I should probably keep track of the date. I do know what time it is, and what day. I am just not clear on the date itself. I couldn't get up this morning, naturally Monday morning syndrome. I asked Mo if she would pay for my classes since my income is bullshit at the moment and my total for 3 classes is $840. However, I can't remember if I asked her to pay for ALL or PART of my classes. I can't remember anything. This morning I had to go to the ATM to get the cash out of her account and deposit it into mine. Tuition was due today or they were going to cancel my classes. Thanks CCBC!!

Blah, I am just feeling sorry for myself. Trying especially hard NOT to think about the end of the month. I don't even have a floor in my room at my mothers. No floor. I should probably ask her about laying one and specifically when that is going to happen. On the bright side of life, however, I have lost 13 pounds on the South Beach Diet. I am through phase one and I am supposed to be moving onto phase two. But, I told Mo that I would continue phase one if she wanted to go on the diet with me; which of course she did. So, I have been in phase one for about 3 weeks. It is getting harder. I feel like my weight is at a standstill and I will need to push myself even harder if I want to reach my 50 pound by December goal. I can do it. I know I can. I have also been painting again. I am so proud of myself. I haven't painted in 4 or 5 years, but I picked it back up beautifully. I think it is amazing how a talent can lay dormant for so long and then come back and flourish. I can't wait to finish the painting I am working on now and frame it!

I think that Mo is on a power trip with this apartment thing. She is all about her. There is nothing that I can do. I love her. I am in love with her. I just struggle to understand where she is coming from a lot of the time. Last night she said, I need you to go to sleep. The statement, the (almost) order by itself does not have much force or feeling. From past experience when she has said that same sentence to me, I have been offended and my feelings have been hurt. It is usually said because I have to get up early in the morning and she wants to stay up and game. But, last night she said it very sweetly and almost motherly. It was then that I realized it is NOT what she says, it is HOW she says it. Her tone. Usually filled with irritation, rage or needyness. This time it was filled with compassion and love. I appreciated the sentiment, it helped me rest easier. I am a very sensitive person and there is only so "tude" I can handle before I just break down and cry. It comes out as, why are you always so mean to me. I don't think she means to be mean, she just doesn't know how she appears to other people. Plus, she is stubborn and set in her ways, she doesn't think things through. She reminds me of him more often than not. Funny how we are drawn to the same type of people.

She and I are good together, despite all of our drama. We love and care about one another and that is what is important. We compliment one another, whatever she has I lack and vice versa. For example, Mo is very outgoing. She knows what to say to almost anyone. She is very flirtatious and vivacious. She is the life of the party, so to speak. When we go out people identify her as "fun girl". She will dance and sing; she is full of energy. When she is with people she thrives. As much as she feels she doesn't need people, she does. Socially she is an extrovert, if that makes any sense. She needs people to have a good time. She is a child at heart. She loves watching cartoons and playing video games and there is nothing wrong with that. She is my secret in boys clothes.
I on the other hand am quite subdued. In fact I am quite proud of myself when I am able to put my self consciousness aside and (at least) try to talk to people as freely as she does. I do have a lot of confidence but mine comes from a different place than hers and is harder to hold onto. I am not the life of the party, I am the beautiful girlfriend that everyone always gives Mo props for. I am the arm candy. The whiter that white proper chic that really can't hang,  but I try. I love to sleep in and lounge in the morning. I love to paint and draw; I could go with out watching TV or playing video games, they don't appeal to me the way they do to her. I lost my "child at heart" spirit a long time ago. Now, I worry about "grown up" things more than I do about anything else.

Even still, we were made for one another. I need her to hold onto that the way that I have. I don't understand why we can't set a side our differences and just be together. They is what everyone that I have been talking to has said. If you love each other to the degree and intensity you have described, why don't you two just "go hard" so to speak. Just do what you have to do to be together. Fuck all the political and emotional bullshit and do it. Suck up the drama and the faults, figure out life together. Solve your problems together, no matter what the cost. Just stay together, keep your family together. You only have one life, LIVE IT and do it side by side, together. Unfortunately, they wheels have already been set into motion and there is no turning back.