I don't know when I became a love pessimist, too practical for love, or dare I say the word, bitter. I don't doubt that love exists because I see it so frequently in my own life, between my parents, my friends and their spouses, and even strangers that I encounter. Lately though I doubt people when they say they're in love, I look for the holes in their story, ulterior motives. They're easy to find, loneliness, low self-esteem, acceptance, or even desperation. I'm finding it harder and harder to accept relationships at face value. They say that love makes you blind, but I look at certain relationships recently and I don't know if its my new found pessimism, that I'm only getting one side of the story, not even getting the whole story, or it really is as bad as it seems, but I know that I never want to be that clueless about the person I'm dating or even marrying.

In my own life I hope I'm not expecting too much. My parents have set the bar pretty high and although I know I can't expect that level of love or dedication now, I would like to know that it could come eventually, perhaps when I've been married as long as they have. I hope that I have not made unnattainable goals by setting the bar too high, expecting too much at this point.

It has recently been said that I need better self-esteem, that I don't give myself enough credit. It's true that my self-esteem has taken a hit in the last few years, but who would blame me? I was an arrow, flying at a bullseye, I knew exactly who I was and where I was going. Now my life looks like a beached whale, flopping around, going nowhere, making little progress, waiting for a few good people with a really big crane to send me back on track.  It's not just professionally or educationally that I feel this loss, its also emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I need to raise them all up to be a better balanced person, to make myself whole again. How can I expect others to like me if I don't like myself?

And why is it that I have such a hard time being myself. When I'm at work I open up easily, I tell customers about me and my life. I talk about what I'm reading, my likes, my dislikes. I talk a mile per minute and laugh easily. I will never or almost never see these people again. When I'm at school, church, or any similar social function I close up, shut up. I rarely talk, I sit in the corner, or only talk to those I'm close to. These are the people I see on a regular basis, the people who should know who I am, and what I'm like. I'm a genuinely friendly person for the most part, but what is it that makes me close up? Am I too self concious? Am I really afraid of what my peers think of me? I really have nobody to blame for my loneliness except me.

I'm also struggling spiritually. Spirituality and your relationship with Christ is a deeply personal matter, but I don't think its something we should be left to ourselves to develop, if it were, there would be no point to church. We could all sit at home reading our scriptures, praying in silence, and discovering things for ourselves. Members of the church have a responsibility to help those in need of it and perhaps I haven't cried out for help enough but I find myself devoid of the support that I need. I never felt completely welcome in the singles branch. People had cliques and were reluctant to let others in. I never felt like it mattered to the other singles or the leadership whether I showed up or not, unless they were afraid I wouldn't show up to give a talk or teach a lesson. In Ana Verde ward I find myself in a position that is equally unsettling. I have nothing in common with the members of the Relief Society. How can I go to activities with all these mothers? I'm sure they're all wonderful, but these aren't women that I can call up on the phone and go out to lunch with or go to the movies. I know the church is true, but as of late I have found myself so lost within it. I'm struggling and the only reason I make an effort to attend is because my parents expect it.

As my birthday quickly approaches I've thought about where I thought I'd be at this age. It's funny because I realize now that I haven't achieved any of them. I knew I wanted to be graduated from college and to have a career, and to have served a mission. I was so certain that I was going to study political science and work for the foreign services. I also realize that my goals were not in alignment with what the church has in mind for women. I hadn't planned for a husband or children. In fact, I had chosen a career that was quite bad for raising children unless the husband wanted to be the stay at home parent. I wanted a life of adventure and travel, a new country every few years, much like the military really. I know most girls can tell you how many kids they want when they grow up, but I never could. Perhaps this is why I've ended up where I am today. I've set myself up to fail in all my relationships. I never made space for them in my future.

I need to remember going forward that I am responsible for my own happiness. I can't let those around me dictate how I feel. Lately I've become too quick to judge, too quick to find fault, and most definately too quick to become offended. These are all things that I can work on within myself. If I can't learn to ignore the people around me that are making these feelings surface than I need to distance myself from them. I have many fine qualities and it is essential that I work on them. Perhaps I can develop them to the point that my faults are less noticeable or canceled out.

I want to be a better person, be the person that I know I am underneath it all.