Q. For as long as the relationship has lasted, I never thought of loving anyone else. The thought would have been unthinkable. Of course we all have sexual fantasies, but my heart has always been with my current partner. But now my thoughts are gradually turning to someone else and I am not sure how to deal with that. Is that normal?...
A. Everything we do in our lives that do not physically harm someone else is 'normal'. We cannot make life into what we want by forcing behaviour, otherwise the stress will come out in other harmful ways. We are growing, evolving human beings. We are not robots who fall in love one day, but are incapable of falling in love the next. In fact, just because we are married or love someone else, that does not shut down our bodies to have feelings for another. It is social control and personal responsibility which stops us acting on how we feel. Falling in love is dictated by attraction and attraction is governed by three primary elements: physical, emotional and intellectual. Perhaps one, two or all three of those are currently missing from your relationship why you would find someone else attractive. I agree that exploring your current relationship to see if those aspects can be recovered might be helpful, and without mentioning anyone else. But I disagree that such exploring will necessarily save the marriage. If the attraction is gone for whatever reason, it cannot be manufactured, and no amount of discussion will make it right. That is to simply deny how you feel.
People in long relationships forget one crucial thing: that they are not the same person years later as the ones who got married. We are developing every step of the way, both physically and emotionally. The way we feel, our aspirations, our dreams are likely to be very different at 40 than they were at 25. It means that we will desire new experiences, new stimuli and new people, especially if our partners haven't really grown with us and have lost their appeal. Hanging on to something which is bringing little joy and for the sake of it merely causes far more stress than both people seeking new happiness.
Your feelings for your partner is normal too. You have lived together a while and it is natural to feel loving and close to them. But it sounds as though you are not in love with her, hence why you are drawn to someone else. The problem with such feelings is that once they begin to affect you they will never go away. If you do not resolve them, those feelings are likely to keep moving from one person to another until you begin an affair. They indicate a yearning to be desired and wanted which might be missing from your current relationship. Only you know your situation and what feels right for you. No one else. And only you have the answer to how you should act from now on.
The only advice I would give is that our instincts are the most powerful sources of direction in our lives. You should follow whatever feels right for you because life has a way of sorting itself out, one way or another.
A. Everything we do in our lives that do not physically harm someone else is 'normal'. We cannot make life into what we want by forcing behaviour, otherwise the stress will come out in other harmful ways. We are growing, evolving human beings. We are not robots who fall in love one day, but are incapable of falling in love the next. In fact, just because we are married or love someone else, that does not shut down our bodies to have feelings for another. It is social control and personal responsibility which stops us acting on how we feel. Falling in love is dictated by attraction and attraction is governed by three primary elements: physical, emotional and intellectual. Perhaps one, two or all three of those are currently missing from your relationship why you would find someone else attractive. I agree that exploring your current relationship to see if those aspects can be recovered might be helpful, and without mentioning anyone else. But I disagree that such exploring will necessarily save the marriage. If the attraction is gone for whatever reason, it cannot be manufactured, and no amount of discussion will make it right. That is to simply deny how you feel.
People in long relationships forget one crucial thing: that they are not the same person years later as the ones who got married. We are developing every step of the way, both physically and emotionally. The way we feel, our aspirations, our dreams are likely to be very different at 40 than they were at 25. It means that we will desire new experiences, new stimuli and new people, especially if our partners haven't really grown with us and have lost their appeal. Hanging on to something which is bringing little joy and for the sake of it merely causes far more stress than both people seeking new happiness.
Your feelings for your partner is normal too. You have lived together a while and it is natural to feel loving and close to them. But it sounds as though you are not in love with her, hence why you are drawn to someone else. The problem with such feelings is that once they begin to affect you they will never go away. If you do not resolve them, those feelings are likely to keep moving from one person to another until you begin an affair. They indicate a yearning to be desired and wanted which might be missing from your current relationship. Only you know your situation and what feels right for you. No one else. And only you have the answer to how you should act from now on.
The only advice I would give is that our instincts are the most powerful sources of direction in our lives. You should follow whatever feels right for you because life has a way of sorting itself out, one way or another.
