I opened the door and they were there.
My daughter holding the hands of that little girl.
The little girl was smiling and giggling and holding tightly to my daughter's hand.
Her piercing blue eyes, her strawberry blond hair, her pale skin. How amazingly similar she was to him.
My daughter had told me "'Mom, daddy is down stairs but before
leaving he asked if K. can use our bathroom. She really needs to pee"
I felt a sudden tightness in my stomach. Where? Here? Is she coming up here?
My daughter seemed amused by my look. "Oh mom, i always wanted you
to meet her. She is my little sister, after all. You have to meet her".
So.... I said yes.
After all, i already had said yes to that little girl almost 3 years ago. I had already agreed to meet her.
I've talked about that first encounter with her here in my blog.
After that day I haven't seen that little girl again.
If
not in some pictures that my daughter once in a while was bringing home
from one of her week ends at her father's house. On my daughter's desk
there is a cute frame with a picture of them happily smiling at the
camera.
Try opening the door and seeing the past looking at you, so vividly and so lively.
Try not feeling a knot in your stomach. Even though a little one. Even now that you had definitely done with that past.
Still.... something stirs inside while you open the door and let the little girl in.
In your present.
She says (with her high pitched cute voice) "Is this your home?"
I say "Yes, hello, K. Let's go to the bathroom. You must really go, isn't?"
She smiles at me and follows my daughter.
I remain on the door but i can see them.
My
daughter is so sweet with her....she helps her pulling down those
little panties of hers, she picks her up and makes her seat comfortably
on the seat and watches over her.
"You have cool stuff" the little girl chatters away.
My daughters asks "Wanna see my room? And my dog?"
And
so this big mass of strawberry blond hair...these little feet in cute
little flip flop walks in my daughter's room and seats on her bed.
My dog arrives, happy to have a little being at his eyes height,
smelling good and ready to play. She gets slurped on the arm but she
giggles.
My dog likes her and wags his tail.
But i say: "Its time to go, you two. Your father is waiting for you"
It comes out of my mouth so naturally that i don't realize how weird is that sentence after all.
My daughter smiles at me. She seems to say "Thank you, mom, for having met her".
I hug her tight and tell her that I love her.
"See you Sunday night, baby, call me"
And i say "Bye bye, K"
The
little girl say "Bye bye" waving her hand to me. I see them going down
the stairs. Big sis holding little sis's hand, talking to each other.
I close the door.
The small knot in my stomach is starting to fade away.
And i think that this little girl has had such a great impact in my life.
She arrived in this world and changed my world forever.
Like i did 3 years ago, even today i think i can't hate her. She is just a cute little girl.
Looking so amazingly like her father with his same piercing blue eyes, his same strawberry blond hair, the same pale skin.
Today I could be her adoptive mother if 3 years ago life would have taken a complete different direction.
But it did not.
And so now i am going to walk the dog. And I smile.
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gingersoul posted on Jul 06, 2008
| views: 456
Comments
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secretlife said on Jul 06, 2008....
it must be so hard........but you can make it work. it can work. she is your daughter's sister, and there can be good that comes of this relationship, no?acceptance is the hardest thing of all. -
Mamie said on Jul 06, 2008....
that is just beautiful! I have a tiny lump in my throat too as I read it...you are an amazing woman! Blessings on those little girls...it is good to be a sister. M -
fearing said on Jul 06, 2008....
Ginger, this post brought tears to my eyes and put a knot in my throat. Oh sweety, I can't imagine. Smile for yourself - you did good. All I could think was about all the innocence and pain tied up for you in that sweet little girl. I'm proud of you. -
skald said on Jul 06, 2008....
Your girl is so lucky having this sister and I know You can't help but loving her too. This girl is a blessing. ((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))) You are a good girl Ginger. A woman, forgive me, remember I could be your mother,. lol -
MissMimi said on Jul 06, 2008....
Once again, I can see what a special woman you are, gingerpeach. This little girl is so innocent of whatever pain came before her. And so you do the right thing and accept this little one into your daughter's life. Brava. Well done.
I also need to say, your daughter already shows glimpses of what a wonderful woman she will be. You're doing good. {{{hugs}}}
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gingersoul said on Jul 06, 2008....
Secret......yes, i agree....once the word acceptance is taken it and i come to realize that my daughter heart can only grows bigger loving her and be loved by her i see that everything is going to be ok...
Yet.......
this little girl could also potentially have - again - a huge impact in my life...in my future this time....future.....my daughter is very fond of her and if i really would decide to move from Texas ....you see? another obstacle right in front of me...
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gingersoul said on Jul 06, 2008....
Mamie.....it has been so odd seeing them together doing the things the sisters do.....you know.....the older helping the youngest.....it made me smile...
I never had a good relationship with my sister when we were kid.....we had to work thing out between us before reaching a new level of understanding and appreciation ....and when we finally did it....she passed away...
I do hope my daughter will be able to have a sister in her life...but.....there are so many buts still......
Thank you..:-) -
gingersoul said on Jul 06, 2008....
Fearing.......you better not crying .....you hear me?....:-)
Thank you for your nice words. Tomorrow i am expecting some great Pm from you...right?
Skald...lol......yes.....i asked you many times if you could be my daughter's adoptive grandma, remember?
It would be so cool.......we would come to visit you in Iceland like Pollie and Quiet.....thank you......:-)
MimiMoi......oh, thank you so much...... i am trying..i am really trying...
When i found myself in a rough patch with her...when i catch myself being too impatient or not having enough time to dedicate to her i stop and try to catch my mistakes...she is a wonderful girl...
I dont know how much she is taking in from me but whatever it is ...i hope will keep coming.... -
secretlife said on Jul 06, 2008....
but you see? it doesn't matter where you decide to live- no matter where you and she live, she will still have a daddy and a sister in texas-don't see it as an obstacle.......this doesn't have to stand in the way of your choices- it only frees your heart more- and allows your daughter to have a sister with your approval. this is important to her- your approval. -
quietone said on Jul 06, 2008....
It just goes to show how innocent children are, they thought no more of this situation then someone having to go pee. It was simple, sweet, and loving... on all 3 of you. If only we could be as open and innocent as a child. I can only imagine how hard it is for you to see her.
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gingersoul said on Jul 06, 2008....
Secret...but see?.....its the place that ties her to her.....she wouldn't want to live this place where she can be with her and her dad.....so the place matters ..a lot...
At least at the moment of the decision...then ..any possible arrangment can be taken...plane or car trips arranged and programmed...but.....the decision..the place..the ties....
all seems a big mess...as usual...
Quiet.....yes, you are so right.....my daughter has never had, not even for a a moment - any resentment against her little sis....she always knew in her heart that she had no fault and she just had to be loved...simple like that....
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fearing said on Jul 06, 2008....
I'm not crying, just a little teary. I could simply feel what you were feeling and it got to me. And yes, you will be getting a great PM from me tomorrow! Thanks for remembering. Hugs! -
botoni said on Jul 06, 2008....
Ginger, you are both filled with love and wisdom. Over many years I've learned that the ties we made in the past and have tried to forget still have a hold on us in some way. Another thing I've discovered is that those ties take on a different meaning. A new meaning that becomes less painful and begins to feel, if not good, at least normal. You have your daughter and her love. Those that she loves will always have a connection to you through her. You will feel the things you felt today. That acceptance that you are showing now will give you great gifts in time. Bless you, Ginger. You've got good things coming. -
Lucytorial said on Jul 07, 2008....
You always astound me ginger ~ the way in which you share life lessons with us really does make me think about myself quite a lot when faced with situations that migt not be comfortable.
You are such a wonderful mother and women.
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steppenwolf68 said on Jul 07, 2008....
Hi Ginger, I looked in on SC and there you were again, bringing one back down to earth! And, no, I have no words of wisdom or anything else to say to console you except that you have the depth and resilience to be ok in the end. The pain may never go away, but you will be all right, I'm certain. Sad, because you do have such depth, and you can feel so much pain.... And you were not the cause of all this you are going through...One consolation, I have half-bros and sisters, one each by blood and others by adoption. I love them all, and I am so glad they're there. We are in contact in spite of an ocean between us, and I feel much richer because I have them.Is this at least a little consolation for you? I know the pain is not less, but there is hope. And Hope is the last thing to die. (Die Hoffnung stirbt zu letzt.)Ciao, bella! -
RollingC said on Jul 07, 2008....
Don't look at it as an obstacle. Find ways to bring her more into your life and your life will be richer for it with the sisters growing up together.Rc -
pickersplock said on Jul 07, 2008....
Rock on, Ginger!:) -
wombat said on Jul 07, 2008....
Just letting you know I read....beautifully written post. And I wish the best for all of you in this situation. Yes, the children are the ones to see things so simply and without question sometimes. -
gingersoul said on Jul 07, 2008....
Fearing........yess.......i got your PM today...and i read the post in which you share the beautiful news.....
I am very happy for you!!....:-D
Bottie.....thank you, my friend....i would love to have more optimism and more foresight.....right now the feeling is like you are seating on the edge of a deep cliff..........around you there is an apparent stillness that is pregnant with the unknown....
I would like to believe everything will be ok.....i really do.....and what you say about the ties that bond us to each other....i know that kind very well.....love, friends and family stay in our heart no matter the distance and the time...i do know this very well....
Lucy.......thank you very much....but i am sure that you as well can find in yourself what you need and when you need it.......and then...sometimes...we just have to do what we have to do, you know?
Steppen.....there YOU are ...lol......jeez..there are alot of z and t in that sentence...lol....
Yes, what you say is very sweet to me.......i like to think that in the case my daughter would agree to come away with me she could remain in touch with her sister and her father and the rest of their family.....
Problem is.......will she agree to come with me? I hate the idea of dragging her away from the only life she had known risking to alienate her forever...
But, as you said..... ...Die Hoffnung stirbt zu letzt....:-) -
gingersoul said on Jul 07, 2008....
Rolling......together.......you said the keyword that doesn't compute.....
If we will be moving that together is less or more already gone ....you see?
Thank you for dropping by......:-)
Picker....can i have one rock?....i might use it...you never know....thank you, you...:-)
Wombie.....thank you!.... -
queenparanoia said on Jul 07, 2008....
i wanna asked why? what happened? but i'm just being noisy... anyway it's nice that they get along... and you ginger are moving on... =)
yes you are moving on.. it's hard but it's worth it.... =)
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steppenwolf68 said on Jul 08, 2008....
And, yes, the others are so right about kids, so I didn't say anything about how loving and accepting kids can be. Especially how resilient they are.
You are the important one here. Your daughter would come with you where ever you chose to go, I'm sure. Naturally, there are considerations of contunity in both place and friends but just think of all the military families constantly moving around. And all the executive families who are sent from place to place and country to country.... the kids seem richer for it... at least the ones I have met.
The military has lots of advice on this and you could tap into it too. True, I don't know you, but what I see from here is a strong, intelligent woman with a wonderful bond to her daughter. Doubt is normal.... but I don't doubt in you. How's Thart?!?
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gingersoul said on Jul 08, 2008....
The hardest question he ever asked
Queenie....above is the link to my post in which you can read the story of what brought to this post.
And about moving on...yes, i did it.
I did move on. And it feels so good...:-)
Steppen.....you are so right........there are always families on the verge of a move...all over the world.....maybe its a little more difficult for me because i will be the only one to face a possible negative reaction of my daughter.....
Thank you for you nice words. As usual...:-)
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moonriver said on Jul 08, 2008....
hi ginger -- This post led me to re-read your post early last year. (I was about to include the link here, but I see you added it already.) Then I re-read another one of your posts about an unforgettable dream, the fish out of the water. Then to another post where you tell your daughter to be nice to K. And then back to this post.
It all adds up. Things are unfolding, moving forward. You've finished writing a book and started a new one, a necessary sequel. Your daughter is a prominent character in the new book, and her little sister is necessarily there, too. For now. I understand your feelings about the unknown. These are things that can turn into obstacles, but which can also open up new opportunities.
I think you know the bottom line, my friend. In the end, it's you who is writing your own book. Some chapters, you will co-write with your daughter. But she is growing fast, and so are you (in terms of professional, intellectual, social and emotional growth). Soon you will have to insist (or accept) that your daughter will have to start writing her own books, with her own cast of characters that hopefully include a close Italian connection. That shouldn't be a loss to you. Once that happens, it should be both enriching and liberating, both for you and for her.
Meanwhile, I know you will enjoy watching these snippets of love between sisters, and yet be confident and proud in your knowledge that you are bringing up a fantastic daughter who will always be there for you, wherever the future may take her.
It all adds up, my friend. I know everything will add up to the best.
You deserve it.
(Psst! Tell her there are tons of fantastic scholarships and college opportunities in Italian universities. You know that, of course... :-)
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steppenwolf68 said on Jul 09, 2008....
Now I know the story. Ginger, I went to your link and after reading that I read the two liinks Moon provided. And seeing you here, Moon, gave me the feeling that Ginger will really be all right. No doubt at all.
Now, how could anyone possibly push the dog away from the baby? In all due respect! Without digressing into what a dog really is, let me just say that the dog only wanted to accept the baby and to place it into the order of its own life. Once the smells are categorised, this person will never be forgotten. It was only GOOD that the dog wanted to do this! This, I had to say.
Next, nature makes all babys - at least in the begining - look like the father. Why? This is a primevil mechanism nature employs to motivate the father to stay around and protect. As the child gets older, the looks change because the father becomes less important! The finished product may, or may not, resemble the father very much.
Ginger, Moon is right. You are "finer" than you can believe. I told you when I first came to SC (and I only really got involved because of your cello), that I couldn't believe a person like you could be in a place like Texas. Yes, you are doing the right thing and one day all of the doubt will be gone, and you can concentrate even more on your daughter's wings. And what a fine person Moon is to be able to put these things into words so kindly.
And your daughter? After reading Moons links I see clearly that your daughter has her strongest bonds to you. Clear as cristal! No doubt whatsoever!
In closing, I would like to say how much I would enjoy having you, your daughter and Moon apper magically on the Italian terrace by our lovely, romantic, German river, lined with beautiful, green trees and half-timbered houses, and drink a glass of fine rosé in the warm summer evening.... and just talk. Oceans separate all of us, but thoughts count a lot too. And yes, we would keep a few places for anyone else who supports you, just in case they happened by. Aren't dreams wonderful.....
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gingersoul said on Jul 09, 2008....
Moon.......i am... i am telling her......you know very well by how long i am telling her...:-)
Thank you for you words......they are honey on wounds, as usual......
Steppen.....oh, that would be lovely.....thank you for the invitation....:you are so sweet....
We know each other only through these SC sporadic small communications and yet i sense you are another beautiful kindred spirit that i am feel very lucky of having met here...
Germany is very close to Italy....so.....who knows, my friend, what the future might bring...........who knows?......:-)
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monkeyboyx said on Jul 10, 2008....
(sniff,sniff)
I've been there
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gingersoul said on Jul 10, 2008....
Monkey......yes?.....would you care to share?
You are still sniffing...so it must be a pretty recent story....sorry...
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steppenwolf68 said on Jul 11, 2008....
Yes, Ginger, and although I know there other super, wonderful people aroung SC, I don't get on here often. When I do, I'm looking to see largely what you and Moon and Fallyn have to say. Time is the problem.
Two more things I would like to say about your doubts: first, it speaks for you ex that he is concerned about his new little daughter. (I am still where I am because of the kids!) But that he leaves one for another? Even to let himself get into the situation... there is such a thing as self-dicipline. Let him hang out with all the cigarette smoke. A fate worse than death!
Secondly, Kids! I know my significant other does not have it easy with me, always laughing and looking at the sun side. And a couple of years ago she yelled at me I should get out. "Go! Before I go crazy!" (I really do understand her.) My ca. 10 year old daughter said, "I'm going with daddy!" And promptly from the back came the little boys voice, "I too!" The subject was never breached again. So, you see, Ginger, kids somehow seem to get their priorities. And, yes, they both love their mother completely, and a separation would be the end of their little worlds. And for you: rest asured, your daughter knows very well who would not leave her! (Not that she doesn't love her father too.)
So, that's it. I know it hurts. We all do. And wonderful that so many people here care enough about you to console. And I hope we have all been at least some help to you in these trying times for you.... Ciao, Bella...
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monkeyboyx said on Jul 11, 2008....
I want to read everything again one more time. Talking about this stings like a bee. -
monkeyboyx said on Jul 11, 2008....
It's enough to..... say you are wonderful! -
gingersoul said on Jul 11, 2008....
Steppen.......yes, kids have their own priorities ..so right......and they are always so direct in let you know them....
Thank you again for your words of support....coming from somebody able to capture the heart of his kids like you do i have to absolutely take them in consideration...;-)
Monkey......again.....i am sorry for the burn and the pain of the memories ......with the right time they do turn in something more manageable....less heavy.....
i wish you a quick recovery...and thank you so much for your nice words..... -
steppenwolf68 said on Jul 18, 2008....
Hi again! I wanted to send you a little more on this very painful subject. For you and all the others who have been or are in this so very painful situation. Even though there is really nothing I can say which will relieve the pain. (But I couldn't, because MS did an automatic security download and my internet was gone for the week. I knew where to go, but it took several combinations to get back on. Computers all over the world went down over this, and now I hv taken the advice of Kim Komando and turned off the auto updates! www.komando.com.)
Someone I know very well lived with a super woman. She had so many good qualities... but every three days or so she would drink herself into a stupor. He put up with this for over 15 years! He met someone else, and thinking she would be a good influence on his 2 kids, he left, with the intention of fetching the kids and this time being in a position to broaden their horizons even more. The other woman completely accepted the kids. The future looked bright. And there were no hateful things between him and the kids mother. However, things took a turn for the worse financially and he was not able to get the kids, and then, the new woman took a strong dislike to his daughter. Mind you, father and kids were very close!
Two more kids came into the world. Also wonderful! And all the kids love one another and accept one another with no reservations. But the woman he went off with will have none of it. She refuses to let the kids see one another.
So it is today. I told him he should go off and do his own thing without all these women. Maybe he will find a nice girl friend. Any woman who wouldn't want him wouldn't deserve him anyway. But no, he stays there because of the two kids he has with her. He does visit his other kids, and even his daughter has ask him to come and live with her.... the poor guy. He sees the other kids about twice a year. Heartbreaking! It just makes me wonder how many others out there have tragic delemas to contend with. At least they are not alone.....! But that is little consolation! And let me say here that I am well aware that there are enogh stupid men out there who create just as many problems.
Yes, Ginger, you and Moon... it is a nice thought, but Texas is not Italy, and even then don't forget the Brenner and the Alps to the south. And Moon, somewhere in Asia, so far.... Maybe a couple of others, all nice SC people could join us. I liked the Lennon song "Imagine"..... So, here is a great big hug, for you and all the others - I've been getting so many hugs from so many people lately that I can pass a few on to the more deserving.... ((((BIG BEAR!)))
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hotaka said on Aug 09, 2008....
Ah, ginge. You have been blogging away while I was mostly just away. I missed some great stories so now that my students are absent I am going to catch up a little. Of, course you can't hate little K. She didn't come into this world to intentionally turn your life upside down. At her age its best if she has as many people smiling at her and treating her with love as possible. And look how happy she has made your daughter. And she seems well mannered too. I think that darling little girl will be an important part of your life in the future provided she and your daughter continue to keep a strong relationship. Who knows, someday K may even turn to you for a shoulder to lean on when the boys of the world become hard for her to manage. I also think you can expect someday that your daughter may ask if it's okay that she stays over one night. You can have a girls night together.
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gingersoul said on Aug 09, 2008....
Hottie...oh....i never thought about this sleepover scenario....:-)
Quite the thought....right now can't really say if i am smiling about it.....it would imply so many things...me remaining in Texas, for one...
Let's see what time will bring.....as long as my daughter is happy.....
And about all the good stuff you have missed....well, my dear climbing teacher, now you have this one checked out.....lol....
Comment on "The little girl"
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