The wind has changed direction over night, its now blowing from the west. The clouds are rushing past, the edges of them swirling and twisting, joining and bumping into each other against a cornflower blue sky. I have been lying outside on a blanket enjoying the spectacle, and making the most of my last few UK days. The cat, the flluffy scared on was running round the garden chasing a leaf and the cool laid back one was lying next to me rolling around in please at teh warm sun on her tortoiseshell fur.
My lovely daughter was lying on the sofa watching the olympics, still in her pj, eyes heavy with not enough sleep, an empty, apart from the crusts, plate next to her on the floor and the aroma of marmite on her skin as I came in and kissed her cheek.
This evening we are going out for dinner with my big daughter and grandaughter, and I feel that each time I see her she is slipping away, futher, protecting herself from the goodbye we must face this week. Yesterday I was by myself and listened to "slipping through my fingers" from the mamma mia soundtrack. (if you havent heard it look on u tube for the video clip, I defy any mother not to be moved) and I sat and howled at the thought of leaving the 2 of them on the otherside of the world.
I look at her and still see the perfect baby I was passed on the day she was born, the little girl starting nursery, the girl on crutches or in plaster from falling off horses, out of trees, off unicycles, and the woman she has become, giving birth this year and the wonderful mother she is becoming, and I feel as if I am being torn in two. I need to do this change in my life and I have to do it now, but I cant bear to leave them here. Im sitting here typing and the tears are pouring silently down my cheeks
I am so excited and so sad. Its hard being a grown up
