message to a friend,
i think you just want someone to hold on to and depend on, but i am not that person. the way i used to feel about you was years ago and i have changed and moved on since then. i'm sorry i couldn't be what you needed.

so my friend, he used to be my best friend, invited me to a party over the night and i went because i haven't seen him in so long. then all his friends tried to hit on me even though he was obviously trying to set up his territory so to speak, and it was hard for us to be alone long enough to catch up. so we went for a walk. it was nice, but also strange because mr. never smoke-never drink was drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes and so different. and then, if i may cast my soul anonymously, he kissed me. and im single at the moment and wanted to try to detach myself from my ex, so i kissed him back, but to be completely honest - it felt so utterly wrong. i didn't want to kiss him, and what i really wanted was to kiss my not-boyfriend-boyfriend. the entire thing just broke my heart even more. but i stopped and i told him that i didn't want to give him the wrong impression and that i didn't know what i wanted.

but i know what i want.
i just can't have it right now.

i feel extremely shitty, soulcast. i haven't told anyone, and it's not like i need to. and i'm not going to see my friend again anytime soon i don't think, but i feel really bad. i feel like i've betrayed myself, and i have.

i really am truly in love.

and all these people are like "oh lets do something" "you're so beautiful" blah blah blah
but i don't want anyone but my sexy ho.

*sigh*

speaking of which, today i attempted to turn the tables around with my mostly-not-boyfriend. i've been moronically pathetic: calling him, asking him when i'll see him, messaging him. but finally, when a friend inspired me to stop moping like a bitch, i tried to be nonchalant. i called him back and after a minute of bullshitting, i said, "so, did you need anything?" and hes like "oh no i was just gonna call you back so... yeah idk" and then the table flipped the fuck over and he wanted to know all about my day and what i was doing and stay on the phone for a bit and say i love you back to me; and tonight on AIM he made sure to tell me he loves me.

its just like the girls say, you gotta dangle em.
i hope he realizes soon.

im trying so hard to give him the space he says he wants.
god i dont want to lose him completely.


today was extremely awkward for the most part i guess, the party was ridiculously awkward and i could find bits of awkwardity in the rest of the day.

i have this pretty much uncontrollable compulsive habit of doing astoundingly awkward things. i say stupid shit a lot without thinking.

i need to stop that.


well. thats my rant for the moment. i might get back on in a few with anything else that comes to mind.

fuck it dude,
peace, love, empathy
<3 zane