I have been on an emotional roller coaster since my daughter woke me up this morning - Anger and anxiety this morning, sadness, and now irrational fear and anxiety about my trip tomorrow.
And I had this sudden realization hit me in the head like a baseball bat. When I really think about it, dig deep and think about it, I know that shame will never leave me. There is nothing I can do, it is there. Shame- ever prevalent; the pictures in my head, of the feel of him…shame, it is too strong of an emotion, of everything I feel, I think that it is the deepest emotion I have. I am never going to be able to get past it, which makes me very sad
I am journaling so much these days- I just have so many thoughts, questions and pain, and writing is the only way I can express it.
I have so much sadness inside of me; so much deep down, that I cannot reach. I want to let it out, I want to release it so badly. I just don't know how. I feel like it is dragging me down with it today, dragging me in a deep darkness, I want to let it have me, just for a little while.
I want to give into it just for a little while. I want to be able to just let it have me for a while without worrying about my daughter seeing me cry, without questioning looks from her beautiful blue eyes. I don't want to have to explain, when it is impossible for me to do so. I just want to feel. I want to be alone, I just want to be alone so I can stop worrying about what my breakdown will do to others, and I can just let it take me over.
I knew what he was going to do when he started touching me, and I should have said no. I should have stopped him. Yet, I didn’t – I said in a weak voice, “we’d better not do this, I don’t want too, we’ll both regret it… nothing can change.” I don’t even know if he heard me – and I just lay there – underneath him, exposed and vulnerable. “Tell me what you like. I love you, I want you so bad.”
I hate it! I hate that I didn’t voice out loud how I felt – I hate that I didn’t fight harder. I should have stopped it – but instead I just laid there.
How do you let go of that shame, honestly?
How do I let that go? How do I let go of the fact that almost every time a man had anything to do with me, it was about sex? I can’t let it go, and I hate myself, and my body because of it – I hate her!
It pisses me off that I am not stronger that that. Shame will never leave me.
