The problem was now how to tell this man, that his long distance lover was going to have a baby. His life was complicated, he was a refugee, his mum and dad were still in shock from having to flee their home, his brother was 12, his sister lived in USA, and he had no real job. Things had cooled down a little between us, not becuase our feleing had changed, it was the distance and lack of money, I was working 3 jobs and living in a bedsit in plymouth, with an outside toilet! and he was living with his terminally depressed parents. I decided the best things to do was to write rather than phone and then he would have time to digest the information at his own pace before he reacted to me, I couldnt bear the thought of seeing his face fall. So I took the cowards way out and wrote him a letter, where the page ended....and guess what...... and on the top of the next page....Im pregnant.
I sent it of and waited, and waited , and waited. HE DIDNT CALL ME, HE DIDNT APPEAR AT MY DOOR......but after about 3 weeks a letter came and it said that he was confused and worried and didnt know what to do and how could he provide for a baby when he couldnt look after himself....and on and on it went and as i read it my heart sank, I thought that this was like a slow death of our relationship on the page in front of me....and then there, stuck on the last page of the letter was a train ticket.
I looked at the date of the ticket, it was for 2 days time....should I go or should I stay? of course I went.
He met me at the train station, looking a little uncomfortable, fasinated by my bump,, but scared to touch it. somehow since finding out about being up the duff, my body had decided that it was ok to now show me what was growing in there and I had developed almost overnight. We went back to his house and there I met his parents for the first time, not the best of meetings, me standing scared and pregnant and him worried about how we would get on, we didnt have many common words between us,but lots of smiling and cups of teas seemed to ease things.The next few days were hard work but ok as we got to know each other a bit moe, his mother feeding e almost constantly.
It was the end of march and in 2 days it was to be new year, a big celbration new clothes to be bought, food to be cooked, but before all that I was taken with his family to see this house in Newmarket, with a shop underneath, they were thinking about buying it and he and I would run it while his mum looked after the baby......
You know when you are on a roller coaster and although you really know everything will be alright, you are convinced that in a moment the car is going to fly off the track at the highest point and u will fall through the air and you have no control over your life....thats what I felt like........here was my life , planned for me I didnt know what to do, I wanted to run screaming out of the building and run away. I bit my lip to stop the tears and nodded and smiled. I can remember the feeling of my heart pounding in my chest and the panic rising.... I pretended to feel faint and left the building. When we got home all talk was of plans and houses and babies, and new years and the plan for tomorrow, new clothes shopping, haircuts etc......when we got ready to go out, I put my small case in the car and as we drove to the town for his haircut I asked him to take me to the train station......I couldnt stay, I just couldnt.... I was 23, and scared I wanted to be alone to think, i felt pressured, bamboozled and backed into a corner... I loved him with all my heart and all my being but.....................
