Its one thing to know that our negative thoughts are manifested in our livcs, but have you ever seen or realized the moment these negative thoughts unfold? I did. And that single “aha” moment summed up my relationships so far.
It all started with an attraction to a cute guy. This guy in his 60s has been contracting with my company. One day last week his son was on the site and my supervisor had sent me out to take the keys to the son. I found the son busy at work and he was a sight to behold. I’ve never been good at telling people’s age so I’d say he was either about my age or younger….heck he coulda been older too but looked oh so yummy since construction work is like working in a gym.
I called out to him and smiled. He walked towards me and said “You were the one who was supposed to bring the keys?” I said yes and walked him around the property to show him what was what. I checked him out and noticed he was not wearing a wedding band. Nowadays that doesn’t mean nothing because I know a bunch of married people who do not wear bands.
Later that afternoon I got to ask the guy a few random questions about the project. I could have been imagining it but I think he was attracted to me. That is when I sighed and thought to myself, “A guy like him does not want me. I’ve got nothing to offer him.” Whoa!!! I was shocked by those thoughts, even as I felt myself holding back, going into my shell. Already I knew I was sending him the “I am not interested” vibe. I’ve never been good at flirting.
At the end of that day, I had analyzed those negative thoughts to death and I was shocked at the conclusion I arrived at. Somehow I believed that I did not deserve an attractive guy like him. I realized that these thoughts were not new to me. Whenever I met a guy who I know would be good to me and for me, I would shut down because I did not believe I deserved someone like that. That is why I always gravitated to men who even though they were sometimes good to me, they were not good FOR ME. I settled because I was afraid of actually being happy with someone my equal. With the man for me.
I am ready for marriage, but that moment of truth made me realize that if I keep pushing the good men away, and if I don’t believe I deserve the love of a good man, I’ll either end up alone or miserably married because I did not allow myself to be loved, and to love the man for me. I may never see this guy again, even though I’ve been thinking of him since, wondering if he is thinking of me. I won’t be too sad if nothing materializes because I think he opened my eyes to what I have been blind to all these years. I need to quit analyzing every man I meet to see if he is husband material anyways.
How do I change this? How do I start giving the right signals to the right man? How don’t I let myself grab that shot at happiness??? And how do I start thinking that I deserve the love and friendship of a good man>? Alls I know is that something has to give….and that something is my negative thoughts.
