While I served I did enough of this which contributed to my mind losing itself.
One night, one nightmare, one death.  I was gone.

While serving in California we were on funeral detail and I had a nightmare.  I dreamt that I went under a Semi Trailer and flipped over.  I begged my mom to make sure that they brought my body home.

Three days later I was unable to contact my parents.  I finally called my Grandma's house and my mom answered the phone.  My cousin died.  She went under a Semi Trailer and flipped over. 

I was never the same after that funeral.  I re-enlisted to avoid going home to deal with my issues only making my issues worse.  I knew my mind was losing itself and I could not explain the Erratic  behavior to my friends, my family, or me. 

As I sit here writing this my tears are falling.  I failed the people who trusted me, those brothers in arms who helped me through basic, those I served with who passed away during the Gulf War.  I can never fix what I broke, those I shamed or owe money too.

I am so tired.  I am just so goddamn tired.  At 41, I shouldn't feel like this.