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12:45p.m. Aug03,2008

John: Wow... I feel like someone was quoting the verbage from the RIng.. you know.. Tolkien -
         Sauron's Ring with the words of Mordor.... like that...

Joanne:  yeah, it does sort of feel  that way, now doesn't it?
              -anyway... let's see now: hmmm-  infection.... aahhmmm....we had infection because
               we did not have a clean water supply.... the open well at the back of the house (30
               or 40 feet away- and it was an open hole / lined with black plastic 36inch culvert tube...
               
              and it was about 20 feet deep..>>>
 
               and water remained within 10 or 12 inches of the top... but some surface water was
               able to runoff into it... we used a chainsaw in winter to cut hole for access.. and this
             was the washing water.... other than what was gathered in cans / barrels etc.. o f
              rain water.... and in winter.. melted snow...

              but we were having another year of drought.. and the storms skirted all around us..
              but we were not getting fresh rain water at our house...
  
             and we only had a little drinking water in 5 gallon jugs: brought by husband on a 'good'
             day....  and the rock stack well out front... 1/4 mile down the hill...up the ridge, over the
             creek... down the next hillside... all in open field= sun beating down / goats running wild
             ... was too far to go for water by carrying by hand or wheel barrow

           Plus, I was getting kind of weak, physically... we had been living on baking soda biscuits
          ... had had raisins but had run out week or two prior... and rose hip tea (for vitamin C)...
           and being the 2nd or 3rd week running on that... after entire summer .. since March?- -
           with no regular groceries...

             and the girls were feeding the 30+ rabbits / 2 dozen laying hens / 35 or so meat bird
           chicks / 2 dozen laying-hens-to-be... chicks.../ 3 market weight (= 140lb or more)pigs...
          and half a dozen or so... goats...
          by pulling grass for them.  We no longer had grain for them, nor money to buy grain,
          nor access to a vehicle to go anywhere...

         And I was pretty well stuck in the house, looking after the baby... would not leave her alone
         for too long, as, she was self-mobile... but likely to fall down steps or encounter other
          hazards..
         and sick.  and the 3 year old (boy) too....

John:  and then there was all the madness.. you know?... that... "Am I insane?- - Do I really
         Hear This... "john" person.. telling me to get the hell out..?? and whether it was o.k. with
         "Jesus" ... if I contemplated doing something like that"... you know -- all  that stuff you were
        laboring with... as well as the... I don't n know what to call it ... that- - Loyalty - or - responce
       ibility to the 'spouse' thing... that...

Joanne:  you mean the "love" for the one I married?? and all the good intentions... and "must be
        kind..".. energy - stuff like that?

John: exactly.

Joanne: Yes, well. of Course!.  I could not just walk away like... as if it were ok for me to do that,
          now, could I?   I did not know anything about... Canadian Law.. or the more recent socially
          acceptible behaviours... of what I probably reckened as you know.. {{"servants"}}(to
         carefully avoid the 'n' word}}}}..... getting uppitty"...

         and yes: I was really - really - -

John: "Concerned? -- about your sanity?

Joanne: Well, yes!!..  and then you said something like... "All they can really do is give you a
         medication... you know.. and something or somehow try to get you to be able to act or
           carry on... in a sort of a normal way... ie- if you keep cooking meals, and doing laundry
          and baking the bread... look after your little ones.. there is not much they can do to harm
          you... " or something like that..

John: Yes.  that was exactly the gist of the message.
           It took a long time for you to actually realize.. and me too: I mean, I am caught up in the
          emotions and whatever... of the circumstances.. and it took a long time to stop being
          afraid of the kids being taken away.. as it were.. by the Children's AId.. or whoever..
          because it took a long time to realize that  no one wanted your job... the job of actually
         looking after and raising.. the kids.

Joanne: Well, if  and in case I have not said this recently: thank you for helping me with that,
           John."

John:  You are certainly welcome.  And I totally enjoyed every minute of it:  it is like, I died and
         went to heaven.. or even better!! because I got to experience .. from first hand.. on the inside as part of the body/// the life and death experience... with all the changing of bodily form
     and the aches and pains, and the nervousness,.. and paranoia.. all the outright.. FEAR
      of giving birth... pregnancy and the weakness of that state.. along with all the psychological
      stuff that the husband had going on..

Joanne: and for me, dealing with the impossibility of your even.. existence.. I mean..

John: yes. I know.  Me  too though- you remember that!  all that.. "am I the Anti-Christ?" stuff
       you know... like - - - - <<< Seriously!!>>> .. and some one or some--- thing-- not to be
       seen with EYES or heard with EARS... but some how still existant or- - there--- to give
       an answer ... of some kind.. you know..

Joanne: fear is a marvelous wonder to contemplate... is it not?

John: yes.  it totally is.  anyway.. I really can only say that I totally enjoyed the entire experience
        (times 9.. you know.. i was there for nine of the twelve children... from conception, through
         birth... nursing, diapers, toilet training.. and onward to puberty..).. and I still like "picking up the pieces" literally at the end of each day... for you.. or - with you.  you know.

Joanne.  I love you too, John.

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