So here it all is....I am warning you this is alot for anyone to read because its a complete mess.....

So i was with this guy for over four years since i was fifteen, this all ended over a year ago but never really went our seperate ways. I wouldnt say it was a great relationship because towards the end the way i was being treated wasnt good at all. He ended up cheating on me and all kinds of things.

a couple of months after we split up we were still good friends i started dating a guy i knew through my ex, we okayed this with him and everything, this guy we shall call him A treated me like an absolute princess, needless to say I fell head over heels, we didnt spend ne moment apart, and i had never experienced nething like it. but then my ex started to get all weird and suicidial and want me back etc, so i spent most of my time trying to keep my ex happy therefore sacrificing the best thing that had happened to me, needless to say A left me shortly after, I was completley shattered, but by this time my ex had found someone else and didnt want nething to do with me, even though i had sacrificed a compleltley amazing relationship to be there for him.

The rest of the year I spent having no respect for myself and not being happy at all, I would just let guys use me and think it was okay, because they wanted to be with me it made me feel good, even though in reality they only wanted one thing.

At the start of this year I decided it was a time for a change and things needed to be different if i was ever going to find someone to be happy with.

In about April i met someone well i had met them previously, but only just started getting to know them. You see I worked with this person lets call him S, we had met in passsing a year before but never really talked etc The moment I had met him before we started talking I was instantly attracted to him, he even he was on the heavy side, he had these amazing beautiful eyes, there was something there.

He started talking to me and ringing and emailing me more and more at work, for stupid things he didnt really need to. We started emailing back and forth one day constantly. The thing is the whole time I knew he had a gf. By the end of the day he had given me his mobile number and told me to msg him etc.

Basically from there we started emailing all day every day and i started seeing him at work more and more and the more we got to know each other the more i felt for him, u see it turned out whenhe had first met he had felt the same thing but never thought i would of felt the same as him. We started flirting and about a month past and we caught up outside of work and things happened between us, and they continued to happen..he ended up feeling guilty and telling his gf about the first couple of times but even though it kept happening he stopped telling her. he would call me and msg all the time and we were constantly in contact.

Until I ended up leaving that job and working in the city, closer to where he leaves..

I hadnt seen him for over a month until this week, he had told me he jsut wanted to be friends and thats it because he couldnt keep hurting me himself and doing what he was doing to his gf. She left on Monday to go away for a while and then by tuesday he had changed his mind again, he ended up seeing each other on wednesday and thursday night. See it is his 21st bday this weekend and i bought him a signed lakers jersey by his fav player and got it framed it ended up costing me a fortune he loved it, and I guess basically where i am at now is that, I dont think he realises just how much I have fallen for him he has told me on numerous occasions he has strong feelings for me but not as strong as his gf.

he misses his gf cause she is away but he can still be with me aswell? I know it sounds like he is using me but he generally has feelings, I dont know whats going on but I dont want to hurt anymore and thought maybe getting this out there would help.  I know lots of people dont think I should of done what I have because of the gf situation but you cant help what your heart feels.

I would appreciate anyones suggestions/comments.

I am at the point right now where I never want to talk to him again because this is way too hard and I am hurting so much.