Tuesday, 1:30PM. A familiar feeling struck her. The one feeling in the world she's been trying hard to avoid for 5 years now. There's nothing in a humid tuesday afternoon that a cold shower couldn't ease. She went to the shower, turned it on, turned it up. She let the cold water run through her face...eyes closed... water dripping all over her face... with the vague hope that the feeling would go away. Alas, it wouldn't.
She cupped her face with her hands...praying... hoping...that when she opened her eyes, she'll get back to her ever painful reality. It's still there, taunting her. She looked at her reflection from the mirror. Seems like her coffee brown eyes isn't very cooperative today. They seem to bring the memories back to life...nothing more, but just the memories.
2:33PM, she got out from the bathroom, sat in front of the computer, with her face wet from the shower, or from her tears, there's no telling the difference. A blank microsoft word page staring back at her. "What now?"
She spent the past 5 years writing things about this feeling. But it always finds a way to linger. It seems like she came through. That she got it all together. She smiles, she laughs, she works, she binges on expensive coffee that comes with mind-boggling conversations either with herself or with people she trusts, she spends great times with friends. Nothing seems wrong. But that's all it's gonna be... a mere "seem". It wouldn't go away.
Noone knew how much it hurts.
Perhaps, it's not true that we're allowed only a certain amount of tears per person. If so, why doesn't she run out of it? People think it's silly to keep holding on to someone, or to the memories when a lot of chances has already been given to you to move on, start over, to pick up the pieces and live again. Because, nobody knew how much it hurts, when memories are all you've got. Futile efforts. Try as you may, it just wouldn't go away.
You will live, yes. They said, "If it aint gonna kill you, it'll just make you stronger. And maybe it really did make you stronger. Somehow you wish it just killed you. Nobody can discount the fact that a part of you has died and will remain dead. I should know.
She took her heart out of her sleeves and put it back to where no one can see it, back to her chest. But then, it'll hurt like hell and the sad truth is that, there's no tranquilizer in the world to numb the pain.
There were advices she sought from people, nothing seemed to have satisfied her, because she couldn't make them feel what she feels, for they will never know how it feels like losing someone who meant the whole world to her. Then I told her, "Who the hell said you need to get over it? You stay there, you feel it, you cry your eyeballs out when you need to. Whether you admit it or not, crying is your only form of release. Fuck 'em who said you needed to get past this. You know you can't. You never have. You never will. It wasn't just anybody, its your Mother for cryin out loud!".
She then knew, that the best advice she's ever heard... was the one, she gave herself.
I miss you Mom...No bye byes for you and me.
Nobody knew, just how much it hurts, missing you.
Still I'd give the world to see your face.
Mariah Carey- Bye Bye
This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky 'cause we will never say bye
As a child there were them times
I didn't get it but you kept me in line
I didn't know why you didn't show up sometimes
On Sunday mornings, and I missed you
But I'm glad we talked through
All them grown folk things
Separation brings
You never let me know it
You never let it show because
You loved me and obviously
There's so much more left to say
If you were with me today face to face
[Chorus:]
I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by
And soon as you reach a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And I'm right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye
(Bye Bye [3x])
Bye bye
And you never got the chance to see how good I've done
And you never got to see me back at number one
I wish that you were here to celebrate together
I wish that we could spend the holidays together
I remember when you used to tuck me in at night
With the Teddy Bear you gave me that I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever
[Chorus]
(bye bye bye bye bye bye [3x])
Bye bye
This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky 'cause we will never say bye
[Chorus]
