The day I had dreaded for so long finally arrived yesterday. On Saturday, my father was admitted into a hospice. Yesterday, he died. He passed shortly after 2 p.m. after he had seen the whole family.
I tried to remain even-keeled during the whole process, but my mother, who doesn't handle conflict well, turned a cold shoulder to me right before he died. Even now, she doesn't treat me like she did before, and I am utterly confused.
I know she is grieving, but I don't think it gives her the right to cast me out as a member of the family.
What do you think?
starlightstarbright posted on Aug 14, 2006
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Comments
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silverwhisper said on Aug 14, 2006....
i'm so sorry to hear that, starlight, all of it. my deepest condolences on the passing of your father, and also of course on your mother's reaction. obviously, she is handling her grief poorly. i was really hoping i wouldn't have to post this comment for some time. :< ed -
Weird_World said on Aug 14, 2006....
Maybe she is in shock... Happens a lot of times... When my dad expired I went under shock, and stayed there for years... Somehow I felt my life has stopped, when no one else's has... Give your mom some time... Take care of yourself Adious S -
realmenluvporn said on Aug 14, 2006....
Starlight, my condolences, sincerely. Give your mom some time, it's too early to make any conclusions. Give her some space and respect her grieving process. And take extra good care of yourself through this journey. Q -
Heartwalker said on Aug 14, 2006....
Dear star, My prayers for your father.May His soul rest in peace... I am praying for you and your mother too to get over the grief and to carry on with strength.Peace. yours truly Heartwalker. -
secretlife said on Aug 14, 2006....
Starlight: I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad he passed after you all had a chance to see him. I think that must help a little bit. Forgive your mother. For each of us, loss is different; grieving is different. Go thru the process with your family. Just be there. Try not to say anything that might start an argument. Often words said at times of great emotion can separate families forever. I wish you strength in this hard time. -
cornflakegirl said on Aug 14, 2006....
i'm so sorry to hear about your loss. (((((((starlight))))))) allow your mother some time to heal, she's experiencing a wide range of emotions right now. she'll come around and you can then comfort each other. i wish you the best, hunny. -
Zayda said on Aug 14, 2006....
starlight, i am terribly sorry to hear of your loss. my condolances to you and your family. -
carlolala said on Aug 14, 2006....
My condolences.I pray the the lord God almighty will see you through this moment. People do interpret things differently and i believe your mother will surely be over her grief soon....but she needs your support more than you may think.Give her some time to recover. -
coollinux said on Aug 14, 2006....
My condolences upon reading your post. I lost my foster parents when I was in 20s years. Be strong always. Death comes upon human race. It's the cycle of life. -
missfickle said on Aug 14, 2006....
People deal with death in different ways. Without knowing what relationship you had with your mother before it is really difficult to give a difinative answer. I feel for you and your family at this time. Yes your mum is suffering but so are you. Sometimes though people have to deal with grief alone. This may not be easy for you to understand now, but in time hopefully things will become clearer. I speak from experience. Try not to take your mums behaviour too personally, I know thats easier said than done, but honestly, death does strange things to those left behind. God bless you and your family. I hope your wounds heal quickly please look after yourself. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx -
pinkjellybeans said on Aug 14, 2006....
I wish there was something that I could say in order to take some of the ache from your chest. But, I am a stranger to you and maybe I can do no good. All I can say, starlight, is that you are being thought of, genuinely, by all of us here who taken the time to post, and I am sure others who haven't as yet. My heart sank when I read your post. You are dealing with double grief and I am sad for you. Sending you sincere thoughts and best wishes. PinkJellyBeans -
allaroundgirl said on Aug 14, 2006....
I am so sorry. Even when expected death can cause incredible blows. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. I'm sorry your mother reacted that way but everyone deals with grief in different ways. She'll come around and in the meantime feel free to vent here. We are all here for you. -
JadeLondon said on Aug 14, 2006....
I am so sorry, Starlight. I know that does little to numb the pain... Your mother, well, I can only hope that she comes to her senses and realizes that you, too, are still living and you need her. But right now, she really needs you, even if she doesn't realize it. She is probably mad at the whole damn world right now, and unfortunately because you are there, you are the recipient of her anger. Just love her and continue to give a shoulder to cry on. Hopefully she will thaw, so that you can share your grief and heal together. -
Root said on Aug 14, 2006....
It's so hard when people retreat into different grieving modes. So hard. My heart goes out to you in your loss. You are probably both in shock, come to think of it. Are you Irish? Irish know how to have a good funeral. -
durianshortcake said on Aug 14, 2006....
My sincerest condolences. My father passed away 10 months ago, and I can still feel the pain. I wish your mom would realize that you are also hurting. Hope you get to patch things up. Be strong for each other. -
lidstrom82 said on Aug 14, 2006....
Starbright, I think you've done as well as you can with what you've got, with a hard family situation and stepping out on your own. Under grieving and stress, we will say and do things we wouldn't normally do. I think your mother is really conflicted because while she might feel you abandoned her and your dad by moving, you're all she's got left now. The two of you have a great chance to heal and develop a stronger relationship now, with some healthy distance so that she can grow out of dependence. starbright, I think the things your mother depends on can only be filled by God, because looking for those things in you has really put a strain on your own life. God heals broken people, and most of us are broken when losing a loved one. It might be the best thing for your mom and anyone she might be dependent upon otherwise. My wife and I are praying for the grieving to be healthy, and for the best situation to come out of your father's death. -
Chazman80 said on Aug 14, 2006....
May you and your family find peace in this time. -
ayinkurie said on Aug 14, 2006....
My condolences. I know its hurting you most. When you needed her most and she turned you away. Give her some space to breath. And for yourself, look for the brighter sight. Take a great care of yourself. You may be the one she needed most in one of these days, kay. -
the_infernal_optimist said on Aug 14, 2006....
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your mom may come around in time. Pain does some strange things to people. ((hugs)) -
pinkblush said on Aug 14, 2006....
my condolences to u and your family. time will heal, i hope your mom will find that she still have you. -
livinglife said on Aug 14, 2006....
I cannot say I know what you are going through but I can only imagine the pain. As far as your mother she's probably hurting so badly right now and has no idea on how to handle this situation. That was her husband for "x" amount of years, the man of life, the father of her children and now he's gone. I know you are hurt and this may not be the correct way to say it, but you must still try to be strong for your mother. If she seems distant, just remind her that you are still here. She still has family and friends that will support her. I don't know what I would do if I lost my father. Can't even begin to think. I send my condolences and prayers to your family in this time of need. -
CreativeWoman said on Aug 14, 2006....
Starlight, My deepest sympathies. Everyone deals with grief differently. We all hurt in different ways. I hope that you have someone around you who can hold you up during this sorrowful time. Just do little things for your mom to let her know you care. Maybe she will come around. Remember that you have to take care of you too. -
yuyutsu said on Aug 14, 2006....
Dear Starlight My heart felt sampathy for the demise of you you father.May almighty allow his soul to rest in eternal peace, be the support of your mother you will cast in her heart -
youmylifesong said on Aug 14, 2006....
Starlight, my prayers. I am a pastor, and losses such as death of someone we love dearly brings us sometimes into denial, and we can lash out at people we love because of familiarity, because we know we can get away with it when we come through. If you have God it makes the journey more supportive within. It takes time to heal. Grieve but maybe try looking out for your mum for she gave her life to live with your dad - her loss in that sense is more profound; and greater. Think for her, and of her at this time, and I hope by your taking attention off yourself to your mum's grief, you will find healing by giving. I too have lost my dad, many years ago, but sometimes I still miss him. I do now as I read of your loss, but he is OK, for he found God, and is now with Him. This comforts us tremendously. Forgive me if I sounded religious. It is a matter of faith. Peace be with you. -
fdesigner88 said on Aug 14, 2006....
starlight, dont worry too much of whats going on to your mom and your relationship.. sometimes we have to understand things even how hard it seems to understand and accept them. just bear in mind that whatever your family goes through, its always your parents who'll be worrying a lot and will be hurt too much. now that your father's g0ne, imagine how your mom will overcome such problems and circumstances alone? togeher with you? and the rest... your mother will overcome this for sure, but it is not easy. when it hurts you when your father died, how much more your mother felt? just dont stop giving her comfort and express your love to her. it will help her move on. we're praying for you. condolence and God bless you -
caliqueen said on Aug 14, 2006....
starlight - i am so very sorry for your loss. from your previous posts, it seems perhaps your mother may be fearful that you will leave her next? prove to her that your love for her is stronger than that, and hopefully she will come around in time. we all keep you and your family in our thoughts... -
mysterious said on Aug 15, 2006....
My deepest condolences to you and your family... Take care -
Ms`Ma|ambing said on Aug 15, 2006....
star.. im sorry for your loss.. be strong! take care.. -
quidnunc said on Aug 15, 2006....
do accept my sincerest condolences to you and your family... i offer my prayers for the eternal repose of the soul of your father... take care! -
ayes said on Aug 15, 2006....
i'm so sorry to hear about your loss... -
Elevator said on Aug 15, 2006....
I'm awfuly sorry for your loss mate. Your mum cold very well be in shock. People will react different. When my mum lost her dad we were the two people that were there and we held hads for an hour, hardly any words said. The best thing you can do is tell her you love her and that you are there for her. She will come around. My condolences. -
manikc4 said on Aug 15, 2006....
I convey my deepest condolences at the sad demise of your father.May God give you the courage to overcome the tragedy.And to your relationship with ur mom, give her some time to recoup from this grief.You know, Time is the greatest healer.I do hope & expect everything turn out normal in due course of time -
meggs said on Aug 15, 2006....
very very sad))) you did well to write about it so soon. your mum will be ok...just a bit of time is all she needs...just be nice to her and eventually she'll see how strong and kind you are. -
chaime said on Aug 15, 2006....
my condolences..i recently lost my dad too.. just last june, so somehow i know what your feeling. and upto now, I still can't believe that he's gone... Your mom might be grieving in her own way... Just try to understand her, she just lost her husband and that is not easy to accept. Just be there for her (and your family). I think that is the only thing you can do.. Just be there. Again my condolences. -
bhalah said on Aug 15, 2006....
dead,dead,dead, what is behaind, what wont you as, when u appear sudenly when is, or not, expectfull , for eny to died,, or for me to live whith one less...Did he finish his circl'? do they have to finish his circl? Hope every thing well done... -
ohtidak said on Aug 15, 2006....
my condolences.. i never had a chance to even see my father.. he passed away before i was born -
Alyss said on Aug 15, 2006....
My condolences. Sometimes people behave totally irrationally when they have been bereaved and say things which they later (hopefully) regret. -
Jenna said on Aug 15, 2006....
I am so sorry for your loss. Everyone handles grief in a different way. Perhaps your mom is in so much pain she cannot share, touch, reach out to anyone. Perhaps she has crawled into a deep place inside her and is just trying to put one foot in front of the other. Give her time while taking care of yourself. A book I found very helpful during loss in my life is called, "Living When A Loved One Has Died." I think that is the title. It is by Earl Grollman. I know it is hard to see the rest of the world continue on as usual when your world has changed so drastically. Again, I offer my deepest sympathy. Take care of you and God Bless -
iciabruxelles said on Aug 15, 2006....
My deep condolences. Be patient with your mother, remember you always have your fiancee who loves you unconditionally... -
FriendsForever said on Aug 15, 2006....
My condolences, just bear with your mother, my mother was also indifferent when my father died. Just let her be and don't be hurt by her actions coz she's already hurting. -
Amalia said on Aug 15, 2006....
Condolences. You have to stay strong and to keep your peace of mind. Patience with your mother. God bless you and your family. -
digitaldreamer said on Aug 15, 2006....
My heartfelt condolences......May GOD be on your side ,to sooth your pain. Be strong and give your mother all support even if she misbehaves to you, this will definitely help the ice melt. "GOD Bless You" -
threetablesbeach said on Aug 16, 2006....
As long as you hold his memory, he is alive within you. I hope all your memories of him are good ones. Give your mother time to grieve, she lost her partner. -
tifa said on Aug 22, 2006....
I'm really sorry for your loss..at the rist of sounding redundant..give your mom some space, but still be there for her..she might think she doesnt need you, but she does. It must be the hardest thing for her...be strong. take care