I sit here, talking to my ex (the one proposing to me) on AIM. And I realize, after I read an astoundingly sweet message he sent me last month, after getting up right as i finish reading the message to take a stress-poop (you know, the poop you take when you're so stressed that your body seems to need to shit some of the stress out) that he is a big source of stress in my life... and thinking about it further, always has been. [both of my ex boyfriends have been giving me the stress poops for a while now]

    When we were first sorta-together but unofficially, I was obsessed with him. I hurt all the time because he wouldn't just be with me and pushed me away until I retaliated on myself. Then, we finally get together and he leaves for the military. After we fucked each other over and broke up, he stopped talking to me, then proposes to me, and now he's in love with me still and I have no attraction to him any longer.
    Sounds kind of like karma, everything we sent each other was received again. I was obsessed with him for 2 years before we dated, then i fucked him over. Then he fucked me over, and now he's obsessed with me. >_<

    As for the kinda-ex, gee golly. He's busy trying to have his cake and eat it to, while I just fall right into it because I'm pathetic. I decided though, next time we hang out, I'm just going to be as distant as a just-friend would be and not have sex with him or anything intimate. In that case, I think he'd ask me what's wrong, to which I will respond, "Yeah, I'm just trying out that 'just-friends' thing for a night, how is it?" And well.... I'd get a reaction none-the-less. Something for me to get some hint to what the fuck is going on.

    Not the point in time in his life for a relationship my ass. idk. that's gotta be a valid enough reason. but im just not feelin it dude. its point in time enough for him to make love to me? act like were dating? have everything but the title?

gahh whatever. i just gotta keep reminding myself "its over. get over it. move on. just lie low."

i fucking love him. but i have to get over this.

i just want to enjoy what we have left.
i dont care if i'm pathetic, we have the most amazing sex ever.
i can enjoy that all i want.
so MLEH!

my stupid self-coaching in my blogs is probably annoying as fuck, but i just hope it helps a little. anyway...


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