of the moisture in the air to either clean himself or get himself a drink as he kept bringing the ends of his legs to his mandibles.
It's small things like that that remind me of my belief in God.
I'm taking a deep breath, I'm letting it out and I'm going to trust that there is a point to all of this. That it's worth the pain and struggle and I won't regret having lived.
Gypsyheart posted on Aug 15, 2008
| views: 175
Comments
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anonymous said on Aug 15, 2008....
Believe in the point, no matter how small....hang in there. -
hinana said on Aug 15, 2008....
*hugs* i hope thimgs turm out ok -
pusscat said on Aug 16, 2008....
How strange that that spider just happened to be there? Made you stop, look and listen for a moment didn't it? Just like when I sat in my car on 26th May this year with 2 packs of Co-codomol tablets sitting on the passenger seat then, something caught my left eye. There it was - the cutest little young rabbit you could ever wish to see. He (or she of course) just sits there staring straight at me for about 20 seconds then off he hops to the left into a field I was parked by. I smiled for the first time in days. then the sun that hadn't been seen for days decides to break through the dark grey/black clouds. the tablets suddenly didn't seem like the right option. Who knows what may have happened if that baby rabbit hadn't happened on by?. . . .Keep finding the spiders in the shower Gypsy -
anonymous said on Sep 07, 2008....
I was chronically depressed since I was about 8 years old due to severe child neglect and abuse. It affects you physically in a way you might not realize. Your genetic code is one thing, but there is something called epigeneology. This tells which genes are to be switched on and off. If you were not nurtured as a baby, your epigeneology will ause you to have depression. It is PHYSICAL, and therefore can persist eve if you try to talk your way out of it.You must tell yourself that your emotions are lying to you. They tell you are depressed when there is no rational reason to be. It's the opposite of a drug telling you that you are high. It is like a depressant and feels like you took an overdose of liquor which is also a depressant, or benedrill, which can make you very depressed. It is chemical in nature. There are medicines that will reverse the disease.And that is what it is, a disease like a cold or a malformed arm. It is a thing that can be fixed. I am certain of it. Get the professional help you need and in 3 weeks you'll find you have a new life. I know I did. Do NOT give up. Do NOT commit suicide. It is illogical. Let your mind rule your emotions. Ignore how you feel and let your mind call that number for your state.
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