Over the past week I have had moments where I have felt that I would surely break off my relationship before the day was over.  Not because of any argument or difference, but just because...well, it would be the right thing to do.  And there is no one else--not outside of my daydreams, anyway.  It has been so long since I have been in love, that I get so wrapped up in my little dream world, and then reality feels like a ton of bricks; when I come back to earth, I remember what kind of a marriage I've got and I literally panic.  And yet, I am afraid to write any of this down in my diary, because what if he should read it, and leave me?  I feel like I have been stalling like this for years--perhaps since before I was married.  But now I'm six months pregnant--and rather than making me want to secure my relationship, it makes me see things as they really are (odd contrast between that ultra-stark reality and my silly daydreams).  

 

The pregnancy was a freak accident, too--I mean, to start, we had been living hours away from each other during the school year, but I felt a bit obligated on his birthday when he came to see me...my insurance had lapsed between jobs, and when I went to a clinic to refill my birth control, they said they couldn't help me because I have a circulatory condition (they could tell from my odd prescription that something was unusual).  When I did start working at my temporary job last year, I was also revising my PhD disseration, and life was so crazy, I put off going back to the doctor...

 

But hey, I keep telling myself, it isn't as if I am young and hapless--I am highly educated, I have recently landed a good job (a permanent one, this time), and if I were a year older, my pregnancy would actually be considered "high risk."  My mom, who is never an advocate of my marriage, thinks that this baby might be the bright-shining-light reason that the relationship ever happened to begin. 

 

My relationship with my husband started as such a rebound thing.  I had moved overseas for one man, who I loved desperately, and when I (!) broke that off, I was a miserable mess.  I was never very good at "dating."  I met a few guys who were kind of losers, and then my husband--I was attracted to him initially because he looked a little like the guy I had recently broken up with.  But I don't know how to do anything by half--I only really know how to have a serious relationship, it has always been the way with me. 

 

And I was a bitter woman, and angry.  After a while, the whole thing became kind of a protest...that must sound so crazy.  But he helped me to feel that way, because he is such a hard person, who believes that everyone on earth is out for themselves, you can't trust anyone, etc.  That suited my mood for a while.  And neither was he trustworthy--I told myself that was a good thing, because for once, I would never let my guard down.  I mean, he got better--I'd feel guilty if I didn't say that.  My wedding--it was kind of a lark;  I kind of made a point of not taking it very seriously.  I bought my dress off ebay, and we had a "reception" at a Chinese restaurant.  They had karaoke, and my husband sang a bunch of songs that had lewd, "alternate" lyrics, until he actually got thrown off.  I was so deeply embarassed, but I was used to it by then.  I can't believe that was over three years ago now.

 

I was honest with him the other night, for once.  I was so scared, but he asked me a question and I told him the answer, quite frankly.  I don't know why I was so scared, but it is the same reason I am afraid to write in my diary.  I told him that I wanted a husband, not a clown.  I said that if he was just my friend, I would probably be OK with all of his antics and the way he behaves.  He isn't a bad guy, just a bit of a loon, you know?  I told him that I did like him as a friend, and that it was probably good that we were friends--maybe better than if we were actually romantically suited and NOT friends.  I can't believe I said that.  I mean, maybe there is some wisdom in it.  The strange thing is I was actually trying to sugar-coat my meaning.  I would far rather be with someone that I loved.  In my mind, for years--I've always thought that this couldn't be permanent.  But now there is a baby coming!  And my age is part of what frightens me (though I'm sure if I were 18, I would be far worse off): by the time the baby is 10, I'll be in my mid-40s.  I really don't think I can stay in this relationship for another ten years (I have no idea why the figure of ten years sticks with me). 

 

And yet here we are...I'm moving out to my permanent job soon.  He's staying behind again for a few months for work, but for all intents and purposes, this will be it.  And I/we are moving somewhere totally isolated, the middle of nowhere.  How would I ever meet anyone else?  Could I ever be strong enough to leave if I did not already HAVE someone else?  Does this make me a bad person, or just extraordinarily weak?  And I'm scared that I will be living on my own again, so heavily pregnant now. 

 

A few weeks ago, my husband got very drunk and picked a fight with my brother-in-law at a game of cards with extended family.  I felt so humiliated, and because I "did not stick up for him," he said that he was leaving me, and going back overseas asap.  I didn't get upset, but of course I felt very stressed, and when he was very apologetic in the morning, I didn't, like, not "take him back" or anything.  Despite that I was screaming at myself inside my head for not taking my chance.

 

But school is about to start up again, and I've got a new job, and though this year I will not also be writing my dissertation (which made last fall a semester of 20-hour workdays), I am sure that I will be overwhelmed and crazy, and my personal life will cease to be at the front of my thoughts.  I will forget again who I really am.  And then there will be the baby, at the end of the semester.