Each of these words evokes different feelings and reactions. The following is a guide to testing the waters and maybe jumping right into something that may be wholeheartedly rewarding or something that never should have been attempted.

Preparation is the key to making a large change in the status of your relationship. Research and understanding are important. Some will proceed directly into a multiple partner relationship, for the tiny few this will work, for others this type of attitude will have dramatic and painful consequences.

This piece will attempt to paint a clear picture of the views from different sides of the relationships. It is in no way meant to be a definitive guide, that is to say please do not read this and think it is the only information that one would need to enter into these types of relationships.

Starting with the one that many know:

Monogamy

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Part of Speech: noun

Definition:

1 archaic : the practice of marrying only once during a lifetime

2 : the state or custom of being married to one person at a time

3 : the condition or practice of having a single mate during a period of time

www.dictionary.com

Part of Speech: noun

Definition:

1. The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time.

2a. The practice or condition of being married to only one person at a time.

2b. The practice of marrying only once in a lifetime.

3. Zoology. The condition of having only one mate during a breeding season or during the breeding life of a pair.

Monogamy simply put means two sexual partners that are only sexually active with each other to the exclusion of all others. One man and one woman, two women, or two men together without any extra sexual partners would be the obvious possible couplings. Monogamy does not necessarily mean that those involved in the sexual relationship are 'married' to one another but merely that they are not sexually active with another partner outside of the two of them.

As this is a piece slanted to relationships outside of the 'norm' of two partners this will be the end of the delving into the monogamous relationship.

Polygamy and Ménage a Trois are similar but different. In Polygamy there is usually a 'marriage' of at least three people. A man with two wives, a woman with two husbands, a man with a wife and a husband or a wife with a husband and a wife, three women, and three men are possible combinations in a polygamous relationship. In a Ménage a Trois there is not necessarily a permanent relationship, like marriage but there can be, between any of the three people involved in the sexual play, it may be something merely tried once or several times without the ties that would bind them together for something long term.

It is these two relationships that this piece is slanted towards. How to add that third person, what are the rules involved, problems that can arise, the pleasure, the pain, and what happens if the group needs to go their separate ways.

For the one that asked to add the third:

If the addition of the third was your idea, what was the basis of the idea?

You have approached your partner with the idea of adding a third person to the relationship, why?

Ask yourself why you wish to have another person involved in the relationship. Is there something that you feel is lacking in your relationship that you believe a third would solve? Do you need more excitement? Is there a deeper more emotional or mental reason behind wanting to have a third added to your relationship?

In this role in the relationship you have a bit of responsibility to stop and ask yourself these questions and to answer and respond to questions from your mate. Now that you have asked for this can you accept the responsibility of the addition of another person into the relationship. Bluntly put, thinking with your sexual organs may have landed you in the position to ask your partner for the addition however your brain and heart need to be fully engaged to successfully navigate your way through this new territory.

The Person asked to allow another in:

Well now they have gone and done it, they have asked you to add a third to your duo. What do you say, how do you react? Stop and take a breath before answering their question. An answer hastily given at this point could lead to numerous problems down the road.

One of the first questions that you should ask yourself is this: what is my emotional attachment to the person asking me? Are you married to them, in a committed relationship with them, are they a good friend of yours? Bringing another person into your duo could drastically change your emotional attachment with this person.

In many instances men and women view sex differently. In many but not all instances men see sexual intercourse as a physical act where women see it as an emotional one. Is your partner asking you for a one time fix or are they asking you to add a third person to your duo as a permanent thing? This is not a question of how much you love, like, or are emotionally attached to this person. This should not be a question of "if you love me you will do this", this has to be a question of can you do it and still have a duo when it is finished.

Questions for both of you to ask and consider:

Will this third be a male or female?

Will this be a one time thing?

Is the third being added to have sex with BOTH current partners or are they being added simply for the pleasure either physically or visually of one or the other of the original duo?

If this is a one time thing, where will this encounter happen? Where will this occur: at the duo's home, at one of their homes, at the third's home, a hotel room?

Are there things that anyone involved is not allowed to do? Meaning is there something that one of the current duo is simply not comfortable with an 'outsider' doing.

Is the person asking for the third wishing for this third privately or are both of the duo going to participate?

If there is not a specific person already in mind, who decides whom the third person is going to be, is it going to be mutual or will one or other of the duo make the decision?

If there is a specific person in mind are they currently involved in a relationship of their own? If they are not do they understand what you are wanting from them as an individual? If they are involved in their own relationship, do they understand what the duo is asking of them and what is the reaction and input from the person that they are involved with?

Please don't ignore any of these questions and do not ignore or disregard any other questions that come up as a result of the answers or lack of answers from the responses made. Brainstorming or free flowing ideas can be a great asset at this point in the discussions. This is the time when unknown fears or uncertainties can come to the surface through truthful and honest discussion and searching.

The Third:

Whoever you are, congratulations and good luck in this endeavor, you are going to need it. You have been asked to join in with two others that wish for your company on an extremely personal level. To begin with, you do not need to say yes to this idea. There are no hard and fast rules and if done honestly and openly you can refuse the offer without making the duo feel slighted. You as the third have as much if not more responsibility then the duo. You are responsible for yourself and for watching and being very aware of the unspoken actions of the duo.

You are probably confused at this not understanding how you are more responsible, but it is simple. You are not the one that must continue on as part of the duo after all is said and done; you do not have to continue being engaged to, married to, or live with the duo after this sexual interlude is completed. Your role is almost that of a grandparent or an aunt or uncle with children, they are not yours, you get them for a time but then send them home to their parents who have to deal with the consequences of all things that you did while that child was in your care. Your actions will be dealt with after the fact and if you can reasonably engage in this moment and keep your eyes and ears open then that might save everyone hurt and anger in the end.

Questions that need answers from the third:

Whose idea was adding the third?

What role will the third play, is they there to pleasure one partner over the other or is they there to play with both partners at the same time?

Are their taboo actions or topics of discussion?

Can you live with those taboos?

What do you expect from the encounter? Long term things, short term things, are you in it just for fun or are you secretly emotionally involved with one of the duo? Do you think that after this event that the member of the duo that you have a thing for will wish to be with you alone?

Can you have what may end up being a one night/one day/one weekend fling?

So, you have all made it past the questions and actually agreed to do this. The time is at hand and you are all getting ready to jump into bed. STOP!!! Please make sure that everyone has protection. In this time of killer STDs and unwanted pregnancies please do not take any chances. Also keep the answers to the conversations that were had before hand in mind. Do not simply think to yourself well they were hesitant about this one little thing but I am sure once we are actually doing stuff they will change their minds. Do not go down that trail. Keep to exactly what was agreed upon in the beginning. Do not try and change someone's mind about something at this stage in the drama because switching scripts, horses, thought patterns mid-thrust will most definitely end up with almost all parties hurt and bitter.

In some of these pleasurable moments the urge will be to not think but simply feel. To a point that can be done but all must keep in mind the rule heading into this, the dos and don'ts and any other restrictions or even special requests that came into the discussions before hand.

The Afterglow

So now that it is over with what to do. Well continue on as you were before the 'event'. Do not assume that just because one mind-blowing experience was had that all caution and rules are thrown to the wind. Things have not changed except for a deeper carnal and maybe emotional knowledge of each other. Things at this point can go several ways, it can be good, and everyone can be happy or at least content. However, things can also go very badly.

Badly is when a rule was broken, someone's feelings were injured, private or secret jealousy comes to the surface or a multitude of other little things can go horribly wrong. First and foremost, do not panic. Do everything that you can to not get angry and hurl words and thoughts that cannot be taken back once they are said. Remember that there are three people involved and four sides of the argument. Now would be a good time to sit down and talk. Talk about what happened and what was it that has affected everyone in a negative way. Do not point fingers or attempt to lay blame. Something went wrong, that is all that is necessary to understand at this point, something that needs to be fixed if possible or soothed if it cannot be fixed.

It might be something that can be fixed then again it may be something that cannot be fixed. If it can be fixed then do so, fix it however things need to be worked out. This might take some effort; this might mean that someone may have to step back away from the other two or vice versa. The fix may in fact cause discomfort, but the question to ask "Is the fix worth the effort?"

If it is something that cannot be fixed, all parties involved may very well have to go their separate ways. It is not a personal failure if things did not work out and there is not a happily ever after. It is not a personal failure if one or more of the people involved disliked the entire episode and would rather not have a repeat performance. Adding a third to a duo is not an easy thing nor is it for everyone. Not all animals can successfully mate multiple partners. Humans have the ability to mate with many humans physically, although, emotionally and mentally they may not be able.

Ménage a Trois

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Definition:

1. A relationship in which three people, such as a married couple and a lover, live

together and have sexual relations.

2. household for three; an arrangement where a married couple and a lover of one of them live together while sharing sexual relations

Personal Notes: I have participated in three of these types of events. From personal experience two times were really wonderful while it was happening and came out on the other end okay. My first experience was with two friends of mine, none of the three of us were involved together in a strict duo which in my opinion made it easier on everyone to define clearly what we all wanted from each other and what was acceptable and what was not. This gave me a good basis for going into the second event. However, I made one fatal error; this duo was man and wife. I was friends with the wife and her husband had always wanted to participate in a threesome. I never thought anything of it; I did not understand exactly what was much of the underlying items that I mentioned above. I never saw her jealousy coming at any time in the talks. I never did anything that was on her taboo list; however that did not matter to her. In the end, she felt betrayed and felt that her husband had cheated on her, even though she agreed to the terms. I never wanted to have that happen again. I lost a good friend over it and we were never able to patch up the hurt feelings. I do not know if their marriage survived afterwards either. The third time I was so nervous. I did not wish to participate; I strongly and continually repeated that I did not wish to participate. Finally after long talks I agreed to it and it was wonderful, sweet and something that I wished to do again. Unfortunately, I came to my own waterloo eventually. I was involved in a relationship with a man and he expressed interest in having another woman, whom was a friend of both of ours, join us. I remembered distinctly what happened when the duo from before was a committed couple. I told him that I did not wish to participate and he ended up sleeping with her behind my back instead. A Ménage a Trois is not for everyone. Some people can handle it well while others simply are not wired to have them and not come out on the other end hurt and dismayed.

Polygamy is as stated before similar to a threesome but in some fundamental ways very different. Everything that was already mentioned still applies when making the decision for a long term relationship however there are more issues that come up and many more things that must be dealt with.

In this type of relationship there is a long termness that must be addressed.

Family

Simple and easy enough to label but what do you all tell your respective families? What do you say to them, how do you introduce the members of the trio? Do not fool yourself into thinking that you can simply avoid it because it will be unavoidable. Even if you personally do not speak to your family or have close relations with them maybe the other members of your trio do. A decision has to be made about what is going to be said and what won't be said. It is not something that can wait. Someone may slip and then you will have problems that you did not expect nor plan for, so avoid it all and plan early.

Co-Workers

One or the entire trio works the topic of your living arrangements most likely will come up eventually. What will is the story for work? Are benefits at work going to change? Company functions: who is who and how are they introduced? Does your company have a 'morality clause' in their bylaws (yes some companies actually do have morality clauses that can negatively affect any sexual relations outside of the 'norm')? Be prepared to answer questions at the workplace. Granted personal and private matters should stay that way however that is not always something that is easily done.

Neighbors and Friends

What will the trio tell the neighbors? Is this a new roommate or roommates depending upon who moved where? Whom does the trio explain what to? Any or all of you may be sitting there thinking well it's our private business no one else needs to know anything. AHA, that is where you are thinking incorrectly. Your friends if they are worth their salt will ask questions, they will wonder and they will most definitely have opinions of their own that they will most likely share with you in no uncertain terms. Are you ready for those opinions? Can you defend the trio to your friends or at least comment in such a way that the trio itself and the feelings of those involved in the trio are protected because each member is now responsible for the feelings and welfare of all of the trio.

Money

Who has it? Who is responsible for it? Who will take care of paying the bills? What debts are now communal and what are individual debts? When making major purchases will all of the trio have to discuss it or is everyone allowed to do as they please? Money is the number one reason for divorce in the United States, do not make it the reason why your trio broke to pieces.

Children

This part can be a hotbed of trouble. If there are children involved much more time and attention is required before cohabitation occurs. Those children will look at the situation and try with their young minds to figure out what to do, who everyone is in their lives, and what to tell others. The trio must be strong and confident, they must be able to tell these children what the situation is, age appropriately of course, in a way that the children do not feel that they are keeping some big secret that they are not allowed to share.

It is important to all involved that the children understand. Also remember that 'kids will say the darndest things' usually at the most inopportune time. The story that you tell your friends, family, and co-workers may not be what you tell your children. Be warned, secrets are hard to keep so if you are completely honest with your children they maybe completely honest to anyone that mentions their home life to them. Be warned that some 'super helpful' people at your children's school may frown upon your relationship that could eventually bring child welfare into the picture. Dealing with children in this type of relationship is tricky but it can be done. Do not be discouraged simply because it appears to be a daunting task of explaining to them and then helping them understand that most of their friend's parents are probably not doing the same thing.

Types of Trios

Possible combinations:

Man (Alpha), woman and woman – In this situation the man is the alpha character of the trio. The women are not necessarily subservient to the man but he tends to make many of the choices and decisions. In this type of arrangement the male would be held more responsible and more accountable for the goings on of the home. Possible problems with this relationship could include jealousy between the women and rivalry for the attention of the sole man.

Man (Alpha), woman (alpha) and woman – In this situation the man and one of the women tends to rule the roost. The woman maybe seen in the light of a bread winner for the household along with the man. The other woman may actually be a stay at home, she maybe responsible for the care and upkeep of the house and if there are children she maybe responsible for taking care of the children. Possible problems with this relationship could include jealousy between the two women regarding their stations (stay at home vs. working woman). Unfair household house work burden for the stay at home partner.

 

Man (alpha), woman and woman (both women bisexual) – In this situation it is much the same as the first one listed however with the added benefit that both women are of a sexual persuasion to be with each other as well. In this situation there would be a less likely chance of jealousy or rivalry because this would not only be a polygamous relationship but true threesome where all parties were sexually and emotionally fulfilled with the entire trio and not just dependent on one.

Man, man and woman – This relationship can work but it is a touch trickier then the ones mentioned above. Women tend to for the most part take possession of a home and make it their own, however men tend to for the most part take possession of a person and make it their own. Two straight men sharing one woman could become dicey especially if the men end up 'competing' for the woman in question.

Man, man and woman (the men are bisexual) – In this situation much like the one with a man and two bisexual women the thought would be that this might possibly work better as opposed to two straight men sharing one woman. This may work for the same reason as the other did above, more sharing and less likelihood of jealousies or possessive dynamics coming into play.

Man, man, and man – This possibly as the good pieces of having men working together for a single goal, however it also shares the dynamics of alpha males with their property and with trying to share what they believe is theirs. This could be wonderful but it would have to be worked at exceptionally hard. It has the potential to have great benefits if all parties could work together.

Woman, woman and woman – This particular situation has a lot of good going for it. Women are naturally nurturing and work through feelings or at least attempt to work through them. This has the potential to be a wonderful environment for all involved as long as they are upfront about their feelings and upfront about their needs and desires.

Communication is the key.

Again, communication is the key.

Finally, communication is the key.

Relationships will rise and fall simply due to lack of communication. Keeping everyone in the loop of information at all times can prevent hard feelings and unfortunate and extremely painful and costly breakups.

Polygamy [Plural Marriage]

www.dictionary.com

Definition:

1. The condition or practice of having more than one spouse at one time. Also called plural marriage.

2. Zoology. A mating pattern in which a single individual mates with more than one individual of the opposite sex.

Personal Notes: I have been involved in this type of situation once. Unfortunately for me it did not work out well. Eventually, I left it and the other two so that they could be together simply because their goals and dreams at that time were something that they could do for each other and I simply did not share them. I have also seen this type of relationship work really well with three female friends of mine that were just amazing to watch them work so hard to be together. Those of us around them could tell that they were deeply in love with each other. I feel that if I were to ever trying this type of relationship again I would wish for either the man with the two women or the three women. This is not to say that I don't think that other combinations wouldn't work for others but for me I know what I would want and what I would need to make things happy for myself and those around me.

No matter what you decide, please act and make decisions responsibly. Several lives are at stake as well as several hearts. Good luck.