• uniquely-ironic said on Jul 25, 2008....

  Who's to say what makes another person tick?  For you maybe this is normal and okay.  I think you need to figure out if you could substitute another human for him and still be okay to figure out whether he's an indispensible part of the equation.
   
  Is it possible you just need more outside interaction with people? 
   
  Again, I have no answers, but apparently just questions.

• Fallyn said on Jul 25, 2008....

  it's possible.
  but at the same time.....i've dated and discarded a few people since knowing him......
  
  i think a lot of it may have to do with the fact that we were so very very close once upon a time. *sad* i can't seem to let the closeness go.
  

• uniquely-ironic said on Jul 25, 2008....

  *sigh* I know what you mean.  The memory of that closness is comforting.  That you would want to keep that is so normal.  Being loved and accepted for who you are an empowering thing.

• Fallyn said on Jul 25, 2008....

  it really is.
  i just wish there was some way to make him understand that i can be trusted. that the situation i was in was so soul damaging. that it wasn't that i didn't love him that i screwed up....it ws because my ex had me so completely convinced that not only was i insane....but that he was the only person on the planet that could fix me.
  the man had me brainwashed for crying out loud. *sad*
  he can't understand why i stayed with him. when it's so frigging obvious that the guy was a TOTAL and COMPLETE insane asshole! and i couldn't see it. *sad*
  so now he doesn't trust me, didn't trust the closeness, thinks that everything i ever told him when we were that close was a lie....or tainted and damaged somehow......that it was false.
  and it wasn't. *sad*
  

• Fallyn said on Jul 25, 2008....

  i just find myself trying to prove to him that i'm not a liar. (i lied to him)
  i'm not a user (i used him)
  that he was the only reason i survived that whole ordeal in the first place.
  
  i made such HORRIBLE choices. and he ended up with the short end of every single one of them.
  it just hurts so so much.
  

• tbs230 said on Jul 25, 2008....

  Oh sweetie, I understand what you mean. Needing someone is not unhealthly, unless you feel you can't function without that person...then it becomes a problem.
   
  I think you just really miss someone who was an important part of your life. There's nothing wrong with that! Just keep talking to him, keep showing him that the person you were with him is the REAL you, and the mistakes you made just made you that much of a better person.
   
  If he cares for you as much as he says he did, he'll see the differences.
   
  Oh sweetie, you gotta forgive yourself for the way it was before you can expect him to.

• wishyouwerehere said on Jul 25, 2008....

  Dear Fallyn -
   
  Maybe time will help him develop trust in you.  Need is an awfully strong word.  It sounds as though you function well without him, but the WANT is creating an intense longing.  I can deeply identify with this feeling.  I have a wonderful life, but it is even better when Taran is with me - when he isn't, his absence is very palpable.
   
  There's nothing wrong with the longing - in fact, I think it was you who told me, and rightly so, that there is actually a (bitter)sweetness in wanting and pining for someone this way.
   
  I only hope the longing will be fulfilled. 
   
  As for the past, don't question why you stayed.  Perhaps, like me, you stayed until you were ready.  Flowers spend a lot of time in the dirt before they open and bloom.
   
  Sending you hugs - Wish

• uniquely-ironic said on Jul 25, 2008....

  I don't know the particulars of your previous situation with him, but like the others all you can do is consistently show him that you're not the same person you were when you were with your ex.
   
  I understand making choices that hurt someone you love.  In your situation you were in survival mode.  Perhaps (and I hope I'm wrong) the damage is too deep.  You won't know that right away of course, but I do think you should keep this in mind so that you don't become entrapped in a relationship where you are constantly trying to prove yourself to someone.  That is just as toxic as the one you were in.

• Fallyn said on Jul 25, 2008....

  tbs, i'm finding that really hard to do....forgiving myself.
  it ruicned my life. i'm still recovering......it's hard to forgive myself for those mistakes.
  
  wish...i like that....flowers stay in dirt a long time.\
  true.
  i just finally stopped feeling dirty over the whole thing......and yeah...it was me that told you that....and it's true.....need is a strong word. i don't need him to survive......but i do need him to feel complete? ....i don't know.
  
  UI sis....i know....that's what scares me....maybe the damage done is too deep....i haven't really let myself look at it....cause well.....my hearts been broken too many times already....and the unfairness of that is just too painful to look at right now.
  
  
  

• uniquely-ironic said on Jul 25, 2008....

  (((Hug)))
   
  I know.  Put it aside for today and take it back out when you are in a better frame of mind to look at it. 
   
  Most important lesson - don't let anyone else decide for you when to deal with this.

• Mamie said on Jul 25, 2008....

  hiya (((hugs))).
  I am the kind of person who needs to want someone more than I need them! I think if you suffer a really big broken heart at some point in life, you can learn how to do that. Otherwise, it can be hard to determine where the boundaries are and what you want vs. what you need. It is definitely a tricky situation!

• Fallyn said on Jul 25, 2008....

  UI, thankyou. i don't even know where to start.
  i'm finding that i'm having trouble even knowing who "me" is.
  i don't know if i like stuff or not...i seem to decide if i like things based on who is important in my life and do THEY like it. *sigh*
  i don't want to be that way.....but how do you know if you like things or not?
  
  mamie, i don't know how broken my heart has been........my love wasn't there when stuff was happening with my ex......it was my soul that was nearly shattered. not my heart.
  i'm not sure how i come to that distinction.
  

• queenparanoia said on Jul 26, 2008....

  this is one thing that really sucks when you fall in love... anyway i hope you can stay afloat long enough that you'll be strong to swim on your own.... =)

• pusscat said on Jul 26, 2008....

  Hi Fallyn
   
  I know this may sound too simple but have you ever tried writing everything down and giving it to your guy?  I have done this recently a few times and it is amazing how the written word can be read over and over again and each time the reader discovers something else that they missed the first time.
   
  It would be your choice to decide where to start from - whether it be when you were in the other relationship or just exactly how you feel about him now.
   
  It could also be worth mentioning to him that it takes counsellors and therapist many months sometimes years (with the successful cases that is) to help people learn why they acted a certain way, why they remained in situations like your, so you are not going to be able to explain or justify it just because he asks you to.
   
  I wish you all the best Fallyn
   
  pc
   
   

• Fallyn said on Jul 26, 2008....

  queen. i'm strong enough.....i'm just really tired of it.
  
  puss, yeah....i have in the past.....and it just ended up hurting more.
  i never know the right thing to say........in fact sometimes i've said things that have pushed him further into his shell.
  it's not my responsibility to come up with the right things to say.........but at the same time...i don't like doing it.
  

• silverwhisper said on Jul 29, 2008....

  i'm very much afraid fallyn that i think that needing someone actually is unhealthy. i think it's more a comment on how long you were with him than it is a comment on you, though.
  
  ed

• Fallyn said on Jul 29, 2008....

  how long i was with him?
  
  i don't even know how long i was with him. it's all been so complicated.
  

• silverwhisper said on Aug 01, 2008....

  when is a relationship not complicated, though? :>
  
  ed

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