I am weak and shaking tonight.  I opened the door and let ED back in….. I am so weak and confused….I told a friend of mine earlier this week that I haven’t eaten this week.  I am starving myself to feel safe.  And somehow, in my messed up mind, being too thin, disappearing, is the only way to be safe. 

I learned long ago that saying no is really not an option – so I learned to be passive – give myself up to the needs and desires of others.  And since my voice is so hushed – the only way for me to protect myself is to become so thin that no one will want me.  And so I have been starving myself.  And I am unable to eat without guilt.

I can’t answer the question how it’s come to this…. I have tried to follow the meal plan that my nutritionist gave me – and I have gained weight in this past month…but something triggered me on Monday and I have been over-exercising and not eating since then. 

I wish I was someone else tonight – someone who is strong and assertive wit ha strong mind and an even stronger voice…  I want to disappear.  I have tried to keep myself safe, but it hasn’t worked.  So, I have decided that if no one wants me, no one can use me, or abuse me.  I won’t be hurt if I am so repulsive no man will want to have sex with me.

I am weak – I hate to admit that, but it’s true………………………