"i strive for words, yet i have a need for the physical"

i wrote that the other night and it popped back into my head.

i feel a psychological self-examination at hand, but how to start this?

    the other night... ok morning... at a friend's house after a party i was talking to mr. dump-the-greatest-thing-in-his-life and after growing frustrated with my spew of questions told me that he doesn't like to explain everything he does. that made me think about how i do it all the time and i asked, "why do i always feel the need to explain everything i do and why?" and then, i realized i was trying to explain why i felt the need to explain everything.

hence the words, "i strive for words..."

    i do though, and i'm thinking it's because when i was a child, i wasn't able to express myself in language to my family. i was usually cut off and ignored. eventually, i just stopped talking to my family, especially since a.) my changing phases were quite beyond my family, in the sense that they really had no idea how to react or empathize, and b.) i was always interrupted and made to feel like what i was talking about was unimportant
    that plus the facts that: i am constantly changing and moving forward and want to make as much progress with myself personally as i can and it was hard for me for a long time to understand myself; all that adds up to my eager desire to explain myself and figure myself out.

as for the second part of the introductory phrase: "...yet i have a need for the physical"
...it also relates to my childhood of course

    because, in that time of being ignored and shut up, the main way anyone showed any emotion towards me was physical. my family hugged me if they wanted to show love, or were proud of me, or happy to see me. my parents beat the shit out of me when they were upset or angry or i had done something wrong. the other kids tried to kiss me and touch me if they enjoyed my company, as tried too many others. on top of all that, i have the past history of physical and sexual abuse to prove my point.


examining myself at this kind of level always kind of depresses me that i'm so fucked up. but it's good to work/talk through it, i believe. and also, i'm definitely not your average victim.



speaking of all this reminds me of my friends voice, playing through my head again: "you can't let everything that's happened to you hold you back"
but that always pisses me off to remember
because i learn from it, i learn how to be careful. i dont believe it holds me back, and if it did then from what? partying with people i dont know? going to clubs and talking to strangers by myself? letting guys i dont know very well drive me home? drinking until i get hammered? i dont mind being held back from any of that at all.
it really pissed me off when she couldnt understand why i wouldn't want to go to an underground alternative club in the city and get hit on by 50 year old fetish-men without my boyfriend at the time to have been there.
oh well, it's water over-the-bridge or whatever. too long ago, next time i'll punch her in the face.

not like i dont want to go back, i love that place. just preferably with my look-out back-up man.

lol anyway, im good at getting off topic.