I am an adult, living in an adult body - I try so hard to be an adult- but emotionally, there are many times when I act like a child. I can't count the times in the past several months when I curl up in a blanket, as though I am a child, and I struggle to find the adult within myself to comfort the child within.
I am a product of an abusive, alcoholic, dysfunctional home. I am a survivor of childhood sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I am the child of parents who were both alcoholics. I have suffered from clinical depression my entire life and have also been diagnosed with complex PTSD. I am also anorexic and bulemic and have some traits of BPD.
I never know from one day to the next how I am going to feel or react to a situation. I have been learning to identify *trigger* points for me, and I know some, but there are others, lurking out there... and when they jump out of the darkness at me, I become overwhelmed and the abused child takes over my body and my mind and she goes into survival mode.
I have been told that I am stubborn and willful. My response to this is that if I had not developed those traits I would have never survived to adulthood. All of these things are things I ignored for many, many years - each morning, putting on a mask and pretending to be okay. Living my life for others, putting everyone before myself -because this is what I learned to do as a child - and my feelings mean nothing.
Every morning I look into the mirror and I say to my reflection, "I wish I loved you".
