I had a bit of a wierd experience last night.I drove tha car home as normal and drove into the complex that I live ina dn I was in pretty high spirits,as I realised that the weekend was only a day away.It would give me a chance to churn over that ridiculous excuse for a concerned email I got from my folks during the week.
So I parked the car in front of the garage as usual,the neighbours kids were playing in the road,and shouted and screamed as I drove past as they do every day.
Got out of the car,and headed into the simplex,put my bag down and headed for the loo,as I always do - its a bit of along drive to get home ( lol ),got a 'oh you're home' headbutt from my cat as I walked through the lounge,and 2 steps away from the bathroom doorway it happened...................
The worst back spasm I have ever had in my life.I cried out in pain - it felt like some one had pushed a red hot poker down my spine from the top,and they were trying to reach my feet.I froze,not daring to move in case I tore one fo the muscles.My feet stuck firmly to the floor.I felt weak,I couldnt stand it - I reached out looking for the nearest thing to hold on to - feeling like biting on to a handkerchief as the bones are rebroken to be put back into place correctly.
The door frame of the bathroom.I held on tight and squeezed,though at the time it felt like I was going to crush it altogether.
It persisted for nearly 3 minutes,it felt like my back was on fire - it came without warning,and went as quickly as it came.Trying to concentrate on putting my fingers through the door frame - i didnt realise that it had subsided completely.
I needed to move - but I couldnt - I was scared.It was times like this that I wished I had someone in my life that was here with me NOW,some one to help me,some one for me to lean on when i needed them,and still be there for them when they needed me - but that was not the case.I think I did a good enough job of being stubborn about everything in my life,and not getting the point 4 years ago when my wife was taken away from me - I should have let the penny drop then - but I didnt.Silly me.............
I finally got up the courage to move.One baby step after another,after another - and then I made it to the bed.Its normally 3 steps and about 2.8 seconds away - but it took what seemed like forever.Exhausted from the effort and holding the wall as i went.I gingerly lay down on the bed,trying to lay down as straight as possible and trying not too move.
That had never happened before,and as far as I am concerned it doesnt have my permission to happen again.
But thats not the point,is it?
I am not supposed to be stubborn about it anymore - its not helping.I guess the only thing I am stubborn about these days is this infernal condition.I hate it,and I wish it would go away........and never come back.
What did I do that was so horribly wrong to deserve this?
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cuppajava posted on Jul 18, 2008
| views: 93
Comments
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secretlife said on Jul 18, 2008....
you did nothing to deserve this.nothing.i wonder sometimes the same things about my sister's condition- why her? why such a horrible fate?there are not answers to this- because there's nothing you did to cause what's happening to you.nothing.you can't change what is. you can lament it.....you can question God and fate-or you can accept, and try to make choices every day to make the best of what you have.i'm sorry you're going thru all of this stuff alone. that must add to the pain you feel immensely.i hope today is a better day for you. -
cuppajava said on Jul 18, 2008....
Hi Secret' - thank you for the comment.I do appreciate your thoughts,and I do hope that your sister is ok.
I am not sure how I ended up with this condition.Its a natural progression from spina bifida,or so I have been told.No one in my dad or my mum's side of the family has had it - so i am not sure how i have been blessed with it.The doctors maintain that the only reason why I have got this far, is due largely to my level of fitness,and the fact that I have tried to look after myself for the most part.
I have been doing road running as a sport for the past 25 years - as I cannot do contact sports.I did karate,rugby and soccer as a teenager,but my folks put a stop to that after a while.But road running was something I always enjoyed - so i stuck with it.I have managed to complete the Comrades marathon (86kms) 5 times in the
process - i wanted to do 6,but number 6 is going to have to wit until next year I think.Well I hope so anyway.!!!
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wishyouwerehere said on Jul 19, 2008....
Hey CJ - I hope you are feeling better today. I know the temptation is to look for some sort of moral significance in our suffering, but clearly, the state of the world is enough evidence to show that people don't always get what they may deserve, good or bad, and as Secret said, you haven't done anything that would merit this type of pain.I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting - Wish -
Ownedgalbabs said on Jul 19, 2008....
CJ:
I agree with secretlife, my friend. You did nothing wrong to deserve this! Nothing! I wish I could explain the seemingly unexplainable things in life, but I cannot. My therapist is always yammering about how some believe, that we choose our lives from before we are born. He then further commented on how many reply, "Chose our own lives? Why the hell would I have chosen this one?" and his reply is always along the lines of, "well spiritualist believe that our entire purpose is to evolve and a challenges in life bring about evolution."
Your condition, CJ, is not how you are defined but it has altered the way you see yourself and the world around you....and from my interactions with you, I'd say has likely made you the good natured, caring and good soul that you are. That you could be a bitter and nasty person, but from my communications with you, the exact opposite is true.
I do wish you well. I do hope that the pain never again occurs. Or at least that, if it does, it is a very long time from the last episode.
Though it may be a small consolation, you know where to find me, should you wish to vent or need a supportive word or two.
hugs,
babs
Comment on "last night was ...................strange"
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