my great aunt evelyn passed away back in january.
however.......she has a son in texas, a daughter in panama, a grandson in japan, a grandaughter in alaska and many other family members spread throughout the country, so the funeral wasn't held until just this past month.
anyway.
it all started with my dad's cousin, "dude" (yes this is what we've all called him since forever) he's a junior and his dad turned out to be an asshole right after he was born...... ANYWAY.
my family has skeletons but no closets.
he left a message with his ex wife to tell my dad not to let any of his siblings officiate at the funeral
"my brother is a womanizer" (like dude isn't *rolling my eyes*) "and my sister and her husband are devil worshipers" .....not exactly sure where this accusation comes from, i'm bewildered.
he didn't mention his other sister, but didn't have to.....she's schizophrenic.
anyway, so dad relays the message......basically just informing cousins that there may be trouble at the funeral.
whatever.
anyway.....a few days later we get in the mail an announcement from the devil-worshiping sister that they will be in charge of the funeral......and there will be a powerpoint presentation presented by her husband.
we didn't actually notice this till after the funeral.
which was indeed done in powerpoint
complete with screens such as
OUTLINE
>Definition of Eulogy (for all us backwards hicks that can't even read)
>Definition of Funeral (again.....backwards hicks)
>Birth
>Childhood
>Youthful Fun (including ONE......read me ONE shot of my VERY strait laced aunt with a *GASP* beer in her hand. ......where the power-point presenter.... (i still can't help laughing about the power point for a funeral) blew up the photo HUGE and put a giant red circle around the beer and then mentioned they'd thought of bringing cases of beer to toast her death, but thought the stick in the muds at the funeral may not appreciate that.
(the humour was lost on the audience.....most of whom are very straight laced themselves)
but thought better of it and instead included in the presentation a picture of themselves with beers toasting his mother in law
>Marriage
>Moves (including MAPS of minnesota, washington, iowa.....and including stats like population, growth rates and other such facts.
>Children
>Single Motherhood
>The Invaders (meaning he and the others that married into the family.
>Later Life
>Death
we were also regaled with a (not quite) FULL family tree.
which pointed out that 3 adopted children aren't ACTUALLY considered REALLY part of the family....by these two particular people anyway.
They completely left them off the family tree.
they explained it later that they "had to draw the line somewhere"
i'm left bewildered.
SERIOUSLY. .....the people may not be devil worshipers but they ARE anal retentive.
i was sitting by my dad's sister, we were both getting teary.
they let whoever wanted to say things about her......all of which was delivered MUCH better than the power point presentation.
i couldn't talk....it was too personal.
she'd had a bastard for a husband. she knew what it was like.
every time i saw her she'd grasp my hand with her talons.... (that's what it felt like! *grin*)
and say...you know you have to leave him.
this happened probably ten times.
"why are you still with him?!" (leaving claw marks)
then when i left him... (more claw marks) "i told you he was no good"
*grin* she was a wonderful bat of an old lady.
i didn't feel comfortable sharing this with the whole family of course.
but during the power point presentation there were all kinds of family pictures....including one of my grandma and grandpa. ....i never knew my grandma....my aunt evelyns sister....she died when i was 6 months old......of the fourteen grandkids only four are older than me....i was the last one she ever saw.
but i look JUST like her.
i can point at pictures of her when she died and say "that's what i'm going to look like when i get old"
scary.
but these were the first pictures i'd seen of my grandpa in about 15 YEARS....so that left me teary...... he died when i was 13.
just before the berlin wall came down.
the other thing....my aunt evelyn had a HUGE nose......i mean a BEAK.
it's funny......i'd never seen a picture of her as a child.....but there was NOOOOO mistake whatsoever she even had that nose when she was tiny!
my family isn't just any old family....it's a CLAN.
HUGE.
there are secrets that aren't secret...but no one talks about.
my great grandpa was a child molester. but evelyn wouldn't talk about it.
evelyns husband...the bastard....tried to sell the youngest girl (the one who later developed schizophrenia) to my grandpa for $50. ....the girl had basically been living at my grandparents house as it was....she and my uncle grew up as close as twins.....
my grandpa never forgave himself later in life when he realized what his refusal had meant for her.
he sent her back to live with her own family because "we don't DO that kind of thing in THIS family"
she never forgave him for giving her up either.
my dad grew up in a depression style household in the 60's.
it was a different era.
like they were in a time warp from the people around them.
They were all still in the 30's and 40's....and all the people around them were in the 50's 60's and 70's.
being with my dad's family is still to this day a bizarre experience.
it's so completely colored who i am though.
my cousins and i talk about it.....and how no one but us can understand what it was like growing up with parents that grew up the way they did.
i wish i could convey the things that set them apart from the rest of the world...but there is so much to it.
my dad's family is for the most part a bunch of hillbillies.
not so much now...but growing up......everyone in overalls....including all the kids.
i grew up in overalls.
to my dad it was no big deal to have an outhouse in the back yard.
my parents were hippies.
not because they subscribed to a "hippie commune" way of life.....but because to dad.....
plumbing and electricity were luxuries that weren't really necessary.
it goes one step towards explaining why my mother is so resentful.
she grew up in a stereotypical small town leave it to beaver household.
you did NOT have an outhouse.....you did NOT have kerosene lamps.....
you did NOT have a house made out of plywood.
yes, this is how i grew up.
chasing chickens around the yard.
etc.
my mother was mortified.
anyway....this has gone WAY beyond a funeral post......but...anyway.
now you see a little more behind how i got to be the me i am.
Fallyn posted on Jul 20, 2008
| views: 121
Comments
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moonriver said on Jul 20, 2008....
I can SO identify with your family on the following points:
* roots in hillbilly life; outhouse, chasing chicken round the yard
* big clan dispersed around the world
* skeletons outside the closet, bleached white in the sunny yard for all to see, but no one talks about 'em.
But...
Your great aunt's funeral is more bizarre than my mother's. Lol. I don't know what's more weird: a powerpoint extreme unction, or a powerpoint funeral. Dead in January, funeral in June. I say, wha...? Lol.
How did the powerpoint presenters define "eulogy"? Were there objections? Did you have a sort of parliamentary debate and voting on how to proceed after you were properly briefed about the niceties of a eulogy? LOL!
Thanks for sharing, Fallyn. I know you better now. Welcome to the Curiosity Club hahaha.
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Fallyn said on Jul 21, 2008....
*giggling*
the powerpoint thing was just BIZARRE, complete with laser pointer.
and in church no less. *laughing*
the guy is a neuro psychologist.....or something.....pathologist?
i'm not really sure.
but he wears little round glasses and paisley bow ties and really fancy leather dress shoes with intricate stitching on them.
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Fallyn said on Jul 21, 2008....
oh...and she was cremated not buried...and the cremation happened right away....they didn't wait six months to cremate her. -
moonriver said on Jul 21, 2008....
Yeah, little round glasses. And when the light strikes them from a certain angle, they turn into two white discs that hide his ice-cold eyes and send shivers up your spine. Brrr. Black comedy nonpareil. Lol.
Cremated. Now I understand. I had thought the funeral house was willing to harbor a 6-mo old mummy. Sorry for the irreverence. My bad. Lol.
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Fallyn said on Jul 21, 2008....
*laughing* i don't think she would have liked the funeral very much.
i don't think she liked her son in law all that much either.
now we make all kinds of jokes about power point.
i mean....really....who ever heard of doing a funeral in power point?
let alone with outlines.....actually LABELED "OUTLINE"
who the hell outlines a funeral ANYWAY!?
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moonriver said on Jul 21, 2008....
*can't stop laughing*
A funeral in powerpoint is ridiculous enough. But one with outlines? Did the slides also have those cute little transitions where the letters pranced in and tumbled out? Lol.
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CayenneMan said on Jul 21, 2008....
Fallyn I hope you made it through all of this ok and I'm sorry about the passing of your great aunt. But what you have here are the main ingredients for the beginning of a hiliarious weekly sitcom series. And I'm not kidding. -
queenparanoia said on Jul 21, 2008....
fallyn every family has skeletons in the closet. youre no different from people around the world... so dont give yourself a hard time... and by the way the funeral was bizzarre alright... and just proves that youre the only normal one in the family... -
uniquely-ironic said on Jul 21, 2008....
wow, that was something. I have to say that I agree that your family is a piece of work. I had to laugh at "chasing chickens". That's been something my own daughter has done to any manner of bird since birth, and I can't seem to break her of it. -
wishyouwerehere said on Jul 21, 2008....
OK - as a professor, I am pretty addicted to power point presentations, but I am sure I would have found the self-restraint to refrain at a funeral! OMG. I am so sorry about your loss, Fallyn, but this is too funny (yet bizarre)I want accordian music at my funeral - and perhaps some chicken chasing! My family would have probably enjoyed the power point, but they would have made handouts too in case anyone wanted to take notes! -
wombat said on Jul 21, 2008....
How did they do funerals before the advent of the computer age and powerpoint presentations?I am so bewildered here....You sound like you came from the same kind of roots I did--a hodgepodge of people of all kinds, but you are doing well in understanding it all and dealing with it.(and I grew up chasing chickens and using an outhouse.)(just laughing as it reminded me of the post that led to the phrase "chicken skrews...." the other day, somewhere.....ha...) -
Fallyn said on Jul 21, 2008....
moonriver....no....but they had bullets! and the last screen was actually titled "SUMMARY"
cayenne......i would do it. *grin*....but i'd have to live with being disowned by my mother. *GRIN*
queen....i am NOT normal. *grin* ...and that's okay....i'm just not the same brand of strange the rest of them are.
U-I the one particular chicken was named Shroeder. he was MEAN....and a great big rooster.....my dad ended up giving him to the neighbors.....and i very unknowingly asked "don't they have any shildren for him to peck?" ...i was 3.
i didn't find out till i was about 14 that they'd had him for dinner. *laughing*
wish.....my loss isn't horrible. she was ready. she was tired. it was her time. i'm happy she didn't have to drag on for any longer.
and oh YEAH! that reminds me....there WERE handouts too with the outline ....er....outlined on them. *laughing*
wombie.
i miss that little cabin. i still go up to see it sometimes......though the current and previous owners after us fixed it up a LOT since we lived there.
i still remember my mother yelling at my dad till he agreed to haul buckets of water up into the house for her to wash clothes with. she had an old wringer washer than ran off a generator.
i was potty trained in an outhouse. which shows you even MORE where my mothers resentment has stemmed from.
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moonriver said on Jul 21, 2008....
There were handouts of the powerpoint presentation? Now THAT takes the cake.
And psst, my kids were all potty trained in an outhouse that had orchids and other epiphytes hanging about, a microniche that harbored lizards, ants and spiders crawling around. So I'm proud to say my kids are also bug-resistant. Lol.
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Fallyn said on Jul 21, 2008....
yes, there were.....and SEPARATE from the little memorial note that was passed around with her favorite poem on it.
*grin* yeah....snakes, bugs, spiders, lizards, worms....i'm not easily bothered.
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moonriver said on Jul 21, 2008....
If I was there, I would have asked for a copy of the Ppt file too, and say, "I never felt so inspired and uplifted in my life. Can I copy the file, so that I can replay the slides at home whenever I feel blue?" ... :-)
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Fallyn said on Jul 21, 2008....
*FALLING OVER LAUGHING*
so you can learn that the population of "wherever" minnesota was 300 and falling.......or that the population of whereever Iowa is holding steady at 2000?
or that the word summary doesn't belong at a funeral?
*laughing*
bullets. i mean....my god.
an outline with friggin BULLETS.
i want my eulogy to NOT be clinical for gods sake.
jeez.
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moonriver said on Jul 21, 2008....
i hope it didn't have bibliographic notes.
but, on second thought, whenever you cite minnesota demographics, you need to include bibliographic notes. lol.
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Fallyn said on Jul 21, 2008....
*giggling*
actually....they had them "available upon request"
Comment on "by request, my great aunts funeral"
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