• evil_twin said on Aug 03, 2008....

  I know exactly how you feel, Mimi. There are always people who I feel like it's work to keep things going. And it makes me feel pathetic sometimes because I wonder if I'm annoying them with my constant emails or messages. For me, there does a come a time when I just sort of stop trying. I figure if it's always me who writes or calls first, then I'll just stop doing it. And if they notice, and decide to contact me, I'll keep it going. But if they just let me fade away, I'll assume that's what they've wanted all along.
  
  It sucks. But unfortunately sometimes certain friendships are more important to one person than the other :-(
  
  -evil_twin LA
  

• queenparanoia said on Aug 03, 2008....

  i dont blame you mimikins... it happened to me too... youre right. friendship is a give and take relationship... and it's gets tiring when youre the only one who only gets to give and give...

• polarheart said on Aug 03, 2008....

  Meems, I am with you 100% in this.  I understand completely.  I also get "addicted" to carrying on being the one to reach out first, just in case if I dont then I might not hear from them. . .how sad is that?  Its like I dont want to leave it to fate/destiny as to how strong my friendship will be with certain individuals. 
   
  I know that embarrasing feeling.  I dont want to make other people in my life feel that way, but I am sure that inevitably I do and its not intentional. . .sometimes life just get complicated and I withdraw.  So, I am sure some of my friends feel like I am not being very good to them :-(
   
  Anyway, Meems, I just wanted to say "shift over" I'm getting in the boat with you! LOL!
   
  aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh, when will we ever know the answers? LOL!
   
  Love Polar xoxox

• gingersoul said on Aug 03, 2008....

  Mimi......your post made me think....and i have to say that no, it didn't happen to me that often...
  
  I recall only few friendships during which i have been the one pushing for it...
  
  I don't know........i believe friendship moves like the waves
  The basic current is always there but on the surface the everyday life makes the waves of the reconnecting coming and going, coming and going.
  And i must have been very lucky in having had friends that have been in tune with my currents...
  
  Right now, i have to admit, i am on the other side of your fence .....
  Some friends are hurt by the fact i am not connecting with them as much as we used to...and it hurts me when i realize that, damn, they are right....but it wasn't my intention, i don't love anymore, i dont care less or worry less...the affection is always here...
  I wish they could feel it ....so in this case i decided to show them more and better that i am the same one...
   
  Fact is I always have been used to what i call "subterranean friendship".....especially since i moved here in the States and i had to leave behind all my Italian friends...among them there were two of my best ones..
  
  With some of those the selection happened naturally....  and i lost many in the process...but i can blame me and them only this much....some friendships needs nurturing and presence more than others, its true.
  
  But i am proud to say that i kept the ones i cared the most....and some other friends have been reclaiming their places in my life before i did .
  
  Friendship never dies when is real.
  We can go years without talking with a true friend but when we do it does seem we have been stopped talking.
  
  Mimi....i would suggest you to deep cleaning your friendship closet....don't be afraid to throw away the old ones that don't fit you anymore.....we change, people change..
  Think like you are simply making room for new ones.
  
  But be careful in this: be sure that your friend is really "dead; and not in subterranean mode. Since you have this strong and prolonged feeling to be the one pushing hard for it....let them go
  They don't deserve you or fit you anymore.
  

• Eilan said on Aug 03, 2008....

  I'm kinda in the opposite position at the moment.  I've been the one who hasn't been initiating contact with my RL friends.  I do think there should be give-and-take in friendships, but lately I just haven't felt like making the effort.
  

• I'mNotHungry said on Aug 03, 2008....

  Hey there mimi,

  I understand what you're saying, and I certainly cannot add anything more intelligent than what's been said above....

  I will say this: I have a few *best friends* friends who live in different parts of the US - not near me - and sometimes months will go by with no communication from either side - but I know when I need them, or when they need me, we will be there for each other. 

  I tend to become quiet with my close friends - It's strange - I reach out to them when I'm happy, and things are going well - when I'm down in the dumps, I get quiet - write a lot, but don't speak much....

  Just my thoughts.

  H.

• quietone said on Aug 03, 2008....

  I understand what you are saying meems, and here is the tip from the other side of the fence... I can admit that I am the one that waits patiently for the "friend" to call... for fear that I may be intruding in their lives by calling etc.  Do you think that maybe a friend of yours could be like this?  Do you think that maybe I should be more acertive?  It is hard to do when you aren't used to it.. that is my 2 cents from the other side of the street.. does this make me a bad friend?  Seems like I am always there when someone needs something but when they don't... then I don't exist to them.. so I stopped ~

• lionesss said on Aug 03, 2008....

  As every1 on here prob already know;s that pusscat and i are bestest mates ever, and have been for 27yrs, i also have another best friend, thats been close to me 17yrs, but what i do is ring and let her know im around and if she wants me then im there for her and we go out as we live in the same town it can be weeks before we see each other again but we txt and know that if we need to be in touch then we will, as for pusscat its very simular but we live further apart and we hardly see each other but we txt , email and i send cards and photo;s of my family to her, but we know that there is a bond that will always be there,so no dont feel guilty about wanting to be some1 friend xxxxxxxx 

• RollingC said on Aug 03, 2008....

  In some ways I feel guilty about one friend that I have and known for many years. I've lost track of him and I guess because we drifted apart a bit and I was too wrapped up in the personal ordeals that I was going through.  I have no idea where he's gone but I know that if we ever run into each other again the friendship will still be there.

• MissMimi said on Aug 04, 2008....

  e_t -- Yes, I know exactly how you feel.  I would feel terrible if it got to the point where the reaction to an e-mail from me would be, Oh no, not her again.

  queenie -- I had a friend in high school who only called me when she was dealing with some crisis in her love life.  When she met a nice guy whom she later married, she didn't need a sympathetic ear anymore, and I very rarely heard from her.  So yeah, it is hard when a friendship is unequal like that.

  pcakes -- I feel bad because I know I've done the same thing, being slow to answer e-mails and calls.  I hate it when it's done to me, so I need to be more aware of when I do it to someone else.  Not good at all.

  gingerpeach -- Thank you, I always like to hear what you have to say, and I know what you mean by "subterranean" friendships (awesome imagery).  I know people change, and I suspect that this is the case in this instance.  I blame myself for not letting it go gracefully.

  Eilan -- I understand, I think it happens to all of us.  Your friends will understand, I'm sure.  My contact with a very close friend who lives not even five miles form me has dwindled down to almost nothing.  The times we do see each other, we always say we need to see each other more often, but it doesn't happen very often. 

  I'mNot -- Nice to see you.  :)  I'm glad you have good friends like that.  When I am having trouble with depression, I have a very hard time reaching out too. 

  quilty -- I so understand not calling for fear of intruding on someone's life.  You never have to worry about that with me.  :)  Any time at all, quiltikins.  Any time at all.

  lionesss -- I'm glad you and pc have such a good close friendship.  Old friends are treasures.

  Rc -- I've also lost track of a couple friends from high school.  Changes in lifestyles and time and distance take a real toll. 

• scipio said on Aug 04, 2008....

  Good post - but better comments !
  Friendship is a personal thing. No universal laws apply to make or sustain friendship.
  Just take as it comes. If it is time to let go - let it go.
  No use  if it is one way only. If there is no response from your friends - take a hint and let the relationship fade away. In that way you keep your dignity and respect.
   

• wombat said on Aug 04, 2008....

  I'm not even used to having a lot of friends....I mostly live in my own little world, but I like to think I would be there if someone really needed me.  And vice versa.  Maybe sometimes I'm not.  But I do remember a few people that I quit calling etc..when I finally got the hint that they didn't want to bother with me.

• whiteAngel. said on Aug 04, 2008....

  I have the same problem.It's kind of insulting...But maybe we are the type of person who is capable of more compromises when they love someone(..or just naive)
  

• Me-Myself&I said on Aug 04, 2008....

  i wrote a post about not being ABLE to reach out and totally be a friend! it is not lack of love or not wanting them to bother me. it's TRUST, plain and simple. with a tad of fear.

  There are certain folks here that have tryed very hard to make sure i feel loved. and i do! i am just messed-up and it's hard,very hard to open-up. I thank them from the bottom of my heart. i wish i could give them what they give to me! ....i am getting better with this too, may i add. *smile* at least i'm trying.

  Wombat i live in my own little world too. ~see ya

• vacantmind said on Aug 04, 2008....

  I know this all to well. It leaves you feeling like somehow you are perceived as desperate. I have a friend of 20 years, I call her she doesn't call me. I have another friend for almost a year now that I seem to be the one reaching out to. Then there is my father, whom I keep up the contact with.

  I think if I am important to them, they will reach back. In a way though I have created this relationship to be what it is. They have come to expect that I will call when I want to talk.

  I have stepped back before...and they did eventually call. My father it took almost two years. It was hard to do but, important for me to know that they cared enough to keep contact.

• beyondtheveil said on Aug 04, 2008....

  mimi- I tried to keep friendships going, keeping in touch. It worked fine with some, but others not well at all. After a while I just figure 'they don't want this' and let it go. I have a couple other friends who had the same experience. 

• crybabylu said on Aug 04, 2008....

  Mimi- --If the friendship is important to you, I wouldn't give up on it.  Unless you email them and continuously don't get a response.  People get distracted by the cares of life sometimes, and don't realize they aren't keeping in touch like they should.  Then there are others who really don't understand that friendship is a two-way street.  I know that sounds unbelievable, but some people get used to being on the receiving end of a friendship, and don't realize they too have a part to play in it.

• sweetsoul said on Aug 04, 2008....

  I think sometimes friendships have people in different roles...there's not always tit for tat as to who inititates and not. Sometimes one person is the initiator. That's just how it is.
   
  Personally I know I'm terrible at initiating. It's not that I never do it, but for what ever reason, it's just not my thing.
   
  Having said that I recall, when I was married, one particular couple that were friends of ours. We always initiated an invite. We always had them over to our place versus either of their places. I started feeling bad about it. Thinking our relationship was offsided. I started saying we should stop initiating. Then I wondered why? We all enjoyed each other's company, does it really matter who calls or where we meet? In this relationship, we just happened to be the initiators. In others we weren't.
   
  I think it matters much more whether you're enjoying your time together (even if it's only exchangine emails because it's a long distance friendship) than it does who intitiates?
   
   
  If you're feeling they don't want to be friends...you've grown apart...or one of you isn't getting out of the relationship then it's time to talk to them about the relationship. But if you're both getting something out of it...happy for the contact...feel friendship...then I wouldn't care so much about who initiates. Maybe my answer is biased because I admit I don't tend to initiate a lot lately, but I think the logic is sound.
   
  As for your comment about taking a while to reply to contact (I think you mentioned emails) I think most people understand that life gets in the way of intentions sometimes and it's understandable. Personally I try to reply as soon as possible, because I've got a memory like a sieve and it keeps me from forgetting that I have an email that I haven't replied to.
   
  So my advice is to judge the friendship by how you feel about the person and what the relationship gives you, versus that you initiate in the relationship.

• pusscat said on Aug 04, 2008....

  I do know what you mean mimi.  I tend to look at it as I see it with lioness and me.  somtimes she will send me 2 or 3 txt in a day.  They often make me laugh out loud or gasp in horror at someone has done.  Rather than just txt replying I think, I'll e-mail her later about.  Then life gets in the way and that e-mail doesn't get written.  I mau recieve another txt 3 days later and again I am laughing or crying.  that night I may be having a very dark time (bipolar is a bitch :-) so once again, no e-mail.  the mere thought of lioness giving up on our friendship cos she thinks 'she might be bugging me' is horrifying to say the least!!

  She is a true friend - I am a true friend.  These kind of friends understand that sometimes the conversing is one way at times.  It doesn't mean we don't absolutely love getting that txt or e-mail.  I grin from ear to ear when I see her name on my mobile or in my Inbox.  If you feel a real friendship for a person, chances are, they feel the same.  Never let one go that you don't have to :-)

• lionesss said on Aug 04, 2008....

  me give up on you pc neerrr that wil never happen xxxx "soulmates" xxx
   

• MissMimi said on Aug 05, 2008....

  scipio -- Thanks, and I agree with you about the good comments.  Lotsa smart people here.  :)

  wombie -- I live in my own little orbit too.  I have very few friends in my real-world face-to-face life.

  whiteAngel -- I think we, or at least I, are willing to go the extra step for friendship.  Naive?  probably, in my case.  I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve.

  MeMy -- It is hard to reach out sometimes.  It puts us in a vulnerable spot.  Good for you for being brave and opening up to people!

  vacant -- I've told myself to do the same thing -- to sit back and wait and see if they contact me.  But I'm beginning to see that it's not really that big a deal.

  beyond, Dee, ss, and pc -- I will respond to your comments tomorrow, when I can do them justice.  I am falling asleep on the keyboard. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

• MissMimi said on Aug 05, 2008....

  beyond -- Sounds like this happens to a lot of people.  In a perverse way, that makes me feel better, if that makes sense.

  Dee -- I agree that sometimes life stuff gets in the way of keeping in touch with friends.  I won't give up -- I'm pretty much of a nag that way...  :)

  ss -- You make a good point about some people taking on the role of initiator for whatever reason.  I think that the response one gets makes all the difference in whether that works for the friendship or not.  I don't mind being the initiator when it seems that contact from me is welcome.  I might be misreading the situation because I freely admit that I can be overly sensitive. 

  pc -- It sounds like you and lionesss have a good strong friendship.  And, I know first hand how things like depression can interfere.  It can make it hard to keep a friendship going. 

   

• silverwhisper said on Aug 06, 2008....

  mimi, if it makes you feel neurotic, then maybe you should stop for a spell & talk with people who do reciprocate communications?
  
  but wait--you, overly sensitively? surely you jest?
  
  [ducks]
  
  ed

• 20blacknmild11 said on Aug 09, 2008....

  For a long time, that was my situation; I was always the one keeping in touch with old friends, but then I got tired of it and felt like I was being used. Eventually, those situations changed, and I stopped calling those people, then suddenly, the next time I ran into them, they were the ones coming up to me trying to make conversation. Seeing that I had moved on from their terrible, snubbing treatment, I smiled and acted politely, but that was it. The people that hated me for reasons that I may never know, acted the way that they had always acted, but I think that it was clearly evident that i had moved on from those people (fairweather friends, users, and enemies), which showed that them treating me badly was their loss. I have actually posted a blog about the true meaning of friendship, which relates to this topic. I am new to this site, so please give it a read if you can

• Alyss said on Aug 09, 2008....

  mimi, I'm someone who finds it hard to keep up with socialising as I'd much rather be hiding out in my cave. I do try to keep in touch with people but will freely admit it is a major failing of mine.

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