I suppose I could have paid a lot of money for my new look - collagen injections, perhaps? But no - not me, I am far too cheap for such vanities. Better to achieve such beauty by having an intimate encounter with a jellyfish.
I wonder if it has anything to do with climate changes and global warming. I do not ever recall seeing so many jellyfish so early in the season, and certainly not this huge. While not fatal, lion's manes have these long tentacles that sting and burn like hell. Had it gotten me in an extremity, it probably wouldn't have been anything more than a minor annoyance.
This was a mega annoyance worthy of a free trip to the local ER.
So much for a nice, relaxing morning swim.
I saw it before it hit me in the face, but I was out relatively deep, and you can't control the waves. There was a whole swarm of the red bastards. By the time I made it back to shore, I could see my own lips, which is usually NOT a good sign. The lifeguard station gave me a shot of epinephrine and sent me off to the local hospital ASAP.
One would think that having a relative on staff would be a blessing, but once your vital signs are stable, sibling rivalry prevails. There I am lying on the table, cute little button nose transformed into a snout, wrapped up like a pig in a blanket. "What's up, fish lips?" my beloved brother says, reading my chart and shaking his head. "You're looking particuarly attractive this morning."
"Asshole."
"That's Dr. Asshole to you," he laughs. Having made sure that everything was under control, and the visit amounted to nothing more than a severe allergic reaction, Big Bro took the opportunity to exercise the upper hand.
"I guess you would like a pair of scrubs and a ride home," he tells me.
No need - thought I'd walk out to the highway and hitchhike nude.
"Good thing the jellyfish didn't sting you in the boobs," he says. "If those got any bigger, you really wouldn't be able to breathe."
"Too bad it didn't sting you in the crotch," I say. "Then you wouldn't need your fancy sportscar to compensate for your tiny little dick."
"I'm telling Mommy," he says.
Mom already knows you have a little penis - she's the one who changed your diapers.
Lucky for him, most of the women he dates are far more concerned with the size of his wallet.
