• Fallyn said on Jul 27, 2008....

  it's not your responsibility to protect his emotions. this is the hardest thing EVER for me to learn....for anyone to learn.
  it's not your responsibility.
  it was a mistake......that was all......giving into him again on this....letting him ruin his life when you don't even love him would be FAR FAR from making him happy.
  he would come to the realization at some point down the road that you can NEVER love him.
  and then where would he be?
  keep reminding yourself you are doing this partly for him too...you ARE doing the right thing....even if you made a mistake before this IS the right thing to do for your sanity and his.
  

• Mamie said on Jul 27, 2008....

  I agree with Fallyn....keep avoiding him other than work related, it is best for you both. You don't love him, so why bother? and it IS working...it is just not the answer he wants...if he loves you so much, how come he is not respecting your stance? He just wants what he wants....I think he is using you to make himself feel better about himself (cringe. I am sorry if that stung, I know he is one of your best friends)...

  Yes I can tell you that I am happy, so it is an option in this life...not everyone just gets by or just makes it.... But I will admit, it is not all that easy...but very much worth it. love you girlie! M

• vacantmind said on Jul 27, 2008....

  I agree this isn't your responsibility. He is a big boy and knew what he was getting into. He couldn't have possibly thought anything long-term could come from it. Don't carry the blame for this. You are only responsible for what you did and how it affects your lfie.

• nytquill17 said on Jul 27, 2008....

  Hey, hon.  The others are all resoundingly right.  It's not your responsibility, and it's not your fault, either.
  
  Now, in saying that, I'm not saying you're not responsible for your own choices.  I'm just saying that the choices you made are not responsible for HIS problems.  Whatever issues he had, he had them BEFORE this started and they were not caused by you.  He just may not be seeing it that way now because it's easier for him not to and he doesn't want to do the hard stuff.  Yet, anyway.
  
  He's acting a bit childish right now, which isn't a great surprise and not totally unhealthy, so long as he gets past this stage.  But anyway, if he's acting like a child it may help to think of him like one.
  
  Giving him what he wants, putting him before you again, actually will NOT make him happy.  It will just delay the inevitable a little longer.  He's an unhappy, wounded person and you are his band-aid.  A band-aid doesn't heal the wound; healing comes from inside.
  
  So think, for example, when your daughter asks for an extra dessert (I don't know if she does but you'll get the idea).  The dessert will make her happy right now, and that's all she cares about.  She's not wise enough yet to understand that it's not good for her and will only make her unhappy later on (tummyaches, unhealthy eating habits, etc.).  You're the one who is wise enough to see that, so it's up to you to tell her she can't have what she wants.  You can try to explain, and maybe she'll understand.  But if she doesn't, you still have to tell her "no" and it may hurt a bit to see her upset, but in your heart you know you did the right thing for her and when she's developped a bit more she'll understand.
  
  II'm sure you can figure out the analogy for yourself so I won't take up more space lining it all out.  I'll just wrap up with my point: in a way, by telling him no, you actually ARE taking care of him and making him happy.  You ARE putting him before you - you are willing to take whatever unpleasantness he might throw at you in the present, and only because you know he will be better off in the future.
  

• Mamie said on Jul 28, 2008....

  H and nyt: have I told you lately that I love you?
  fallyn and vacant: have I told you lately that I love you?
  You are so smart!! I get this and so agree....it reminds me of when H. said about wanting the lollipop after it had fallen into the sand box and she wanted it coz she wanted it, not taking into account that the darn thing was covered with muck....I learn so much everyday reading you guys...thanks for teaching me. xo, mamie

• silverwhisper said on Jul 29, 2008....

  what everyone else said, INH.
  
  [hug]
  
  ed

• wishyouwerehere said on Jul 31, 2008....

  Hi INH -
   
  I loved Fallyn's explanation - this has been a tremendously difficult lesson for me, and I am still working on it to some extent, but you are not responsible for his feelings.  We are all responsible for our own - and yes, yes, a resounding yes - it is entirely possible to be very happy.
   
  For me, the happiness came after I learned to stop chasing that next thing and start focusing on what I already have, inside me.  You have this same inherent value.  Never question what you have to offer.  Instead, insure that it will be properly respected and appreciated by the person you decide to share this with - not someone who is hell bent on exploiting your vulnerability.  I made that same mistake for a very, very long time and hope with all my might that you may avoid it.
   
  After reading this, I was very taken by your determination and ability to send a clear message and assert yourself.  I also hope you will take proper credit for the strength and courage it takes to do that.  His response does not change any of that.  Instead, it is a reflection of his weakness, not yours.  Don't buy it.
   
  Best of luck with this - Wish

• cuppajava said on Aug 01, 2008....

  Hi - As everyone has already said.I have to agree with Fallyn on this one.You have done NOTHING to hate yourself for.He is the one with a family,and commitments.Why should YOU put yourself through the hurt of dealing with HIS baggage?
  Its HIS problem and not yours.Yes,you might say he loves you - but what of his family?He is the one being selfish and NOT you 

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