my heart is a fragile thing.
and i try to control it...but usually it ends up getting the better of me.
such as this past week.
the guy is working for my dad....and staying with me.
i've grown awfully fond of him.
i feel comfortable with him in a way that i never have been able to with anyone before.
however.
the past makes me sad.
this is a person i once gave my heart to. and as i've learned, once the heart is given away it is so very hard to take it back again....even when the person you've given it to doesn't want it any more.
now, i'm not sure this is the case with him....in fact i have no clue of his feelings towards me at all.
and i'm too scared to push the matter.
it would hurt horribly to be rejected by this person.
and the last conversation we had on the matter it was left that neither of us burns bridges and there might be something possible in the future.
well....the future is an awful long way away.
i miss being able to tell him how i feel.
i love him.
i care for him.
possibly to much?
is it wrong to love someone and receive very little in return?
i was taught that this is not wrong as a child but then recent things....such as the experience with my ex have taught me that you must look out for yourself.
i don't like looking out for myself.
i like being able to put myself out there and trust that things will work out.
but look how badly it turned out before.
i still don't know if h's gotten over me "choosing" my ex over him. ....which i never consciously did.....but i admit i was unhealthily attached to my ex for reasons i absolutely cannot explain.....
it doesn't make sense to me either and it makes me cry to think of it.
i'm sure it makes even less sense to this guy.....if that's even possible.
*shrug*
i love him.
comfortably.
that's all there is to it.
i just wish the feeling didn't hurt.
a couple nights before he left for the weekend (he's coming back for a week monday morning) i couldn't control the emotion.......
i was melancholy and a bit emotional.
i lit a bunch of candles cause that makes me feel better and was laying on my bed just watching the flames with tears running down my face. not crying hard or anything.....just....silently emotional.
he came in and wrapped himself around me wondering what was wrong.
i know he cares for me.
but i couldn't tell him what was wrong......cause being a guy ...and being him...he'll want to fix it.....but he can't without loving me.
and if he loves me he will......because he wants to....
not because he wants to fix my tears.
i wish i could love without wanting love in return.
i hate it that it hurts.
Fallyn posted on Jul 13, 2008
| views: 101
Comments
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wombat said on Jul 13, 2008....
i wish i could love without wanting love in return.Copied and pasted that line...that's a keeper.
We all strive for that, then again, so is the other person.
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Fallyn said on Jul 13, 2008....
*nods* that's the hardest part....the love he describes that he wants is exactly how i want to love him.....i don't think he can get past in his head that we're 4 hours apart.
my guess is that he won't let himself love me because it would be too hard to be that far apart.
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wombat said on Jul 13, 2008....
Makes you wonder.....time distance does not rule true love in my book. But I do understand, really. I went through something similar. -
Fallyn said on Jul 13, 2008....
it doesn't mine either.
time spent is time spent......near or far apart.....
the longing to touch someone physically only makes it sweeter when it does happen.
but i know some people.........have no patience when it comes to not having instant gratification.
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wombat said on Jul 13, 2008....
I am an "instant gratification" person myself, ha. But true love comes in a bigger package than that. -
wombat said on Jul 13, 2008....
I don't mean to make light of anything-----I am just not in the right zone to offer advice, so I will back off. I wish you luck. And thank you for talking to me at all. I am not so not in sync right now. Have a good one, and hope to see you around later.Wombie off. -
Fallyn said on Jul 13, 2008....
complicated things suck. *pouting*
do you ever wish you could just lay yourself bare so someone could see inside you and see what's really there? but are scared to because they may not like what they find?
but you know that you are true and want them to see it?
or did that even make any sense?
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wombat said on Jul 13, 2008....
It makes perfect sense. I held onto my current when we met, when we first slept together....He asked, " Could we get much closer?" I answered, "I'm trying."You have to know who you are clinging to, I guess. -
Fallyn said on Jul 13, 2008....
*nods*
always the quest to get closer.
i have discovered i don't much like being alone.
and yet, i do.
i can handle being actually alone....so long as i know i'm not "alone"
i don't know how to say it.
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wombat said on Jul 13, 2008....
Marry a truck driver....ha.......Have a wonderful night! (I say as I believe I am going.....) -
queenparanoia said on Jul 13, 2008....
i wish i could love without wanting love in return.i copy and paste it too... we all do this... it's just make us human...i know it's hard loving.. you know the kind where you just love and expect nothing in return. but were humans so we strive to be love in return...hope you feel okay now... =) -
Fallyn said on Jul 14, 2008....
i feel okay.
i'm just me.
the whole thing has just got me thinking.
wombie......you're fine. no worries. *HUGS* i feel so off most of the time it's not funny.
just hang out and be off with me.
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MillerLight said on Jul 14, 2008....
i will just comment on one thing i saw that you wrote and that is try to forget the past. the past is the past, doesn't matter anymore, it is in the past. -
Fallyn said on Jul 14, 2008....
both the good and the bad, yes
that's the part that hurts. because we were SO close......and cared so deeply for each other
and then things happened that i can't even make sense of.....and it went all haywire.
and now it hurts.
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