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i dont wanna but my body craves it...

queenparanoia posted on Jul 24, 2008 | views: 121 | Tags: smoking, rant
i hope people dont get bored with me talking about my work...
 
it's the only thing keeping busy these days.
 
anyway, i still can't get a decent sleep... my body is still adjusting...
 
i hate it cuz it makes me bitchy...
 
and now i'm really worried about passing this two weeks training...
 
i'm having some doubts if i could do this...
 
yes, negative thoughts keeps entering my head..... can't help it though...
 
i need more sleep.... i'm not as positive and bubbly as before...
 
my insecure and doubtful self is emerging again...
 
i really hate it...
 
and now i'm craving for a cigarrette...
 
yeah, yeah i know it's been months since my last stick... and dont worry i'm not smoking yet.... bu it's hard because my body is craving it and i'm stressing out a lot...
 
i dont wanna smoke because of health reasons...
 
but with all the stresses i want one!!!
 
i dont wanna sound a fricking cry baby but this really upsets me... i'm crying over a cigarette...
 
but i dont wanna start this habit again...
 
i feel like crap right now... i can't even control myself... can't help it... this is the way i am...
 
if i'm sad or angry or stress i torture myself by either overeating or by smoking before...
 
and now i have no appetite i'm craving for a cigarette...
 
i'm sorry soulcasters...
 
i feel like i let some of you down... people here who are proud of me for stopping smoking...
 
i hate it cuz i always do this to myself... i always look down at myself. my self esteem sucks sometimes. and i'm punishing me...
 
and yes ed i feel like i'm still a doormat... i care about what other people think...
 
it will be an embarrasment if i lose this job in two weeks... i hate because my motehr brag me already to other people... i hate it when she do that... i'm not a regular employee yet she brags me around... i hate it cuz i feel like she is setting another expectation from me....
 
so dont be surprise if one of this days i might smoke... i dont know when but i feel like i'm gonna crack and reach out for that stick...
 
this is really sucks...
 
sorry for the negative post but i have to let this out..
 
update:
 
i just smoke some cigarettes... i guess i'm back being a smoker again...
 


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Comments

  • skald said on Jul 24, 2008....
    You will make it . You will hold the job. Don't you touch that cigarette, girl. You will not be letting us down you will let your self down.

    Remember you will make it. I am sure. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
  • wombat said on Jul 24, 2008....
    Well, stress can do that to you....I was pulling for you, then I saw that last line--(the update)  Don't feel too bad--you slipped a little, but if you decide it was just a slip up, maybe you can toss them away again.  Good luck.
     
  • quietone said on Jul 24, 2008....
    Oh, crap queenie.  Sorry to hear you are so stressed and down on yourself.  Well, so you had a smoke or a few... when you are ready, you will quit again.  It isn't easy for sure.  As far as the job, yes, I do believe you are setting yourself up to fail.  You CAN do this, it is a choice only you can make sweetie... and either way you will still be queenie to me.  {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
  • tbs230 said on Jul 24, 2008....
    It's ok if you slip up once and a while, just as long as you don't make it a habit again. You're doing your best queenie!
     
    I'd brag about you too!! I'm so proud of you!! You can do this!
  • uniquely-ironic said on Jul 24, 2008....
    One slip does not make you a smoker again.  I believe you can not only cut out the smoking but that you can do this job.
     
    You're a very smart girl, and working nights is just stressing you out.  The lack of sleep can affect your memory, your emotions, your physical body.  Is there a way you can take an over the counter sleep aid to help you get some deeper sleep?
     
    It's a struggle for you now, but don't give up.
  • queenparanoia said on Jul 24, 2008....

    skald: sorry to tell you mommy searest but i'm back smoking again... but only one stick... i will stop it i could adjust... thanks for believing in me...

    wombat: i promise i will stop once i get adjusted to this new schedule... for now i'm smoking but not much... although i feel better now... i dont think negatively anymore... thanks wombie...

    quiteone: thank you quiteone.... thanks for believing in me... and thank you for not judging me... ;-)

    tbs230: i'll do thatf or you too since you have a job now!!! ;-)

    uniquely: well for now i sleep when i'm tired. and i surf for a little while to distress... i also listen to some music... although sometimes i can't help it cuz some people here are noisy.... althogh today i'll try having a buble bath before going to sleep.. =)

  • silverwhisper said on Jul 29, 2008....
    sis, just b/c you've fallen off the wagon doesn't mean you can't get right back on!

    ed
  • queenparanoia said on Jul 29, 2008....
    silver: maybe i could quit after a few weeks... but for now... still smoking... but not much...

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