• MsStar39 said on Jul 26, 2008....

  You are still young and your life is not over, continue to work at this job and pursue your music in your spare time, nothing comes easy.
  No matter how hard it is stay away from your friends girl, that you will never forgive your self for. Good luck, saying some prayers for you.
  

• wishyouwerehere said on Jul 26, 2008....

  Hey Lost - I read this and I see the enormous potential that exists in your life, mostly because you have the courage to face where you are and acknowledge what you hope for instead.  Dream big, and make plans that match.  Don't limit yourself with past regrets.  Every single day is new, and at 22, you should have many, many new days ahead of you.
   
  I'm nearly twice your age, kid, and it took me a LONG time to admit that I wasn't where I wanted to be - it's only too late if you let that thought stop you from becoming what you wish.
   
  As for the girl - it hurts more to know someone is with you even though they are in love with someone else.  Neither one of you are doing your friend any favors, if this is the case, and you are both suffering as well.  I admire your restraint in not pursuing anything with her, but it sounds like it is a mutual draw, and if she is no longer in love with her boyfriend, she needs to let him know.  I agree with Star that you will always have regrets if you do something like this behind your friend's back.  My cheater apologizes about once a month, and it's been 5 years.  I only wish he had told me before he strayed.
   
  Best of luck to you - I think you aren't really lost, just need to find a new path based on your own inner wisdom - Wish

• travelr712 said on Jul 26, 2008....

  where did you go wrong? well, believing that there was happiness in the big city that you could pursue for one thing. not to be harsh or anything, but yours is an all too common story my friend. when we are teenagers living under our parent's authority, we believe that we are invincible and can do anything, and the stories of rock stars and actresses seem attainable, all we have to do is show up. but in our 20's, we begin to see the harsh realities of life without someone else paying the bills and making the big decisions for us, the way our parents used to do. we're responsible now for our own lives, and never even really understood the concept of what that actually meant before. now you're learning that lesson.

   

  there's nothing wrong with you. nobody knows what it's like until they get there. just like marriage or having children. you can't possibly understand it, and no one can tell you how to understand it. you can't read about it and 'get it'. you just don't grow in that area until you actually experience it in your daily life. and now you are. and you're facing the same questions, problems, disappointments and awakenings that most every other person your age faces in our country, and even in other countries. if you read other people's blogs here such as queenparanoia, you'll see she has the same questions and comments, challenges and struggles that you do, and she lives in the philippeans. it's your stage of life lost, and nothing more earth shattering than that. and if you 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps', and make a couple of commitments to the direction of your life and stick by them for a couple years, you'll find on that path that in a few months the depression is gone and you will feel like you have a purpose and a focus in your life. but until you make those decisions that nobody else can make for you and then start pursuing them with all your talents, you'll continue to be lost and depressed, and can waste a decade or more of your life bouncing around with nothing to show for it.

   

  you see, it's not so much about what you choose, it's about making a choice in the first place. learning how to make a choice and then putting everything you have into making that choice become a reality. even if you fail, it will teach you that you have the ability to make choices and commit yourself to them, and that's one of the most important lesson a human can learn imo.

   

  as to the girl, she is only that appealing to you because you can't have her, and same for her attraction to you. yes, you have powerful feelings for each other right now, because it's forbidden, making it extremely romantic and exciting. but if you were actually together without your friend in the picture, you'd find that the relationship with her wasn't that much different from any relationship you've ever had. and in this case, it would be anti-climactic, because it's the forbidden aspect coupled with the necessary proximity that is fueling your mutual passion.

   

  so here's a suggestion. take your musical talent and write a few songs about the passion and anger and sorrow you feel because of this forbidden love. look in your city's 'music scene' paper and hook up with some musicians. shop your songs around, maybe let a couple other musicians work on them with you. if they have input, they'll deffinately be more receptive to helping you get them played. now, i know this is a bit ambiguous, and that it's allot of work and effort. but it's exactly the type of thing i'm talking about. put your whole self into pursuing that goal. if you succeed, it's only cost you your time and effort, which you have in abundance right now, and you've got a whole different life staring you in the face. if you fail, it's still only cost you your time and effort, and you've made some new friends and contacts in the music business in your town, and have accomplished the more important task of applying yourself to something very difficult and worthwhile.

   

  try it, and see what happens. what have you got to lose?

• skald said on Jul 26, 2008....

  I think you have done a lot in your 22 years and you can always start with your music again. Maybe learn some more?  I think  you are on the right path. You see what has to be done. I know you feel lost and badly but that is a part of being young and being alive. Good luck. 

• lostboy said on Jul 27, 2008....

  MsStar39 - It is very painful to not pursue the girl I speak of as we have an extremely strong connection, but I consider myself a good person and wouldn't do that to a friend - even if it is a friend that doesn't show much interest in my well being. Because you are right, I never would forgive myself.
  
  
  Wishyouwerehere - Thank you for that compliment, I like to believe I have potential deep down in there somewere. Hard part is pulling it to the surface.
  I agree with you on the female advice. I can't be with someone who was with someone else anyways, it is too much. Plus she loves him and wants to be with him, while at the same time having really strong feelings for me. I just don't know what to do to be honest. When you truly care for someone you can't just turn thosse feellings off whenever you want. =/
  
  
  travelr712 - I understand that many people do the same thing I am doing at my age. It is common. However my circumstances and my views on life aren't quite the same and don't simply fit the cookie-cutter problems of every young person. I'ts easy to listen to any younger person talk about their problems and dismiss them when they say "but my problems are different". Most of the time they aren't. But not everytime. I believe you are right about just making any choice and following through, which is what I've done here, and I am now facing the trials of making those choices. And I'm happy to do so actually. Gaining and maintaining my independence is a great feeling. My problem lies within finding some sort of happiness in my life to keep me going until my life improves. My situation and the way I interact with people has crippled having something positive in my life. I'm just trying to find a way to break out of my own prison while maintaining myself right now. 
  As for the situation with the girl. You definitely are right, the fact that we are forbidden from eachother makes it that much more painful to not have her. This isn't the only thing fueling the feelings that I have though. I am extremely picky when it comes to picking someone to be with. I observed her for months with another person, and one on one. Simply put she matches who I am and we fit extremely well. We are also close friends on top of that, it's more complex than I wish it was. She has her love and there is nothing I can do about it. Unfortunately I can't just decide to not care for her anymore, it doesn't work that way. The pain is there and being around both of them on a daily basis intensifies it. 
  I am looking into joining some music projects now. Meeting people and trying to write.Using my pain as you said to create new music is a good idea. As they say, a musician is best when he is miserable and unhappy. =)
  Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it.
  
  
  skald - Thanks skald. I plan on resurrecting my life of music. It is just a lot of hard work. Being lost is what I do best, in a way I sort of enjoy it. It's not the destination that counts, but the journey - right? 

• butter1970 said on Oct 13, 2008....

  at the age of 22 very few of us knew where life was heading. At 22 I thought i was gonna live in miami and lay carpet forever. At 28 I thought i was gonna run my construction buisiness in Indiana forever. At 32 I was hit by a car on purpose....  (my blog) .... and lost everything i ever owned including my house, cars , 2 buisinesses,and health and became a heroin and crack addict.. Now at 38 im in college going for a masters in addiction counceling. You never know whats ahead. Hang in there youll figure it out.

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