Years of counselling grieving mourners has given me a little insight into the process of gettting life back to normal. Right now my knowledge seems somehow inadequate.
In my previous post "An Officer and a Gentleman" I wrote about Guy. About the sudden loss of his lover in vehicle accident and about the damages that his lovers family have done with their homophobic and caloused attitude. Many of us here at SoulCast have said things like 'everything happens for a reason' and 'karma is working'. It's a simple step for me to understand that Guys' path and mine have crossed for a purpose. Its' pretty obvious that Guy can benefit from my support.
We talk daily. I sense the power of his grief and what it has done/is doing to him. Finding that magic potion that will make it all better would be wonderful but it just doesnt exist. The next best thing is a simple offering of a shoulder and an ear. Now and then a distraction when the feelings are raging and also allowing him time to be alone and let the emotions rage.
Following along with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross with her stages of grief can give a bit of understanding to how normal grief really is and how it affects. Those five stages seem clinical and sterile to me right now. Ms K-R uses this pattern to define the stages of grief:
Denial - that sense that death hasnt really occurred or the feeling that it's all a bad dream.
Anger - demanding the answer to Why me/why him?
Bargaining - make this go away and I'll be good/obey.
Depression - not caring to go on.
Acceptance - being ready to let life continue.
Dr. Roberta Tenes defines grief in a three stage pattern like this:
Numbness
Disorganization
Reorganization
No matter how we approach it grief is a very real experience that every one of us has or will experience. There is no measure or thermometer to calculate the intensity of grief. There certainly is a huge difference in the feelings when one loses a loved on who has lived a full life and dies of old age in their nineties compared to losing someone young who hasnt had the opportunity to experience the full measure of life.
In the five stage process it is certain that they do not occur in exact order and are not measurable. Guy doesnt demonstrate any sense of denial. Anger is present but I know that it will ebb away in time. Sometimes I hear him expressing fringes of bargaining. He will say he would rather it was him. That feeling, too, will eventually fade to being less present. He tells me that he feels his depression improving. Acceptance isnt quite present yet for him although I can sense he is moving forward with his life.
If I look at Dr. Tenes theories it is easier to see that he was numb. The disorganization has abated and he is beginning to reorganize. I like this pattern better because it seems more gentle. Guy understands that the feelings will occur and that they will have varying intensity. He is starting to speak minimally of good memories. The sad memories and the loss of dreams is still very present for him. Things as simple as going to a restaurant with someone remind him that he is doing something that he would have done with his lover and he feels the pangs of sadness. He has difficulty enjoying many things because because he is reminded that each thing is something that they would have done together.
Relocating from east coast to west coast at this time is probably one of the best things that could help him through his transitions. His furniture has arrived in Victoria and is sitting in his apartment waiting for his return from holidays. He's spending the next two weeks with his family in Montreal. On the 24th of this month he will land in Vancouver on his way home to Victoria. I'll be at the airport waiting for him when he arrives. He is allowing me to spend a few days with him helping to get his furniture in place and his apartment in order. I feel very priviledged to share that time with him. It will be a second good break for me from all the turmoil in my renovations. Going alone to a new apartment in total disaray would likely be very sad. Perhaps I can help him from feeling entirely alone.
