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The Tilted room - the missing link

cuppajava posted on Aug 07, 2008 | views: 101 | Tags: solace, promises

I had left something out of the post I did called 'The Tilted Room - Part one'

Here it is..............

................My old heart will never be the same

I've been rotting away in my tilted room

And now I know who's to blame

Please believe me i never meant you harm.....................

 

For a long time i blamed myself - then i realised i couldn't handle it,so i started to blame others,insignificant people,things.

But it wasnt there fault,it  was mine,all mine and no one else's

I shouldn't have been so stubborn

They hated that about me - but they tolerated it and put up with it because they loved me.

But I shouldn't have been so stubborn.For once in my life  - I should have known better,But I suppose this is now a higher power's way of teaching me a lesson.

Well,have i learned the lesson ? Maybe ,Maybe not - will I ever be THAT stubborn again?I dont think so.But will there ever be an 'again?'

I dont think so...................

It's all my fault

I shouldn't have been so stubborn



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Comments

  • Lucytorial said on Aug 07, 2008....
    For what sake, who's? should you now regret the life that you live and lived with someone special?? how would going back and changing that about yourself changed the direction of your future your life, hers??? some things are meant to be honey, there is no good or bad there just the IS and IT of life.
  • Lucytorial said on Aug 07, 2008....
    btw hiay!
  • cuppajava said on Aug 07, 2008....
    Hi Lucy - i dont regret the life that I live now - I cant - that would be stupid,especially considering it is the life I have chosen to live.
    I do blame myself for what happened.I have tried hard for all these years - it feels like 50 - not to blame myself.But,I knew that she was a nervous driver in the rain,work wouldnt have really missed me THAT much if I didnt go in that day.Was the car as roadworthy as it needed to be to drive in weather like that.It was my responsiblity to make sure that it was.
    I have a lot of unanswered questions.But I know that knowing the answers now,will not make a difference.Nor will it bring her back.
    Thats the sad part
  • quietone said on Aug 07, 2008....
    cuppa, you have gone through so many ups and downs emotionally in a short time.  Your loss, your grief is more than I could even imagine.. but you are moving on and forward as she would want you to do as well.  Things could have turned out the same even if you had been driving ya know.. but you are right, none of the what ifs, or if onlys, will bring her back.
  • pusscat said on Aug 07, 2008....
    Hello CJ
     
    There are differences between promises we make within our wedding vows that we can uphold and things we can only say we will do to the best of our ability.  I know the two of you had the traditional wedding of her religion (please forgive me for not being sure if that was Hindu) but I am sure you both still made the promises to love and honour and cherish though maybe with different words but, and it is a big but, there are so many things we can not promise and should not promise as they are beyond our control always; one of those is to keep someone safe, to keep them from harm's way - we can not ever promise someone that we will always keep them safe - we can try to the best of our ability.  You did that CJ.
     
     Jo was a grown woman who often went out into the big wide world on her.  She knew of it's dangers and she knew of it's beauty.   Without facing the dangers none of us would ever know of its beauty.   Jo's car was stationary when the other car hit her from behind.  That would have still happened with you driving, me driving, anyone driving.  Her car was then hit by 2 other vehicles.  I don't think the odd bit of extra maintenance on the car would have made an ounce of difference my friend.  So you see - because you are alive, you are able to tell us all here of this marvellous, beautiful women whom you loved and she loved you.  There would have been no more sense in you driving that car and you both having lost your lives. 
     
    I don't think there is a person on this earth that doesn't feel guilt for being the one left behind - being the 'survivor', in those circumstances.  I am glad you are here CJ and I am glad that we got to learn a little about Jo.
  • secretlife said on Aug 07, 2008....
    cj:  if the tables were turned, and if you were killed in that accident, would SHE want you to suffer?  to blame yourself? to feel guilty every day because you lived and she died?
     
    i know she wouldn't.
     
     

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