when i was 17,,,which was about 30 years ago,,,,argh,,,,,,okkkk....i was a young lady from a small down in south texas.....when i say small town......you better believe it.....the kind of town that everone knows everyone.......back then not everyone had a telephone......especially my family.......so, it took gossip to get around...........there were 9 of us kids and dad had us on welfare all the time......my mom was a stay home mom.....she was so busy most of her life with 9 children......my dad was fairly mean......he would beat u with a belt badly......if u did anything wrong......i had 4 older brothers and 2 older sisters....and each one of them left home when they were 17 too........
when i got into my teens i started to understand a lot more things about my dad......he was very very mean.........there were so many times when i loved/adored him and hated his guts at the same time.......he beat me unmercifully for 30 minutes late one night........i had snuck out of the house and ran down the dirt road to this guys house.........he was the pastors son of all people.........there was a church a block away from where i grew up and one summer him and his family moved to town so the dad could minister at the church.........and when i was 16 i walked everywhere around that town.......even more when i was younger.......lots of stories to tell of that little town and our neighbors that i would like to talk about some day.....but not today........that night that i got beat up by my dad so bad was terrible........i still feel the pain and terror.........anywhooooooooooo...........after about 30 minutes of him beating me and me screaming and begging him to stop and him hitting me with that belt and me sticking out my hands and legs to stop the belt from hitting me on my face and legs and arms........sometimes i get off the story and talk too much about the bad things........ but childhood trauma shapes an impressionable young mind.......so sad.........yeah i snuck out the window late at nights.....i got away with it a bunch of times before that nite.........but i never did it again.....and do you know why.......because it wasn't a year later that i left home.......for good (but i still go visit my dad about once a year........
my older sister was the one that came and got me.......she knew how it was to live in that house with dad........but now in later years i think it made her feel good to stick it to dad by being the one who came and got me and took me away.......okkkkkkk......so i'm out and i stay with my sister for a while...which was great for a while.......then she became a real bitch to be around......she started telling me what to do........she already had a kid so she was stuck at home a lot.....but me......i wanted to fly........fly fly away......i wanted to see the world.....i wanted to party..........so i started going out to clubs and staying over at boyfriends houses and i think she got jealous a lot......probably i didn't want to babysit for her all the time ....which i know is what she wanted.........so i started getting desperate........i found my escape at the unemployment office of all places.........2 months later i was on my way to austin texas.......woo hoo.......big town.........i loved it......i went to a trade school......i lived there in a dormitory.......the thing is....i told you i was from a small town in south texas.......close to the border and the furthest north i had been was maybe 100 miles......i have been far south into mexico but not north........so when i get to the school i am freaked about all the black people there.......no offense to anyone........there were about 500 kids that lived ther and went to school.........but there was a lot of tension between the blacks and the whites.......and we were outnumbered about 10 to 1..........so most all of the white people hung out with each other.....me i hung out with mostly whites.....the dorms were co-ed and i ended up making friends with a couple black girls.......great girls.......the was a lot of tension that you could see in the fights that went on.......mostly the black guy were fighting each other....but there were some interracial fights.........i was with this other whitey one day and we were walking out of the cafeteria and there were a lot of black hanging along the wall along the side of the building.......there was a lot of whistles to me and guys yellign vulgar things......my friend and i turned around and ther were about 20 black guys back there jumping around and yelling things at us that i couldn't understand.........i turned back around and my friend yelled something at them and i just pulled him along and yelled lets go......he turned back around and we started walking a little faster the direction we were going....then all the sudden something hits him on top ot the head really hard.....bounced to the ground and rolled about 10 feet away........i could tell right away it was an apple someone had thrown........i got really mad and my friend started getting scared and holding his head in his hand.....i didn't care any more .....i turned back and and yelled who threw that? then i screamed it..........no one sd anything.......
funny thing happened ........the school board got together and they were so afraid of riots at that point that they sent all the white people home for a week......free of charge......i hadn't been home for 6 months.......as long as i only had to stay a week around dad it would be ok...........but it wasn't........he was just as fake to me as he was the the many visitors we had to our house throughout my childhood.....he was so nice and friendly to these people.......and when the people were gone.......the griping and griping and griping would start.......and my poor mother would sit and listen......i dont remember ever seeing my dad hit my mother........maybe because he took it out on his kids.......and since i'm the 7 kid down i have seen him beat the othersso so so so so sos os so so badly.......why?
a lifetime of abuse festers in the soul..........
