Part 4*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_8888---... 1:46p.m. Joanne: Well, John, you know: this is pretty difficult to do.. and

John: you mean this writing?

Joanne: yes.. it is getting to be like ..

John: trying to mop an auditorium floor with a handi-wipe?

Joanne: yes!... I mean.. I think people are going to be getting upset with the way you are always interrupting.. and..

John: ackj! no.... everyone wants to hear what "John" thinks! come on!...You know that, Joanne :Mr. social.. Mr.. he can make grown men wear pink socks on a green day... mr.. You know... everyone wants to hear what John has to say about .. everything.. I mean.. the CIA can be glad... they can thankk f**ing God that... the internet with the social networking did not exist when John Lennon.. was still stumping about in the Dakota.. and all that I mean.. I would have..

Joanne: You probably would have died younger.

 John: Yes, well (grins sheepishly)... yes.. that is probably what would have happened..

Joanne: yes, so anyway.. to get back to our story here...

John : You mean August 4, 1994?

Joanne: yes. that is what YOU wanted me to talk about, right?

John: UHm.. yes. I guess I was the instigator of this.

Joanne: ok, so... emotionally: I was a train wreck in the Rockies... basically. and       psychologically /religiously... I was totally de-moralized... and confused... when I woke up in the mornings... and this had been going on for about a year and a half...

 It was like standing on the edge of a cliff... and you can look out and look over.. you know.. you can see all the scenery in the distance.. and down below.. whatever.. and it was as if.. the reality... of being on the verge of becoming .. a person with total amnesia: was where I was at...

I could comprehend how.. that could happen: that the Pain.. of living.. of experiences.. and thought.. would become so great.. it would be like what I said about.. "breathing"/.. you go unconscious and your body takes over..

so.. I was waking up in the mornings.. having had a black = dream less.. or at least: totally not able to remember... even having had a dream,/// even if I did.. and I think I was.. but they were just too deep.. and too dark..

and I would wake up, and open my eyes.. and see the room / the daylight / the scenery out the window.. and would say. "Oh. Planet Earth. We are still here... one more day. Great. let's go." like that. Exactly like that. and the conclusions were...

"If I am crazy.. as long as I can keep looking after the kids.. " and well, in the end, I recieved as it were - direct permission.. to leave. from "Jesus".. and it came in the form of words that came out of the pen, into a song...

as I was writing songs at the time... and they were of the purely inspirational sort... like.. what do they call that, John?"

John: "Automatic Writing".. like that satanist.. back in the whatever century... he wrote all that stuff... just put it down like a dictational.. and it was years before he even believed much of what he had written..

Joanne. yeah. like that. and the words were... well, my husband was insisting (for years prior) that...he and John were the Right and Left hands.. of Jesus..

John just guess who was 'right' and who was 'left' (he winks slyly)

Joanne:... and so the line I recieved was, "With or without hands: My arms are outstretched." which , was Jesus.. (or whoever.. or whatever that is...) saying to me: "Come on, Joanne: jump! I will catch you!".. and it did not matter whether John or "Jim: (the husband) were involved or not.. as Jesus is reported to have said... in the bible.. remember? He said, "If thy Right hand offend thee: cut it off..." and his meaning here was: he was willing to cut off BOTH hands... and so, I decided that... i could leave.

 John: This was really serious, because... for some time prior to this.. and on occasions in former years.. but really Drastically.. at this time.. Joanne was of the thinking.."They (meaning - me- John- - - and Jim-- the husband...) could BOTH GO TO HELL.. and she meant that in the very... literal. physical/ religious/ actual... bodily... sort of way.. and.. I was in a state of.. I knew or believed.. or was persuaded.. I KNEW: that if hell actually exists... then Joanne could easily persuade Jesus to throw me and him(Jim) and anyone else: in there.. like, ... in a very real way. so.

and I could not blame her for that.. in fact.. I absolutely agreed with her.. I knew that that is all I deserve.

Joanne:you interrupted me again.

John- smiles... Yes, I realized that.. just as I was stopping for a breath there...forgive me?

Joanne. shakes her head. laughing.. which means "yes". * ------- * ------- * ------- *

Joanne: So, I had been going through about a year and a half of.. praying to God: that I would not wake up in a coma.. or with total amnesia. and, it is 14 years later.. and I still only remember the tinyest snatches of dream on any given.. morning.. waking up... only just a little... or even, just the residue emotional feeling of whatever was experienced in the dream.. they are lying somewhere just below... consciousness. sometimes I feel them.. in the daylight. 2:30p.m. _*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*____*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_* Try checking out the artwork, designs, and products available at http://www.cafepress.com/johnlennonlover. or visit our home website: http://www.johnlennonlover.com