I am 30 years old and I was made a widow on July 1st.  I lost my husband, my best friend, a father, son, and brother.  He was all of these things, but most importantly, he was all I had other than my children.  My husband was my provider, my protector, my confidant.  It is so hard going through this, and I am writing this blog to channel my grief and hopefully give myself some understanding.  At 34, he had made plans that never had a chance to come to pass.  It is true that you are never prepared for the death of a loved one.  I have learned that firsthand.

Everyday I have questioned my faith.  I have asked God so many questions, but I have not received any answers.  My marriage was perfect.  My life at home with the family was excellent.  All that I have known for the past few years has been turned upside down.  I battle everyday to make it through- to accept condolences without breaking down again, to go to work and try not to think of him, to come home and see his car in the driveway and know he is not inside.  I have not slept in our bedroom since July 3rd.  The first few nights I laid in the bed and cried, holding his pillow and smelling his scent in the sheets.  Now the room is a shell and I cry looking at the doorway.  I have ransacked his clothing, smelling and embracing everything, almost to an obsession.  I miss his presence, his smile, his laugh, his touch...so many things remind me of him.  Everyday a lost memory comes to me- from driving down the road to the house remembering the excitement I would feel knowing he was at home waiting for me on his days off, to unloading groceries and remembering him running out of the house to make sure I didn't bring them in.  He would bring the groceries in and I would put them up.  That was our unspoken agreement. 

The children cry when I cry, so I try my best to hold it in until they are sleeping.  It doesn't always work that way, and I find myself comforting one of the little ones to sleep and forgetting my own grief in the process.  Once they are settled, it's back to the saddness and lonliness.

Family and friends disappeared after the funeral.  They say you know who you true friends are in times of need.  The same friends that shared meals with us or dropped their children off for playdates have all vanished.  Only one has continued to stand by my side and I feel like I am taking her away from her own family obligations.  She wants to be here comforting me, and I feel guilty to keep her from her own children and family.  It is hard to tell her to give me some space, and to go be with her family.  She cries when I cry and I hate making her feel this way.  My husband disliked her very much and I wonder if he would approve.  Either way her comfort is all that I have and I appreciate that.

I miss him so much.  Sometimes I just want to be with him, holding him so he can tell me everything is going to be alright.  My husband was good at that.  He was my strength all the time and I am trying to be strong because I know he would want me to be.  It is so hard and I wish he would give me a sign or something to let me know he is with me...