.......so there i stood.
In my jeans,casual short sleeved shirt - in the rain,soaking wet......the four walls that was my life had just imploded in the space of about 8 seconds.
The paramedic looked at me - again he asked me 'who are you?'
I just stared.I couldn't think,I couldn't speak,I wanted to yell at him - so badly.But say what?
the paramedic was staring at me,and looking like he was getting a bit frustrated at having to stand in the rain.
I just looked at him.
'i am the husband' i said.
The look on the medic's face turned from one of aggression,to one of confusion - not knowing what to say.Both of at this stage,standing in the pouring rain,next to what was left of our car.
I felt so empty.It felt like my life had just been wrenched away from me - we had spent so many years together up to that point - happy years.We had cultivated such a loving and caring relationship that was built entirely on trust and honesty.
Now it was gone
All gone.
I asked the medic where she was being taken,and he told me it was the local mortuary in the area.I knew where the place was,having attended funerals in this area before.
I walked through the crowd of people that were still there,back to my car - old people,young people,couples....
I got to the mortuary and informed them who i was ,and that i wanted to see the body.At first they told me that I was not allowed to,as they were still processing the body - processing the body ?? That was my wife - that was my life.
Realising that I was about to get aggressive with him.He let me through.I wasnt prepared for what he told me.he said to me that he wanted to warn me about her injuries first.Both legs were broken,broken pelvis,neck and a fractured skull.They 'think' that she died from the neck injury - but were not sure.
I entered the room where her body was kept.
They had already started to remove her clothing at this point.
At first,I looked away - then I realised that I couldnt do that.I wanted to run,run away - as fast and as far as I could - but I couldnt.
I stood there for what must have been an eternity - but in reality was about 5 minutes.
I was given time alone.
All the memories of all the things that we had ever done came flooding back all at once.There were so many things that I wanted to tell her,how much i loved her,and how much I cared - it reminded me that the last words I said to her this morning before i left were ' i love you ' I t was almost a routine that we had when we parted for the day.If we ever had a disagreement about anything during the day - it was sorted out the same day - we would never go to bed angry with each other,never.
I looked at her face,I touched her cheek - cold.
I held her hand - cold.
Over the next 48 hours,the body was taken to the undertaker,the body was washed by female members of the family and dressed in her wedding sari....
I had been able to make arrangement with the crematorium for the funeral to be done the following day.The body had been brought to my mother in laws house to lie,for the better part of a few hours before the cremation - so people can pay their respects.
I hadn't slept,I couldn't sleep - I was afraid to sleep.I hadn't been able to feel anything for the last 24 hours - except anger - rage.
Apparently,the accident was caused by a 19 year old Indian male,who had gotten drunk,had a fight with his girlfriend - and gone on a wild ride through the area.
He was in the car behind our car.Couldn't stop at the red traffic light - went in to a skid and slammed into the back of our car causing to to roll - it was then hit by a further two vehicles.
The driver of the first car was 2 and a half times over the legal limit and unlicensed.
His punishment all in all?
A five thousand rand fine,and no jail time - not even suspended jail time
There is a little more to tell to this story - but i am not in the right frame of mind to tell it now.
Maybe later - maybe not all
Not only was I living with the thought of being so fucking stubborn about work and hating my job after that,I had to live with my father in law blaming me and my stubbornness,for her death - but that was something that lived with constantly,til the day he died
I should be over this by now - but i dont think i am.But I know that I should be.I didn't seek any counseling afterwards,maybe I should have - maybe it may have made a difference.
I guess i will never know.
cuppajava posted on Jul 27, 2008
| views: 187
Comments
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pusscat said on Jul 27, 2008....
There isn't much besides time that can ever heal a heart that has been ripped apart in such a barbaric manner.
There is only one person's opinion that counts as far as blame is concerned. That person is Jo. She would never and I doubt will ever blame you for a man that decided to play Russian roulette on the roads of Durban.
There is no reason either why you should "be over this by now". 3 years is a mear blink compared to the lifetime you thought you were going to have with Jo. Many people still have angry thoughts 3 or 4 years on about a house buy that falls through or a holiday that goes wrong. I think your loss is slightly higher up on the scales than those things don't you my friend?
It is also never too late to have counselling. Maybe this is something you could give serious consideration to?. . .
I am glad Jo's family were close by at this time too to enable her to be treated in the traditional way before her cremation within the time of their belief.
Take care
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wishyouwerehere said on Jul 27, 2008....
CJ - Again, words fail. There is so much devastation here, and yet, hearing the story after I have read some of your other blogs and responses, I am far more amazed at your resilience.You say you should be over it by now. I don't know how that would be possible. There is no over - only through. This is something very difficult to deal with, and yes, counseling would probably help. No one should bear a burden this large without some assistance.It has been almost three years since my divorce, and I am not "over it" by far. The divorce broke my heart more than I can possibly describe, but left both of us alive AND it was a deliberate decision. Your loss was far more traumatic and unexpected. Please honor yourself with the time and space to begin to integrate it. Every moment is a new chance to move forward, with your wife still in your heart and in your memories.Love, Wish -
polarheart said on Jul 27, 2008....
Cuppa, I am just marking this to come back and read.Love Polar -
woman said on Jul 27, 2008....
I am so sorry that you had to experience a tragedy like this. Please do find a professional to help you with this burden. -
Fallyn said on Jul 27, 2008....
i'm so so sorry for your loss, i saw the pictures of your beautiful wife. i can't imagine the difficulty and hurt of going through this. -
yakacha said on Jul 27, 2008....
Nice stuff +100
for sweet sms n jokes see my blog http://sweetsmsjokes.blogspot.com -
Mamie said on Jul 27, 2008....
this is devastating..I am praying for you today....keep writing. mamie -
secretlife said on Jul 27, 2008....
cuppa: these are the memories you need to get out of inside you---these horrors that prevent you from remembering the really really good things about her....i think writing them is helpful, but i also think telling a professional will help you more. also, there are grief groups that are made up of other young people who've lost their spouses in accidents too....i'm so sorry you have had to live this nightmare. -
Lucytorial said on Jul 27, 2008....
CJ ~ To move into a phase in life where you can begin to see the joy again, from the past and yoru future you need to go through this, like an idea what is inside needs to come out so you can feel it, roll it in your hands, taste it and then decide to let go what you want to, hold on to what you need to and then take that first step into life gain.I'm here, always here if you need to say more, need a shoulder or a friendly kick up the backside... with much love CJ...TL -
RollingC said on Jul 28, 2008....
I am so sorry....only now did I realize what had transpired and commented on the other post without knowledge of this.Please accept my sincere condolences.Rc -
cuppajava said on Jul 29, 2008....
Thank you to everyone who cam and read and made a comment on this post.If I had to thank all of you individually,I think I would run out of space on this page.
I value your comments,and the knowledge that you are there to read - very dearly.I know that I am not the only one who has gone through,such a traumatic experience,and I know that mine is probably pale in comparison to others.But i just felt that I needed to tell the tale,as it needed to be told.
Maybe now I can carry on with the rest of my life knowing that I have a place to come and be understood by other people,caring people,when I need it.That place is right HERE
Thank you
CJ
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