fri 1 aug 08

 

still the same, still the same...

 

i am still not human. in fact, i may have been demoted from worm to amoeba.

i am still homeless.

still sick, still tired, still accumulating critical volume, and all that.

still autistic. imagine that. it doesn't just go away because a whole lot of people wish it would. raging immune system doesn't just go away either.

 

and the neurotypicals won't just go away. they are still here. still ill-mannered, insensitive, shallow, controlling, never ever wrong, et cetera et cetera ad nauseam. my animals, my children, my friends are still and forever gone.

 

and i am still being repeatedly, unceasingly traumatized by secret traumatic events, absolutely without mercy from any quarter. is it really that hard to grasp why i loathe the human race? is it really?

 

carl jung said: show me a sane man and i'll cure him for you. well, i can't say i've seen anyone in a long time who's sane enough to need curing, except myself. in spite of autism and ptsd and depression and anxiety, i am the sanest person i know, the one the nt's like to call crazy.

 

hatred is a place called greenfield. hell is other people. the hollow men run everything, including me.

 

Update 4 Aug 2009: The hollowness is everywhere to me, in people. Certainly in the whole cast of characters who were responsible for taking my life from me, certainly (if Matthew's information was truth) in the characters who make up the federal cops, and to a certain degree in Matthew himself.  Everywhere I find pretension, everywhere ego, everywhere talk about god and christianity, self-involvement, superficiality. People are full of so much non-essential flotsam, and hollow of richness, depth, sincerity, and more.

       I didn't invent "the hollow men," it's T.S.Eliot's. "Hell is other people" belongs to J.P. Sartre. And the bills with their elephants comes from Lennon's and McCartney's Bungalow Bill. The bills are law enforcement to me, any law enforcement. Because I have believed the things Matthew told me (that law enforcement was involved in my life), and because I was constantly experiencing what I consider lousy treatment from them, I now have a strong animus against all