• queenparanoia said on Jul 23, 2008....

  try separation first... i'm sorry to hear this HH...

  {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

  just remember were here for you...

• secretlife said on Jul 23, 2008....

  i can already hear the regret-  so i think asking for a divorce wasn't the right response for the moment you found yourself in-
   
  hh you were just angry with him for snooping-  and i think you have every right to be-  he has no right to snoop in your phone---
  add that to already being pissed at him for not working, not pulling his share in the relationship, etc, etc, and i can understand why you're tired.
  your marriage has to change.
  he has to understand that.
  he has to make changes.
  do you think he can?  honestly?
  and do you think you can sit and talk about specifics of what needs to change?

• dailyachesandpains said on Jul 23, 2008....

  HH:  Well, believe this, Mr. Daily has done the same thing and include email on top of it...every email I use and any account I have anywhere that involves communication.
   
  I did the same as you did...asked for a divorce.  However, after I settled down and spoke with friends, I was assured that I jumped into the "D" pond too fast.  I didn't think for a moment.  I was only thinking about "me" and the fastest way out.  In the moment, I forgot about how everyone would be affected.  Little D. most importantly.  At the end of the day, my privacy being violated was not worth the big "D" but it took me a little while to realize that.
   
  It was him getting into my things that brought everything to a head.  It's not the only reason why I requested a divorce...trust me.  Mr. D. is a great guy, however, he does NOT know when to take time out for his family, or not over-react when Little D. does something that little kids do.  We had NO communication and were a marriage in passing for quite some time and it just sucked.  Since my friends shined the light on me and said that since we haven't been communicating due to his out of control work ethic, that he would have no idea that there was even a problem.  They were right.  We spoke many times since I "confronted" him.
   
  He's since changed some things, as have I.  He was really clueless as to what was bothering me and I was as far as what was bothering him.
   
  Think long and hard.  PLEASE!  I was so ready to go all guns blazing and walk out with Little D. and I am SO SO happy I had friends that I could talk to.
   
  I hope you're able to get through this no matter what.  It's not meant to be easy, but you know that. 
   
  {{{HUGS}}}}
  Daily

• skald said on Jul 23, 2008....

  I know this is very hard and I just want to say that I am sorry, (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

• uniquely-ironic said on Jul 23, 2008....

  His snooping in your stuff was inappropriate and you should be angry.  I know you've been unhappy for awhile.  I'll bet you've given a lot of thought to divorce as well.  If you're this unhappy, and some of that is normal, maybe you do need to seperate for awhile, see how you feel in a few months, and if you're still sure that you want a divorce proceed from there. 

• travelr712 said on Jul 23, 2008....

  on the opposite side hh, with my first wife, i didn't snoop, i didn't invade her privacey, save once when her purse was open on the kitchen table and the name and address of a 'coworker' was blatently displayed. so when she finally left, and i found out 3 weeks later that it was to move in with another man, leaving me to raise our 7 year old daughter alone, i had no advanced warning except for my own suspicions.
   
  my point? not to defame you in any way at all, but be honest. we are all human. we are all capable of extra marital affairs, given the right circumstances. that doesn't mean that you did, or would, it just means that you could. again, under the right set of circumstances. and those set of circumstances are very personally subjective. no one knows what they are except you (and including you until you find yourself in them). so look at the facts from a perspective outside yourself for a second. you obviously have had marital problems for quite some time. i know this not only from reading your blog, but your very screen name shouts that out quite clearly. your husband has to feel that too. and has to sense that you've been very unhappy for awhile now. and so he does something to try and find out what's going on. misguided? perhaps. but is it really that bad a thing to have done? aren't people who are married supposed to be open and honest with each other? i don't think something like that is really that much of an invasion of privacy from a spouse.
   
  and so look at the outcome. he finds several really suggestive messages from more than one person. and when he confronts you about it, you say you want a divorce. quite honestly hh (and again, not to upset you), but if i were just hearing about this scenario not knowing you, i would be convinced that you were having an affair and trying to cover it up.
   
  i guess what i am trying to say is, maybe you could look at this situation from his perspective. he doesn't know what set of circumstances it would take for you to be in that situation, all he can do is react to what he experiences. and in his perspective, he has good reason not to trust you. i know i certainly had good reason not to trust my first wife, regardless of her assurances, and i was proven right in the end. so no matter how baseless his conclusions may be, what other conclusions can he possibly draw from the circumstances?
   
  look at it this way. if he had been acting unhappy, distant and cold toward you for a year, and you found similar messages on his phone or in his email, and when you confronted him about it, he said he wanted a divorce, what conclusion would you draw from it?

• tbs230 said on Jul 23, 2008....

  I really have nothing to add to the advice given already. I just know that from personal experience, we all say things we don't mean because at the moment, its the best option to stop a painful confrontation (one that might be way overdue). Afterwards, the longer it takes for you to reconnect and straighten out why things were said, the longer you hurt and the harder it is.
   
  in short, seperation might be best...but please go back, once you're calm, and finish that conversation. You'll regret it if you don't.
   
  Either way, I'm hear and I'm reading...

• Fallyn said on Jul 23, 2008....

  *HUGS* i hope you can find happiness. 

• starchini said on Jul 23, 2008....

  I tend to agree with Trav.  If people are supose to be honest and open whats the big deal in taking a look at your spouses phone.  Initially the act of "snooping" implies he thinks u arnt being honest...But i know that i have looked through Phil's phone, with no implications in mind.  It was a simple, hmm whats going on in his life sorta thing.  I didnt expect to "find" anything...I guess im just kinda a snoop...He sees me do it too.  He doesnt mind.  He didnt mind at all.  I was sitting on the couch taking a looksy at his recieved and dialed calls.  he comes in the room "what ya doin?", "looking at ur phone", "oh, anything good in there?", "nope"...So, because of that i agree with trav.  I think looking at someones phone shouldnt be a big deal, unless ur hiding something.  I think its easy to get mad about with the whole invasion of privacy, but i think being mad about that is just wanting to pick a fight...

• eurekame said on Jul 23, 2008....

  i know exactly how you feel, i have been there. a seperation was the best thing that could have happened; funny thing-therpy wasnt! we both realised that we do need eachother, how much you mean to one another...keep the chin up.

• RollingC said on Jul 23, 2008....

  I feel for you.  Even though we never had kids (can't) and her daughter rejected me big time and other circumstances, it does hurt like crazy.  We are separated and it looks like divorce but who knows (although I'm not going back to the way things were...I prefer divorce).... I don't know what to tell you except that I feel for you and will keep you in my prayers.
  Rc

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• Wish_Upon_A_Star said on Jul 24, 2008....

  I'm sorry. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.
  -e-hugs-

• scipio said on Jul 24, 2008....

  Don't do anything in haste that you would regret later on. Cool down for a few days - and think with a clear mind.  Good Luck  with whatever you decide.

• ssmithford said on Jul 24, 2008....

  There are a lot of reasons to stay in a marriage and many many more to leave.  Communication is a huge key in all of it.  I'd stop and consider all aspects.  And, for goodness sakes - get some rest!   {{{{ big hug! }}}}

• silverwhisper said on Jul 25, 2008....

  HH, you've been thisclose for a long time now. are you sure this is something you want, or was it just something you wanted then?
  
  ed

• missmonash said on Jul 26, 2008....

  HH, i know this probably is hard for you right now but one thing that you really need to consider is the feelings of your children. when my parents got divorced i hated them. what makes it worse is not explaining to them what is happening. if you do go ahead with this, please explain to your children-everything!! do not leave them in the dark. in the mean time, take care of yourself too. try and do something that makes you feel at peace.

• silverwhisper said on Jul 26, 2008....

  actually, as a number of people on SC will attest, staying together for the children can actually be a whole lot worse.
  
  ed

• husbandhater said on Jul 26, 2008....

  Well I'll be honest. My husband doesn't want to discuss Divorce and has said he is not giving me one. He says he will change. Things have been calm on the home front. Not to much words,my husband has been a little nicer and a little more helpful as of late. I'm pretty sure my kids are aware of whats going on as they are part of the gripe. They aren't too young except 5yrold who thinks Mommy should love daddy and all that fairy tale stuff. They have been a large part of why I've been sticking it out.
   
  But one can only take but so much. I know what I want. I want peace. I want things to change. I want love to be part of my family. I want to be a better mother to my children and to spend more time with them. I want my husband to be a better Father and a less angry one that throws tantrums. I want him to realize that he is not the center of the universe and that the kids come 1st not himself.
   
  Am I ready to seperate? Honestly yes. Not sure about divorce but I could use a couple of days to myself. I just want things to get better in my house and if they don't I'll take the next step.

• RollingC said on Jul 26, 2008....

  All I can honestly say to you is take it one step at a time.  Good luck and God Bless.
  Rc

• missmonash said on Jul 27, 2008....

  hey again HH. i was not implying that you should stay together for the children. all in all, you need to do what is best for you but i just want to get across from a younger person's perspective that it is very hard on children. no matter how young or old they are. i was 4 when my parents actually separated but then it took them 8 years to finally get a divorce. whatever happens, i hope it works out.

• captiveheart said on Jul 29, 2008....

  I hope you will try a separation first.  As a stepmom of 2, I know how hard divorce can be on the children...it's very painful, not just for you, but for them too.  So please consider that before you make any life changing decisions.

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