So I've been super quiet again lately. I haven't even barely been able to bring myself to comment, much less write a blog. But I have been reading everyone. I've just been very silent. Sometimes I'm in such a bad state, it's too hard for me to even talk. And that's always just weird because talking is what I do best. Most of the time no one can shut me up. So it's definitely unnerving to me and everyone around me, when I get too quiet.
But I'm slowly starting to feel better and more like myself. The way I've been feeling is hard to describe, but I tried explaining it to Nat by telling her I felt like I was trapped behind a glass wall. I can see everyone, and they can all see me, but there's just no information getting in or out. It's very strange and I probably sound like a total weirdo (but what's new).
Anyway, I explained this to her, and last night she wanted me try some sort of meditation thing in order to make me feel better and get rid of this glass wall I was trapped behind. Nat is really into yoga and she's awesome at focusing and meditating and getting herself centered. This is probably my absolute worst area of expertise. My mind races so much and wanders all over the place, so it's nearly impossible for me to even attempt the type of focus it takes to meditate.
But I was willing to try for her. So we went to bed and we spent a little time talking first. And before we'd gotten in there, I drank three sodas and a glass of water (that'll be important later) So we were laying there and she was trying to get me to breathe calmly and focus my mind on seeing this glass wall I was trapped behind.
Check. I saw the glass wall. Then she wanted me to visualize her standing on the other side. Check. Did that. Then she was going to send me her light, and I was supposed to envision that melting my glass box like it was a piece of ice sitting in the sun. Check. Sort of. I saw it start to melt, but then my mind wandered. All of a sudden someone was peeing on my glass wall instead.
Apparently I really had to go to the bathroom. I drank all that stuff and I was trying not to let it distract me. But it won out it. Some guy was peeing on my glass wall. So I told Nat about that, and it was impossible for her to keep her own concentration. She started cracking up and asked me what that was all about. Was that how I wanted to melt the glass? With pee?
No....not really. But I had to go! It was unavoidable. So she shoved me out of the bed and told me to take care of things and come back and we'd try again. But it was a lost cause. I couldn't stop laughing. And neither could she. There was just no chance for concentration again because I'd turned it into something really stupid without meaning to. I told you my mind wanders too much!
Eventually I relaxed again and stopped laughing, but then I fell asleep. So much for meditation. But I felt better this morning when I woke up anyway. I don't know if it actually did anything, or if I just finally got out of my weird funk. But I'm just glad I seem to be feeling more like myself now. It feels like it's been way too long....
evil_twin posted on Aug 10, 2008
| views: 298
Comments
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botoni said on Aug 10, 2008....
You've got me laughing so hard I had to rush to get rid of todays liquid consumption myself.....Thanks for that. I really hope you get over the blue funkies soon. Practicing meditation might help you get the hang of it. A little bit at a time and you'll have it down pat in no time.
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Zayda said on Aug 10, 2008....
ah dear, e_t, i cried laughing at the "some guy was peeing on my wall".
honestly, i don't think this means that you suck at meditation. i do think, however, that it means do not drink three glasses of soda and a glass of water before trying to meditate. lol. it wasn't that you mind was wandering, exactly. it was that your mind was letting you know that you need to take care of something physically before you could truly clear it. -
secretlife said on Aug 10, 2008....
hi e_t - so good to see you posting and laughing again! -
uniquely-ironic said on Aug 10, 2008....
well, that was a pretty focused subconscious you have going on! There is more than one method of meditation. Some people do well with a drum beat, others silence. Some do better with moving meditation, where they walk, looking at their feet. Give it another try. -
Mamie said on Aug 10, 2008....
i, for one, think that was a successful session! Good outcomes and everyone got to sleep in a dry bed! -
queenparanoia said on Aug 10, 2008....
hahahahahaha you were peeing on the wall!!! dude you are so funny!!! ;-) -
evil_twin said on Aug 10, 2008....
botoni--I hope I didn't make you wet your pants there :-P I'm starting to feel better now, so maybe I will give the meditation more of a try?
zayda--I'm glad I made you laugh :-) Yeah, drinking too much before attempting meditate, when I already have trouble focusing, was a bad idea!
secret--Thank you :-) It feels good to be laughing again too!
uniquely--The only types of meditation I've tried have to do with concentrating on something and trying to relax. But I have a hard time focusing on one thing. Maybe something with movement would be better?
mamie--I guess it was a pretty good outcome considering I did feel better, and I didn't wet anything :-P
queen--What can I say? My mind is a little insane :-P
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FutureGoddess said on Aug 11, 2008....
Kyle - I have been meditating for about a year or so now, and it is by far, one of the most amazing feelings when you succumb to the feeling. But, like you, I have a mind that races in 1,145,653 directions at once. Here's how I started: pick a phrase - any phrase that makes you feel really good about yourself (and only you can pick one - although PM me if you are interested in how to come up with one for you). Then sit, on a couch or chair you are comfortable in, and put your feet flat on the ground, your arms in the most comfortable position and just let your body relax (I tell my to relax systematically from head to foot). Close your eyes and repeat the phrase in your mind over and over and over again. If another thought comes up, just gently push it aside as you think your thought over and over again. My first meditation was 5 minutes, it now has built up to an average of 35 minutes (sometimes 20, sometimes an hour) - you know when you are really meditating when your body feels like a sack of rice and your mind feels like it is floating....it's a really wonderful and wild feeling. Also, you can go to youtube and look up the American Monk who will teach you to meditate as well. -
quietone said on Aug 11, 2008....
good to see ya back kyle. don't give up, keep trying... just don't drink so much before hand! LOL -
evil_twin said on Aug 11, 2008....
FG--Thanks for letting me know that you've been successful with this, despite having a racing mind too. I've tried a few times to do this, in various ways, but it's never really been successful. I am interested to know how to pick a phrase to focus on because I have no idea.
quietone--I think this might be my new thing that I'm going to try more. Everyone seems to think it'll help me, I just have to drink less before trying it :-P
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CreativeWoman said on Aug 11, 2008....
evil twin,
I think your meditation was successful because it brought out your fun side. That's always a win. And like Mamie said, you slept in a dry bed. :-)
My mind is always full too. I learned at one of my hypnotherapy sessions to create an anchor. I chose the word peace. When I'm beginning to feel stressed or that my mind is getting too full, I place my hand over my heart and say "peace". I then reflect on the most peaceful moment in my life for a moment or two. I find it helpful. You can choose any word or event that you might find helpful to you personally. I do it at least a couple of times a day to center myself.
I'm glad you're feeling better.
CW
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evil_twin said on Aug 11, 2008....
CW--I suppose anything that makes me feel better and makes me laugh, can be considered a success huh? I really want to be a calmer person, so I'm willing to try anything at this point :-) -
wishyouwerehere said on Aug 11, 2008....
I'm glad you gave the meditation a try - I think the outcome was a reflection of your biological urge to pee, but also could be a metaphor of melting the glass wall by letting out what you have bottled up inside.Meditation can be our key, our tool for living mindfully in the present. It doesn't eliminate thoughts, but it takes us outside our past regrets and worries for the future so it can allow us to take in what we already have in the here and now.A sense of humor helps us deal with many barriers. So pee on the glass wall, my friend, if that's what it takes! More power to you - Wishy -
the_infernal_optimist said on Aug 11, 2008....
This was hilarious all over again today. :-D
~Infernal
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evil_twin said on Aug 11, 2008....
wish--I really like your idea that the peeing thing had to do with my need to get rid of what's bottled up inside me. That's interesting! My sense of humor has always served me well, so I try really hard never to lose it.
Infernal--Glad I made you laugh again :-P
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uniquely-ironic said on Aug 11, 2008....
Here is a link to walking meditation. Some people will do this while they walk a maze. The beach, a park, etc. are all good places. -
Mr_Box said on Aug 11, 2008....
This is hilarious :-P I wish I read this earlier but I didn't think you were writing anymore so I didn't check. It's been so long! I know you've been feeling quiet though, so I'm glad to see you back again.I think that meditating does help a lot. But it takes practice like everyone else said. Just keep trying. And in your case, I think it's good that Nat is helping you. It might be nice to have someone try and keep you focused.Just don't drink a shitload of soda beforehand ;-) -
stoneskin said on Aug 14, 2008....
Ha, but who was the guy?! Now that is the question. -
silverwhisper said on Aug 15, 2008....
kyle, that's hysterical, man! seriously though, what made you think drinking all that soda before going to bed was a good idea though?!
i find that i have trouble with meditating too on the rare occasion that i try it: my mind tends to race at the most inconvenient times, to be honest.
but you know something? i think the fact that you guys were so tickled that you couldn't get back to meditating is actually a good thing--it says that you and nat have fun. and to quote dawn, from buffy: and what could be bad about that? :>
ed
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