moonriver posted on Jul 18, 2008
| views: 329
Problem:
There are four hungry kids.
All four are fierce believers in equal rights.
Also, they are equally fierce eaters of bananas.
But there are only two bananas.
So how do you make sure there is peace at the family table during meals?
Solution:
Do nothing as parents.
Make yourself scarce if possible.
Let the kids work it out among themselves.
I bet you’re saying, “That’s a crappy solution, fit only for irresponsible parents.”
Well, you have another think coming, because that’s exactly how my parents dealt with the problem whenever it arose at dinner among us four children.
It arose often enough, not because our parents were so poor as to be unable to provide even just enough food for their growing kids – in fact, Mama could throw a party and invite the whole neighborhood at the slightest pretext – but because they had this notion of the family living as simply and as sparely as possible, like Shaolin monks, so we can save money for other things.
And so, it was a typical situation that we four children had to share two bananas, or two eggs, or two fried fish, or two sausages, or two slices of meat, or two slices of cake – and to do it very fairly, or else bring about World War III. We were given ample servings of rice, vegetable and soup, but the rest of the household food was rationed like we were an Army camp under seige.
(Now that I think of it, perhaps Mama intended it that way. Maybe we were her guinea pigs for a lab experiment on how altruism operates among young and perpetually hungry Homo sapiens, under conditions of imposed adversity.)
Since our parents had their own busy work schedules while we kids had similar school hours, the four of us usually ate together without them on weekdays. At first we fought like cats and dogs for the bigger share at each mealtime. Even when our parents ate with us, Papa would keep on eating quietly, while Mama would simply say to no one in particular, “Stop bickering and learn to share.”
Now if you’ve read my earlier blog about the family tetrahedron, you’ll note that we kids hated quarrels and always found a way to quickly patch them up.
So how did four kids manage to share two bananas peacefully and without parental intervention?
Simple: We adopted the “You slice, I choose” rule.
Holding one banana, Rafael would present the challenge to Isabel, who sat beside him on one side of the table: “You cut the banana in two, I choose the half I like.”
Isabel would sometimes return the challenge if she felt unsure of her precision-cutting ability and feared that Rafael would choose the bigger half if she makes a slight inequality in slicing. “No, bro, this time you slice, I choose.” But sooner or later, they’d have agree who is to cut, and who is to choose. Otherwise, they’d both waive their rights on the uncut banana.
On the other side of the table, Gabriel and I would enter into a similar deal. “You slice, I choose.” Sometimes I volunteered to be responsible for slicing, sometimes I liked to invoke the freedom to choose. Occasionally, Rafael would deal with Gabriel, and I with Isabel.
The procedure that we evolved was deceptively simple but mercilessly logical: if the slicer does it wrongly, the chooser gains, and vice versa. If you make a mistake, you only have yourself to blame.
Bananas, cold cuts, pies and other food items with regular shape and firm texture were not too difficult to halve exactly. But eggs, crumbly cakes, and odd-shaped pieces like fish, posed a real challenge.
We never did succeed in slicing mangoes into equal halves to everyone’s satisfaction, because of the irregular shape and big seed.
What about a bottle of soda pop? Ah, this was a simple one. The “designated slicer” got two glasses of equal shape and size, and poured the bottle’s entire contents alternately into each glass, taking infinite care (like a chemical lab worker) that the liquid reached exactly the same level in both glasses.
The slice-and-choose rule taught us to be exacting but trustful in sharing. We could mentally note slight inequalities in quantities and qualities, and learned to accept them; we had no need for a precision scale to detect and correct milligram differences.
For nearly 10 years of growing up and taking regular meals under one roof, we adopted this rule of thumb, got used to it, and thus ate happy and hearty meals together with minimal fighting and sulking. We became so confident with each other’s capacity to share, that as we grew up, we gradually loosened up and became more flexible in applying the rule.
It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that this rule was like a strong chemical bond that held the tetrahedron firmly in place. (I like to call the four of us as the Tetrahedron, as in an earlier blog.)
One by one, the four of us left the family house, got jobs, married and set up our own homes. Inequalities became more distinct. But the old sharing tradition never left us. Through the years, we continued to support and compensate each other in countless ways.
We applied the same rule pragmatically to take over and manage our parents’ properties as they grew old and incapacitated. We never experienced the ugly quarrels that tore apart families, set sibling against sibling, on issues of inheritance.
I’m recalling these childhood memories, because right now, with Mama leaving a houseful and decades’ worth of personal and family belongings not covered by any will, we are again engaged in the middle-age version of those cute “you slice, I choose” deals we made on the dining table years ago.
This time, it is a bit more complicated, but far from problematic.
We have agreed to divide the entire “family loot” – books, photo albums, memorabilia, ancient furniture, jewelry, art works, other heirloom – into convenient subdivisions divisible by four. A brother suggests that we group everything into 16 “great showcases” of more or less equal value, while Isabel suggests 100 smaller lots where similar items are grouped together. Whichever, we will use a round-robin mode where each of us gets their turn to choose.
We’re not worried that this will cause any quarrel, envy and back-biting. We’re not used to these, remember? We’ve had decades of practice in good-natured “you-slice-I-choose” sharing. In fact, we expect a great deal of fun. We’re like frisky kids again, exercising our rights like our parents taught us 40 years ago.
When that awaited day happens, when the four of us sit down at the old family table to finalize the four-way sharing, perhaps over some wine and a laptop PC showing an Excel worksheet, we won’t be merely “dividing the loot” left by Mama and Papa.
Instead, we will be celebrating a most valuable legacy they left us – our persistence as a tetrahedron, bound for life by a childishly simple sharing rule that we ourselves adopted:
“You slice, I choose.”
Comments
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monkeyboyx said on Jul 18, 2008....
Just tell the kids that monkeyboy ate the bananas,so eat crackers.(silly me!)
I enjoyed this posting,but it made me think.Now my brain is blistered.WW3 is probably coming.Give George Bush a banana!
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monkeyboyx said on Jul 18, 2008....
Now you have me thinking about FOOD! Now I'm hungry! (again).Got a banana!? -
queenparanoia said on Jul 18, 2008....
youre parents are very smart. i wish we could apply this. sadly we children are not as sharing as you guys. especially my brother... anyway i know you guys could share all the stuff your parents left you equally... =) -
catch22 said on Jul 18, 2008....
The *Queen said it so right!
By the way, monkey ate the banana?
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secretlife said on Jul 18, 2008....
and so now you see clearly the lessons your parents taught you- that if you learn to "share" and "trust" from the earliest times, that you carry these with you through your life..........even through times that separate many families.what wise parents you had! -
Me-Myself&I said on Jul 18, 2008....
that was a wonderful read! you sure can tell a good story. thank you very much. have a great full moon! ~see ya -
uniquely-ironic said on Jul 18, 2008....
I use this with my kids and yes, it does teach them to share fairly.Have you considered scanning all pictures so that all may have at the least a copy of all the pictures rather than 1/4? Just a thought. -
Lucytorial said on Jul 18, 2008....
Ohhh as a kid my sister and I were not taught to share like this and I had to learn later in life... such a hard lesson when you're an adult... I think we had it far too god as kids... as for the banana..... lets say that I love to sew my bananas up then peal them into lovely little bite size pieces.. -
brit said on Jul 19, 2008....
This is great asian fire monkey! What a simple rule to live by. Your parents surely taught the tetrahedron well :-)
I'm sensing a theme with you mr monkey! LOL -
hotaka said on Jul 19, 2008....
Moony, for a crazy chinaman you sure write the best of blogs. This was captivating and thought-provoking from beginning to end. And what a great system - You slice, I choose. It does teach something very important - sharing, but also like you pointed out, it teaches one to accept responsibility for one's actions. And that is something sadly lacking these days, especially in western countries where everything can be solved with lawyers and court rooms and lots of money going into pockets it doesn't need to be in.
As for me, I am the "You take first and I'll have whatever is left," guy. I learned to share but I also learned to let the squeeky wheel get oiled even if it meant I would be last to receive.
Hey, you know what? I think I will use your idea in two of my classes and explain it to the other teachers as well. This could be great for our classroom. Usually kids just grab and fight for what they want. "I want the Pokemon pencil!" I'll bring snacks and drinks and see how it works out.
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silverwhisper said on Jul 19, 2008....
how simply & elegantly beautiful that this method that your parents taught you is being used now to figure out how to handle the estate. moon, the symmetry is so beautiful in this.
ed -
moonriver said on Jul 20, 2008....
monkeyboy -- If our parents followed your silly solution, WW3 would have broken out right then and there. It would have been your fault.
Now about giving Dubya a banana, you gave me an idea. Why don't we stick a couple huge ones right up his posterior orifice, with no warning and no lubrication, and then ask him: "Pull 'em out? Or hold 'em right there?" And I don't mean troop deployment policy either. Lol.
Wanna banana? Here, I'm willing to share mine. I slice, you choose, brother.
queenie -- Yeah, I read a few things that suck about your brother. (Grrr! I'm positively bristling right now...) Gimme his email address and I'll teach him a lesson or three about sharing.
My parents were somewhat on the smart side of the gene pool, yeah, I concede that, but I guess they were also lucky to have shared a similar culture that thrived in adversity. Think about a certain ethnic territory well-known for its spendthrift peoples... worse than Scots. Lol. *wink*
catch22 -- Yeah, Queenie knows a few things that others don't. Lol. And btw, in some territories near my present location, monkeys are considered a pest because they often sneak into banana groves and forage among the fruits, especially the ripe bunches ready for harvest. So what do the farmers do? They shoot the monkeys and literally turn them into minced meat, a nice addition to their protein-starved diet. And so the food chain continues... :-)
secret -- Yeah, how true. My sister was in town for a short vacation (she certainly deserved it, after a stressful month), and yesterday evening both of us attended a conference. During the dinner break, she and I got to talk about the forthcoming four-way family raffle. She was practically giving away a few precious items that she knew Sophie loved to get back (because they were her gifts to Mama many years ago) but was reluctant to claim. I had to insist that these items remain among the 100 lots up for grabs among the four of us. What wise parents we had, and what fantastic sister I have!
memyself -- I'm glad you enjoyed the story as much as I had the utmost satisfaction of writing it down for posterity. I'm enjoying the present full moon as much as you do, my friend. Let the werewolf play dead and enjoy his putative demise for a while. Lol. ~see ya
uniquely -- I'm glad to know that you use it with your kids, with good results. As for the idea of scanning all pics so that all may have a copy, yeah, we will come to that but at some later time.
It's actually one issue where I differed with Isabel. I had suggested that the family albums up to a certain cut-off year be the common property of all four sibs, placed in safe storage together with other family archives, and for us to appoint a curator among us who will do the scan-to-CD project. My sister's line of work and interest (she's the family archivist) puts her in the best position to do all these.
But she protests, saying that we're not a library, that she can't be solely responsible for taking long-term custody for all of it. Which is understandable too. I realize that the "you-slice-I-choose" rule also applies to custodial responsibilities. Lol.
So what we'll probably agree on is to divide the albums into four sets, each of us getting one set and taking responsibility of caring for it and sharing in the long-term scan-to-CD project.
lucy -- Yeah, it was good we were brought up on this sharing scheme as kids, but I'm sure it isn't the only great scheme. I know there are other good sharing rules that kids can easily follow, and I was somewhat expecting others to share what rules they followed. A dear friend, for example, told me that as kids, they followed the "flying spatula" rule. Let me ask her first if I can share it here. Lol.
What you said -- cutting up bananas into bite-sized pieces, which are then more easily shared -- is what we did to solve the profound problem of how to cut a mango fruit, or a chicken leg, into two exactly equal pieces.
brit -- Yeah, this rule brought great peace and harmony to our lives as kids. You're sensing a theme in my blogs? What would that be? Clues pls. Thanks, emoticon girl!
hotman -- Very true, man, what you said about lawyers and courtrooms.
In fact, even in our case, we learned a painful experience firsthand about state intrusion when Papa died. Unintentionally, he left a few properties not covered by will ("intestate," in lawyer jargon). At first we thought this posed no problem since we could easily agree on a four-way slice. But our lawyers said, "Nope. Intestate properties are required by law to be divided a certain way. You have no say on this, and the state gets 20 percent." Damn state highway robbery. Lol.
"You get first, I'll have what's left," which you followed, is a good sharing scheme too. In fact it's more mature than our childish "You-slice-I-choose" scheme because it gives more emphasis on trust. As young adults, we sometimes followed your scheme, or its variation, "I'll take what I need, but leave enough for you."
Thank you for your very kind words, my friend, and I hope you can turn this idea into a great classroom exercise.
ed -- I'm glad you pointed this out, my friend. The fact that we are a nice symmetry of four -- not three or five -- greatly helped to make our sharing scheme easy to follow. There's also a certain cyclical wholeness, almost a sense of poetic symmetry, that we now apply this childhood scheme to the serious grown-up business of handling inheritance. I'm thrilled to see how it will turn out.
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brit said on Jul 20, 2008....
mr monkey!! (there, how's that for a clue?!?!) LOL
If I ever have kids, I'm gonna have my kids work it out this way!
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moonriver said on Jul 20, 2008....
brit -- Monkey? That's not a clue. That's a given. Lol. Good luck on having kids... let me know once you start making them bwahahaha... (Geez, I'm so full of bad jokes this morning.)
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beyondtheveil said on Jul 20, 2008....
Well written and with something to learn as usual, mr moon. And it got me to thinking back to those times. I was an only child for the first eleven years, so there wasn't much of this with siblings. My cousins were only children too. We were all taught sharing by parents and probably taught more in school than home.
With this abundance of teaching when we were together visiting, we pulled out the calipers, slide rules and and other meticulous measuring equipment to make absolutely sure the cake was sectioned into perfectly equal parts. How funny. It must be the same everywhere.
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moonriver said on Jul 20, 2008....
beyond -- Lol. I just had to really laugh out loud at your mention of calipers and slide rules. Ah, but you forgot precision weighing scales to ensure exactly 1/2 Wrigley's gum shares, and protractors for 45-degree-angled pizza cuts. Yup, it appears to be an adaptive human behavior... :-)
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moonriver said on Jul 20, 2008....
Oh, btw, friend Beyond -- While I was writing this blog, the first thing I remembered was your piece about pack rats and portents -- admittedly a very different approach even if the basic concern remained the same, how to dispose of decades' worth of accumulated stuff.
My mother and father were both inveterate pack rats -- old magazines, obsolete tools, unrepaired appliances, assorted bric-a-brac... It was my sister who bore the brunt of wading through the countless boxes and shelves. Perhaps our advantage was the very gradual pace of how we lost our parents, thus giving us lead time in separating valuable antique from junk ("grain from the chaff" so to speak).
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beyondtheveil said on Jul 21, 2008....
moon- What I learned is that there is a huge difference in people concerning the two elements of packratism - the worthwhile and the junk. My mother saved things for herself, but at the same time saved with others in mind, especially my daughter.
She saved all her jewelry, which is antique now. She knew my daughter wanted the pictures and stored them in boxes and albums just for her. She carefully wrapped and stored a couple of antique dolls.
My daughter spent endless teary eyed hours going through everything and my wife and I made sure she got all she wanted. During my last trip, I rented her a truck to take all the furniture of her choice back with her. She will, in a way, spend the rest of her life with her grandmother.
My sons were kind of left out in this. They weren't interested in anything left by their grandmother and their grandfather left nothing of value to them. There could have been many things, but they weren't taken care of.
My daughter is going to put together picture albums of the old family for the boys which I'm sure they will want at a later time.
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phie said on Jul 21, 2008....
this reminds me of a similar tradition me and my little sister had when we were kids.but it was more of a swap shop...as little girls with many elderly "great aunties" we often get trinket christmas/birthday presents ie. cheap make up/ jewlerry boxes/ manicure setsits lovely that they bother but very little of it comes to much use!anyway as kids we had much more fun in valuing eachothers gifts and playing swap shop! i would get her pink eyeshadow she could have my blue sparkly box- i doubt any of the stuff ever really got used even after we swapped it but it extended the joy of the present beyond its normal use!that just triggered my memory- thanks =) -
moonriver said on Jul 21, 2008....
beyond -- I liked the way you wrote that last comment, especially about your daughter going through her grandma's legacy. I'd love for you to write a separate blog about it.
Your first sentence (about the two elements in packratism) reminded me of my own packratism. And you know what, often there's a very fine line (blurred gray area?) between antique gem and junk.
There's this cheap ironcast lockbox doubling as piggy bank, in the form of a native clan house, that was used by my mother for years when she was still running the family grocery. My sister's family was about to throw it away as junk some 10 years ago, after Papa died. I salvaged it (among a few other items) from the boxes in the garage waiting for the junk truck.to pick them up. Now it's the centerpiece on my sister's covered terrace.
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moonriver said on Jul 21, 2008....
phie -- I can imagine that. We boys did that too -- trading cards, marbles, toy soldiers, even pet spiders hahaha.
My sister's problem (or is that good luck?) when we were kids was that she's the only girl. She had no one to swap with. But, on the other hand, she had all the girly stuff to herself, while we boys had to guard against each other pilfering through the others' stuff. Lol.
Thanks for dropping by... :-)
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beyondtheveil said on Jul 21, 2008....
You are right, mr moon, about the fine line many times between a gem and junk. Case in point - I mentioned my mother's jewelry when going through her things. She had the jewelry packed in boxes in the corner of the closet. I found them and saw old junk nobody would wear. My wife and daughter spent part of the evening ooing and ahing at every piece, scrutinizing every part.
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moonriver said on Jul 21, 2008....
Beyond -- And here's another one.
Last week, my sibs and I were reviewing the nearly 100 lots up for grabs (my mother's belongings, except books and clothes which are to be handled separately). As we went item by item, our collective memory were jogged back into the past, and we started to ask, "Whatever happened to that certain ...?" about many half-forgotten stuff we took for granted as kids.
My sister emailed us a few days back, saying: "Hey bros, note that Abuela's old china cabinet that's with me now isn't listed. Remember when Mama had it moved out of the old kitchen into the backyard, where it was left to rot in the rain? If you haven't noticed yet, I had it repaired and restored because no one else seemed interested. It's mine now. Finders keepers."
Finders keepers. That's another rule the four of us often invoked, even now that we are middle-aged kids. Lol.
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steppenwolf68 said on Jul 22, 2008....
Hi Moon, again. How come you write such super blogs? You are amaizing! I have long used your method to teach my kids fairness. Super! It works! And Monkey, if you gave W a banana he would probably go hungry 'cause he couldn't figure out how to open it....
Moon, there is an alternative I have sometimes used. I had to cook for friends the other day, an impomptu meal for friends of friends helping them move house. More came than expected. Desert? Looked around and only had a few bananas!
So: In a big frying pan I put some honey, butter and two or three slices of ginger (fresh). Low heat!. This followed by the bananas halved and cut into pieces. Then came a little cinamon and a whisper of black pepper. Stirred and flambied (what's the English ending here?) with rum (at least 40%, but not Stroh Rum) and degrassed (?) with creme before the flame subsided. I put some van. ice cream into serving saucers and put the whole pan onto the table with a big spoon.
There was no fighting. Indeed, no one even spoke!
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beyondtheveil said on Jul 22, 2008....
Anytime you come by my house, I will see that you get the largest piece of pie as honored guest, my wife the medium as lady of the house, and suffering me the smallest.
Eureka!! - see what I've learned all these decades!!
(If you're in werewolf mode, we expect entertainment, though)
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steppenwolf68 said on Jul 22, 2008....
Beyond! Yes, that's what it takes us all those decades to learn! But if you or Moon (Ginger too 'cause she seems to be an exception, in spite of my mistrust) come by my house, both of you will get great big peices.... that is, if my 13 year old daughter doesn't get at it first and gobble it all up! We poor guys! -
moonriver said on Jul 22, 2008....
beyond -- Ah, but I'd refuse that kind of unequal sharing, my friend. I'm not used to it. It goes against the very grain of my egalitarian mind. I would so absolutely refuse it... unless you absolutely insist, in which case I'd reluctantly abide by your wishes. Lol.
Werewolf mode? What's that? (asks question while wolfing down huge piece of pie, and eyeing Beyond's share too) Oh. That. Kindly remind me to dig up his grave when the next full moon comes in hahaha. Yeah, I guess Heath Ledger is setting a trend, huh? Die, then play a joker, and be famous. Lol.
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moonriver said on Jul 22, 2008....
Or should that be, "Play a joker, then die, and be famous."
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moonriver said on Jul 22, 2008....
steppen -- By the scent of it alone, your banana recipe looks absolutely yummy. Even if I'm not a fanatic of vanilla ice cream, I'll have a taste of that too.
When you invite me, Beyond and Ginger into your house, I promise I won't devour anyone unless they positively ask for it. I'll demurely sit in a corner and only eat my assigned share... unless my caveman mode suddenly hits. Lol.
My friend, you always have kind words for this bad-ass fire monkey. I truly appreciate that... :-)
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steppenwolf68 said on Jul 23, 2008....
Moon, I happen to like bad-ass monkeys! I love it when people enjoy themseves. But the van. ice cream is not to be overdone.... just a little to modify the sauce. I didn't on that evening, but often like to add a little whipcream with aroma... like a few drops of Contreau during the last stages of whipping... maybe a little orange zest. But no more! The Italians taught me to keep it simple...
But beware, my daughter eats everything in sight... several times a day!
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moonriver said on Jul 23, 2008....
steppen -- My friend, the way you describe the recipe, the drops of Contreau, the aroma... it makes me swoon with delight... makes me weak in the knees... I wanna be taught by Italians too. The vicarious effect on me is so strong, I'm almost scared to try it myself. Lol.
I look forward to meeting your family... while keeping in mind that caveat about your daughter's voracious appetite... :-)
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steppenwolf68 said on Jul 23, 2008....
Yes, Moon, I would love to sit you down and let you enjoy your life. Maybe one day fate will be kind to us! So, keep in mind, you are always welcome wherever I might be. So nice to hear from you so soon. Now I feel good enough to get busy and do some work. Thank's, Moon. -
purrrplej said on Jul 25, 2008....
What a great post! Very touching. -
seer said on Jul 29, 2008....
nice post, its rare to see good parenting.
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