I have had suicide touch my life several times. The first time was when I was 15. My best friend at the time was living with her Aunt and Uncle because her parents were facing charges of abuse and neglect. While in their care she was being sexually abused by her Uncle. No one listened to her. She called me on the phone, playing Lita Ford "Don't close your eyes" and pulled the trigger. As much as I hated what had happened...I understood. I knew that had many more years of abuse before she was ever going to be free and some people are never free really.
Then suicide touched my life again. We had spent our early adult life together. He was with a good friend to my X and later became his best friend. I had my first child, then they had theirs. The girls were close in age and we spent many hours in each others home. They split up...then we split up. I didn't talk to him for a long time. Out of nowhere he called from my X's. It was a shock to hear his voice. He took my number and I never expected to hear from again. To be honest we were never really chatty. We had our moments in which we talked each other through a rough situation but, that was about it. A couple of months before I heard the news he called. It was a simple conversation. He talked about coming to see me and the kids. I never really thought that would happen. He apologized for something he said years before that had really hurt me. He promised to keep in touch...not let so much time pass. It was a normal conversation. I didn't know anything was wrong even though it was so completely weird for him to call me. Then I got the news. I couldn't understand. I still have a hard time understanding because he had a child...a beautiful child. He was young and in charge of his own future. I look back and can see that conversation in a completely different way and maybe I am reading more into than it really was because I wish so badly that we could have saved him.
Today, I got a call saying that my friend, a mother of two teenagers took an overdose of pain medication. They don't expect her to make it. Her children will be entering their sophmore and senior years of high school. I was at her house a few weeks back. We spent several hours setting in the backyard just talking about life. She seemed happy. I just don't understand it.
Even though at one point in my life, I sat on the other side of the door with a gun in my mouth as my young children played in the other room. I begged to have the courage and strength to pull the trigger. I know what it is like to feel that total despair...no hope.
I couldn't do it, I couldn't do that to my children. I am not sure that I understand how they could do that to their kids. It angers me.
I miss my childhood friend. She was wild and crazy. Willing to say and do anything for a laugh.
I miss T. because sometimes he would just say or do something so off the wall and unexpected. He was very passionate about people he loved and cared for. I always saw him as the one who was going to go really far out of the four of us. He had the opportunity for the brightest future.
I will miss M. She was full of sarcastic humor. She understood my parenting struggles. We had daughters that we butted heads with on a daily basis. We shared alot of the same parenting ideas.
