I mentioned in one of my silly posts yesterday that I'm terrible being alone. I know some people crave solitude. And there are others who can take it or leave it. They like being with people, but are fine to be on their own too. But I'm really not one of those people at all.
I don't know why I'm like that though. I don't know what's so scary or horrible about being alone. Especially if it's just for a few hours here and there. It doesn't make any logical sense. I'm not afraid to be physically alone. I don't sit in my house with a fireplace poker waiting for a home invasion. It's not like that at all. The fear is something within me.
I'm afraid to be alone with my mind. Probably because that usually never leads me to good places. I'm very self destructive. It's a compulsion. I'm like the little kid you can't leave alone for 5 minutes, because he'll ultimately try and jump down the stairs to see if he can fly.
I'm a grown man though. I shouldn't be compelled to see if I can fly, just because no one is around to stop me. But I guess my brain development got stunted somewhere along the way. I'm too impulsive and end up doing stupid things, when someone else isn't around to stop me. It's sad and embarrassing.
I have this little group of people that have taken on the task of watching over me. I appreciate it a lot. Because without them, I'm not sure where I'd be right now. One of them is Nat. No one else has ever been there for me the way she is. And she doesn't seem to mind taking care of me when I need extra attention and support. Which at times, is an awful lot.
Sometimes I can't believe she married me at all, considering the problems I brought with me. But she loves me anyway. And that's an amazingly wonderful thing.
And then there is my brother. He's always looked after me my entire life. Sometimes it would annoy me, but mostly I was just grateful. My annoyance usually stemmed from me being mad at myself that he had to do this at all. But without his constant hovering over me, I already know I wouldn't be here right now.
Then I have these two wonderful friends who care about me more than I feel I deserve most of the time. They're friends I never would have met had I not come here to SC. They both have listened to me endlessly when I can't seem to stop talking. And when things are bad, I can always count on them to be there to help me back up again.
And it's amazing to me that there are people so willing to be my support system, when two of them haven't even met me yet. But it doesn't seem to matter. These friendships I've made are probably the most important ones I've ever made in my life. And I guess I just really want to thank all these people for being there for me.
Sometimes I feel like such a burden on them. They've got their own lives and struggles, and I feel selfish for constantly bringing them my own bullshit and expecting them to listen to it. But I try real hard to be there for them too. If they need me, I will drop everything and be there.
Recently everyone in my little circle went through some difficult times. It was my turn to listen and support. I hope I did a good enough job. I wanted to help them the way they've all helped me. I fear sometimes I fall short of the mark. But they all got themselves back up again. The crisis passed. And I don't know if I helped or not. I certainly tried.
But I guess this post is about gratitude. And in some ways, everyone here at this site has helped me at one time or another. Like yesterday when all of my people were gone and occupied elsewhere, I was desperate for someone to lift me up. And there you guys were.
A few simple words was all it took for me to not feel like I was completely alone in this world or with my crazy thoughts. And those simple words have more of an impact than anyone probably realizes.
So thank you. To everyone. And especially to my four angels.
evil_twin posted on Jul 26, 2008
| views: 225
Comments
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Mamie said on Jul 26, 2008....
you are such a great guy...and in my business, remember, I am sort of an expert at great-guy-ness! I think it is cool that you remember to stop and be grateful...for all the components in our lives...I join you in thanking my angels too...gratitude is often a remedy for what ails me and a catalyst for positive change! Have a wonderful, easy, breezy summer day! best, mamie -
PAPERBACKWRITER said on Jul 26, 2008....
I say amen to what Mamie said, Kyle...
I have not commented much or at all to your posts but I have always been a silent follower.
I am so happy that you are doing well.
And, I have said it before, I will never forget you and Natty because you have helped me at a crucial point in my life. I still turn to the words you have written here in SC under your other username.
You give me hope.
Regards,
joanna
p.s.
you are an admirable, loyal friend... from what i have observed from afar ... inspiring
i wish, i can be a better friend ... i am still working on it... babysteps
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Mr_Box said on Jul 26, 2008....
No thanks necessary, but it's nice to read this. You're not a burden on anyone. And believe me, you do help people when they need it. You've proved that to me recently when I needed an ear.You have people who really care and I'm glad you can see that. Because even if I can't speak for everyone else, I know I'll always be here. I'm sure they will be too. -
CreativeWoman said on Jul 26, 2008....
I think it's very nice that you've written this post to your friends and loved ones. It sounds like you return the blessings they give to you. That is special in itself.
CW
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queenparanoia said on Jul 26, 2008....
that's nice of you kyle... you know kyle youre a nice guy so dont please bring yourself down okay... but i'm glad your appreciate the people around you... ;-) -
dailyachesandpains said on Jul 26, 2008....
My GOD! I totally get what you're saying!I still can't believe Mr. Daily married me! Of all the most mentally messed up chicks in the world, he picked me...the worst at the bottom of the bucket. I really don't know how he lives with me and takes care of me like he does.You've helped me in trying to figure out SO much, even though you may not know it. I may read and not comment becaue I like to keep it in thought. But, you have also helped me understand that I am SO not the only one and it sucks feeling like I am...even though I also wish I were so nobody else had to feel the pain of anxiety.You're a super duper helper, Kyle. You may not think or know you are, but you are! Today's gold star winner!{{{HUGS}}}Daily -
MissMimi said on Jul 26, 2008....
It amazes me that you're amazed that you have good friends and loved ones who want to be your support system. Of course they want to. You're a good person, Kyle. Having said that, I do understand that feeling very well.
But, listen, if I see you with a blanket pinned to your shoulders, climbing a ladder to the roof to see if you can fly, well, I'm gonna be just a little ticked off. {{{e_t}}} (I hope you do know that I'm just teasing you a little.)
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skald said on Jul 27, 2008....
Your a good guy and you got good people around you. there are some people in my family like that for example my mother and her brother, they have always had people around them and they are loved, they loved too, they just could not be without people. Even though my mum is sick it has nothing to do with it. It is her personality.
You will never be a burden to your love ones. You are their joy.
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RollingC said on Jul 27, 2008....
I second (or third) what Mamie and others said up above.
I think it shows the quality of person that you are in writing this post and it reflects on the small community that thrives here.
:^)
Rc
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evil_twin said on Jul 27, 2008....
Mamie--Thank you :-) I really appreciate everything you said. I do think it's important to sometimes stop and be grateful for the people I have in my life. Because I never want anyone to feel like I take them for granted. And you know, you've been a great support to me in the past too. So thank you.
Paper--I've been missing you :-) I know how it feels though to want to hang back and not say anything. I just went through a spell like that where I was pretty silent here. Sometimes finding words is difficult. But since I was feeling clear headed at the moment, I wanted to use that opportunity to thank everyone. I'm so glad that I've helped you in the past. And thank you for what you said and for finding the strength to say it :-)
Mr. Box--I'm glad you read this because I really wanted you to know how I felt. I know I'm a handful and a total pain in the ass sometimes. But your help is always appreciated and I know I'd be lost without you. So thank you.
CW--Thank you :-) I just felt it was appropriate to take a moment to give thanks. I'm really lucky to have the people I have in my life.
queen--Thanks :-) I try not to be too hard on myself, but you know how that goes. It's easy to beat yourself up sometimes. But I am thankful for the friends I have.
Daily--I'm so glad I've been able to help you and make you not feel so alone. Because you're definitely NOT alone. We share a lot of the same anxieties and even if it does suck that anyone else has to know what that's like, it is comforting to realize we're not alone. I think we both got super lucky finding people who are patient and loving and willing to put up with our more interesting traits :-P Thank you for everything you said.
Mimi--Thank you :-) I promise not to try and fly off the roof with a blanket tied around my shoulders either. Although I did do something like that when I was a kid....bad results! It does still surprise me that people are willing to be there for me, but I am very grateful.
skald--Thank you :-) I think I need to really remember the last thing you said. That I am their joy and not their burden. That needs to be hammered into my brain so I never forget that.
RollingC--Thank you :-) I really feel like this place is special because I've met so many wonderful people here. And I really wanted to take a moment to let them know how much they mean to me.
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tbs230 said on Jul 27, 2008....
I read somewhere that, "the will to fly is in the nature of the soul." Even when we feel the need to self destruct, a part of us, our souls, are really just trying to find a way to express itself, a way to ask for help. Because the act of harming oneself is never rooted in the need for pain, but for help.
You are extremely lucky that there are people in your life who recognize your self destructive moments for what they truly are. And its only naturally that these same people would have times when they too need someone to help them. How else would they know how to help you?
And so I want to say thank you to you as well. There have been times when I too have come onto SC looking for someone, anyone, to talk to, so I wouldn't be alone. And you've been there, making me laugh, or cry, or rage in sympathy. You've been there, making me feel, when otherwise, I would have been numb. So thank you for that Kyle.
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evil_twin said on Jul 28, 2008....
tbs--Thank you :-) I'm really glad that I've managed to make you laugh and sympathize and not feel so alone sometimes. I still remember a long time ago last year I was sick and bored and lonely, and I posted something here. And I think you and I were the only ones here that day! It did feel nice to have someone to talk to that day, and I never forgot it :-) -
tizzygirl said on Jul 29, 2008....
I think this was an incredibly sweet post and very heart warming :) And I hope you know that everyone appreciates you just as much because you are amazing at helping and listening and just being there. There is no doubt in my mind that you give back 110% to people you care about. I'm positive that you are someone's, perhaps more than just one someone's, angel too :) -
silverwhisper said on Jul 29, 2008....
kyle, you're not a burden: you give so much of yourself, all the time, that what you get back is simple karma at work, dude. promise. :>
ed -
evil_twin said on Jul 31, 2008....
tizzy--Thank you so much :-) I sure hope I'm an angel to those people too. I'm glad you think I'm amazing at helping and listening and being there. I certainly do try.
silver--Thank you :-) I try not to be a burden and make sure I give back to everyone who helps me.
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