I am struggling with my suicide servival, I planned it for three weeks, I hid it well , and told no one, the notes i left i put in the post hours before I drove to my spot on the sunday, so they would be received tuesday.So theres no two ways about it,It was not a cry for help as a majority of attempted suicides are.I was ready to die.This was my chance for peace that I'd always wanted and I was ready for it.But it went wrong.The previous 3 months had been the most trying of my life and I was successful, But in order to be successful , I was lied to cheated on assaulted twice , had my personal belongings stolen money stolen, my car wrecked twice and me and business threatened everyday.The bastard even dragged inoccent people into his one man battle ,thats just sick.
im am fully aware of the details of my breakdown, and despite my efforts justice was not served and i know that the way i responded to the threat was correct, but the person new I would respond in that way and would eventually lead to me having a break down.
He effectively used my own strength against me, he took me to my limit knowing i would not stoop to his level.So ive found that my strength was my weekness.But that does'nt make sense,its wrong.He cheated me and the moral fibre which I stand for.
I think in order to find closure, I would have to defy the logic that drives me.So in order for me to stay as stable as I am I have to struggle with this concept like a dormant volcano.I dont like that one bit!!
I cant imagine a way of letting go of the anger and vengeful thoughts I get,.I block out the period when all this happened but its there in my memory waiting for me to kick ass.I know what happened but i wont let myself hate him. .Because then he gets what he originally wanted.Im not that type of person , im not violent and im not unforgiving, i wont let him make me any other way.I cant let him change me.And I wont give him the satisfaction.Im still defending myself against his immoral and irrational way of thinking and the effects it had on my logical moral and fair character.
Ive been trying to attack this by avoiding thinking of recent events,that only fuels my frustration and anger. Instead ive been re asserting my foundations.my child hood.To remind me of who I am , and what makes me who I am.And to somehow set that in concrete, only then i think can I open the box and make some sence of all this.Do I need to change, I ask , but then I answer no , I am a good person and I did'nt deserve what happened.Then what must I do,attack him?,take from him what he took from me?surely I wont be punished?.Im praying for an epiphany.
An eye for an eye?
its just not constructive!.I keep wishing I had been at fault, so I could at least blame myself.That would be easy, im not a stubborn proud person I would embrace fault with open arms, that would make me a stronger person and set me free.
what could I have done differently?
i could have lowered my self to his level , but that would make things worse.
I could have walked away?
No never , I stand up for what I believe in and the chain of events were evidence enough to show that it was a just cause.
Why am I still here?
They say walk away to live to fight another day.But I never walked I stayed and sank,And here I am in limbo.maybe thats just it.
Given what happened , I attempted and nearly succeded in suicide and I planned it so well, three weeks it took, and nobody knew.The three most peaceful weeks of my life.
I should have died?, justice would have shown its face from my death, and those who'd wronged me would have then learnt their lesson.Everyone has a concience , that cant be denied.And it eventually eats away at us.
Am I stuck in a rut?has there been some kind of cock up with fate because thats how it feels.Do I need to accept that the old mike died that night and in order to move on erase it from my past?I see no other logical way forward, but thats just bizarre and beyond conception.Its crazy talk.And I'm not crazy , im confused.which leads me back to square one.
I hope I make sense of this soon because for the first time in my life , I dont know who I am, and I'm scared.I've made a promise to my mum that I would fix myself, because she does'nt know how ,and I dont expect her to either,so I will keep that promise.And i'll find the answers I need.The first thing I said to my mother when I woke up in the hospital , was why am I still here and two months later ive discovered I still dont know why.
I thought I was making progress but its a viscious circle.
I am glad I did'nt succeed in my suicide because it was a break down which orchestrated it, but I how am I supposed to live when I cant bring closure this whole thing?
