Does God have feelings? I think he/she must. If you consider our divine origins, our own emotions must have a source, especially since we are said to be made in God's own image.
I had a long conversation with my father yesterday. My dad is my hero, and I admire him in so many ways. As I get older, I find his opinion means even more to me than it did when I was under his roof. I am very fortunate to be able to speak with him so openly.
I told him what happened the other night and how disappointed I am in myself. He was very silent. With tears in my eyes, I asked if he felt disappointed as well. He admitted that he was, explaining that I have every right to be angry, but it should not have taken me so long to express it that I had to resort to breaking dishes.
I tried so damned hard to rise above it, I told him. All along, I have been committed to taking the high road, concerned that my actions remain consistent with my spiritual values.
"Ay, m'ija," my dad said. "Even God gets angry."
There is such a thing as righteous anger - the emotions we feel when we have been witness or party to genuine injustice. Some of the things I see at work make me very, very angry - people with chronic illness or debilitation that could have been prevented by proper health care if cost and insurance was not such a tremendous barrier ... I never questioned this anger. It's my own anger at being hurt myself that leaves me feeling so conflicted. I guess I never really acknowledged my own feelings of victimization.
It is hard to admit that my ex-husband took extreme advantage of me - sure, it would be easy if I only had to place the blame, but in doing so, I also need to be truthful about my own role. I allowed it, and I allowed it for a very long time. Was it so much easier to close my eyes and play martyr, or was I just afraid that everyone would see through my "perfect" facade? I followed all the rules, did my best to be a good wife - and where did it get me? Seems so unfair.
This anger is difficult to manage, but not as hard as dealing with the shame. I have no intentions of holding on to it, so I suppose it is best to get it out in the open where I can finally let go. I only wish it hadn't taken so long.
"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present." ~Jan Glidewell
I can't hold on to this - there's too much joy here in the present for me to get stuck in the past, I just don't want to perpetuate my past mistakes. Let me examine them and learn. Lessons are easier to carry than regrets.
