So, my ex proposed slightly to me again. Not the ex I've been ranting and raving about, but the one before that one. The marine.

    While me and the not-so-boyfriend were going out, my ex calls me up and pretty much proposes to me randomly out of no where. And I'm like "yeah i'll think about it" but it was pretty obvious i was thinking no.

    But I just got off the phone with him, we were IMing about how we put up with each other's shit so well and how hes the only person who seems to really know me. idk y but i threw out there "lets get married" and he asks if thats supposed to be a joke. i didnt know how much i was kidding or not. so he talks about how we could get married and such. and then he calls me, and i was scared of a real proposal but instead he tells me that he's still in love with me and all that.

    i dont know what to think. i find myself actually considering it, but im sure its for all the wrong reasons. something in my head is saying if i started talking to him all the time again i could fall in love with him all over again, but im so in love with my not-so-boyfriend... who can't seem to really love me back and doesnt even want to see me.

    jeez. every fucking suggestion makes a million thoughts race through my head. im not ready to get married, i shouldnt think about it... but its such a nice dream, to have someone to love and to love you there by your side. and my ex, i know he loves me. and i love him, i always will. but im not in love with him anymore.... am i?

    and my not-so-boyfriend, we connect on so many things, but he doesnt want all the same things i want. i do want to get married and have a family, and he doesnt. ok, well truthfully hes actually scared to death of losing his youthful time to make music and fulfill all his aspirations. when we talked about why i actually want children and such, he really seemed to want it too, but i dont want to just go convincing myself or something, getting all femme about it or some shit. though, i do know him, and i know hes just scared of all that shit when it really boils down.  that is why he broke up with me. hes scared to commit to anything except his fucking band. but i dont want to come last in the priority list here. and i know my ex, to this day, still keeps me at the top.

    i should stop thinking.

    god i hate thinking about these kind of things, its like how my education is fucking up right now. im pretty much fucked either way, whichever path i choose to take, and i wont really know if i'll be ok on either path until im far enough down one of them. i just have to squint before i leap and hope it turns out ok.

    but i'd never make a decision like marriage quickly.

    and i would never get with one ex before getting shit squared away with the other.

    i wish my not-so-boyfriend would just fucking talk to me. i cant take this shit. hes such a big baby. i need to figure out how to feel!!!!

ARRGHHH im so frustrated!

    something like this shouldnt have to be analyzed, it should just come exploding out of my heart.