I had to come into the office today...Sunday. I love it though...it is totally silent...not a sound. God its wonderful...
No...Mommy, please wipe my bum...I'm thirsty/hungry/tired/want to watch "Finding Nemo"...for the 47th time!!! No...babes, I'm snacky/horny/bored/my feet are sore from golf.
No whining and whinging...no demands...nothing but pure heavenly silence. Just my thoughts and nothing else...this is bliss. I think I might have to come into the office next Sunday too...perhaps the next and the next and the next....
Therapy tomorrow again...what will it bring? Will we futher discuss the email I sent on the relationship with my parents and my childhood? I don't want to but I want to...if that makes sense? It scares the crap out of me...I have thought about it how uncomfortable discussing the gory details of my life is for me. I have a theory...I can't handle feeling out of control of the situation...I know that if he wants to discuss the dirty laundry...my biggest fear is that I am not able to control how I will react to the questions or the discussion.
If I actually cry infront of my therapist...I will never forgive myself. Never, Never, Never...I don't think I would ever be able to see him again after that.
I wonder how he would react...perhaps he will tell me how ugly I am when I cry...and then my mother would be right. Perhaps he will laugh at me and tell me to cry harder and louder...as she would have done...perhaps he will become so angry and scream at me to shut up or he won't say anything...but will get up come across the room and slap me across the face and I won't even see it coming.
Crazy stuff...of course he won't do any of this...logically I know this. But it still scares me and keeps me from letting him in.
